This makes me very sad, because it reminds me of a similar situation I am dealing with right now. I did the exact same things over the course of the relationship, and I knew I was hurting our love for one another. It seemed I couldn’t help myself, because I was never sure of where I stood in the relationship. My partner was really into me, then not so much, then decided he wanted to get serious, then things got strained and we broke up and got back together several times. Both of us tried to make it work, but I never knew how he really felt about me. He told me at times I was not the “one”, and he wasn’t going to commit, but then he would say I wasn’t a placeholder, even though I felt like that from that definition. I know his feelings were strong and loving for me, and mine were too, but we bickered about the stupidest things because of my insecurity, my defensiveness and my jealousy, which was often unwarranted. I wished we could go back to trusting and loving one another, because I know he was much more open before than I was, and now it’s kind of the opposite. I often ask him to try to forget about the past and start over, but I don’t know if he wants to do that. All I know is that I have upset him a lot, and sometimes it still happens. What I wish he knew is how much I love him and I wish I could show him how much I’ve changed. It’s really hard with all of that past baggage in the relationship. I don’t know if he wants to be serious or not, though I have the feeling if I let the sweet, loving person I am inside out and showed it to him, he would. I think he knows, and I can feel his heart opening to me sometimes, and it is beautiful. Other people influence the situation, though, and certain circumstances also hinder the relationship. He is my true love and I believe he is my soulmate and the one for me. I don’t know how to handle the situation either, but I keep praying, because that is all I feel I can do sometimes, I am so sad and frustrated, wishing I could be the person I want to be around him. He has a lot of mistrust in my ability to not be this horrible person that I turn into sometimes, and that kind of lends to my drifting back into that part of me, but I went through therapy to help me, and am going to continue with methods and tools my therapist gave me to use after my sessions were done (there were only a certain amount that were free at my college). My heart goes out to you, and all I can suggest is that you find a time when you are both calm and happy with one another, and explain how you feel and how much you love your partner, and that you don’t want to sabotage the relationship. Make sure they know you are aware of your responsibility in the situation and that your love is very strong and you want to be able to overcome this. Perhaps you have the same situation in which he doesn’t reinforce making you feel more secure (which my partner acknowledged he hasn’t done in several cases), or doesn’t act like he is happy to hear from you sometimes, or ignores your phone calls/texts, and basically has you in a place where you don’t know where you stand, or if you have a chance. I try to communicate with my partner as much as possible, but sometimes the “talking” turns into arguing somehow, and we end up upset at one another again. I am trying to find ways to communicate more effectively by reading self-help books and using the tools suggested by my therapist. I know if I don’t find a way to overcome this in myself, it will completely ruin the relationship, if it hasn’t already, and it will continue to do so in the future. I really don’t want a future with anyone but him, though. I love him so much. I kind of hope he sees this, since he’s the one who told me about this website some time ago, because I’m sure he’ll see a lot of similarities, and hopefully he’ll realize that I am trying my very best because I think he’s worth it. I hope he’s patient with me, because I will make it worth it for him. He’s the most wonderful person I’ve ever met, kind, loving, and with many other wonderful qualities. If I lost him I would be pretty devastated. It wouldn’t be the first time a relationship ended, or the first time my heart was broken, but he’s really different, very special, a jewel of a person. I pray we’ll be able to have a great relationship and are able to make one another happy like I know we can and we have, without all the baggage. I try to tell him I’m over a lot of it and I have gotten better, but I have to work harder to make sure it’s not too little, too late. All I can hope is that he is patient and our love was meant to be, because if it is, I believe it will be. I believe that for you too. Sorry this was so long, but it really hit home – it was almost as if you were describing me and my situation. Thank you for posting this. Best of luck to you.
IIn to sabotage your own relationship?
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This makes me very sad, because it reminds me of a similar situation I am dealing with right now. I did the exact same things over the course of the relationship, and I knew I was hurting our love for one another. It seemed I couldn’t help myself, because I was never sure of where I stood in the relationship. My partner was really into me, then not so much, then decided he wanted to get serious, then things got strained and we broke up and got back together several times. Both of us tried to make it work, but I never knew how he really felt about me. He told me at times I was not the “one”, and he wasn’t going to commit, but then he would say I wasn’t a placeholder, even though I felt like that from that definition. I know his feelings were strong and loving for me, and mine were too, but we bickered about the stupidest things because of my insecurity, my defensiveness and my jealousy, which was often unwarranted. I wished we could go back to trusting and loving one another, because I know he was much more open before than I was, and now it’s kind of the opposite. I often ask him to try to forget about the past and start over, but I don’t know if he wants to do that. All I know is that I have upset him a lot, and sometimes it still happens. What I wish he knew is how much I love him and I wish I could show him how much I’ve changed. It’s really hard with all of that past baggage in the relationship. I don’t know if he wants to be serious or not, though I have the feeling if I let the sweet, loving person I am inside out and showed it to him, he would. I think he knows, and I can feel his heart opening to me sometimes, and it is beautiful. Other people influence the situation, though, and certain circumstances also hinder the relationship. He is my true love and I believe he is my soulmate and the one for me. I don’t know how to handle the situation either, but I keep praying, because that is all I feel I can do sometimes, I am so sad and frustrated, wishing I could be the person I want to be around him. He has a lot of mistrust in my ability to not be this horrible person that I turn into sometimes, and that kind of lends to my drifting back into that part of me, but I went through therapy to help me, and am going to continue with methods and tools my therapist gave me to use after my sessions were done (there were only a certain amount that were free at my college). My heart goes out to you, and all I can suggest is that you find a time when you are both calm and happy with one another, and explain how you feel and how much you love your partner, and that you don’t want to sabotage the relationship. Make sure they know you are aware of your responsibility in the situation and that your love is very strong and you want to be able to overcome this. Perhaps you have the same situation in which he doesn’t reinforce making you feel more secure (which my partner acknowledged he hasn’t done in several cases), or doesn’t act like he is happy to hear from you sometimes, or ignores your phone calls/texts, and basically has you in a place where you don’t know where you stand, or if you have a chance. I try to communicate with my partner as much as possible, but sometimes the “talking” turns into arguing somehow, and we end up upset at one another again. I am trying to find ways to communicate more effectively by reading self-help books and using the tools suggested by my therapist. I know if I don’t find a way to overcome this in myself, it will completely ruin the relationship, if it hasn’t already, and it will continue to do so in the future. I really don’t want a future with anyone but him, though. I love him so much. I kind of hope he sees this, since he’s the one who told me about this website some time ago, because I’m sure he’ll see a lot of similarities, and hopefully he’ll realize that I am trying my very best because I think he’s worth it. I hope he’s patient with me, because I will make it worth it for him. He’s the most wonderful person I’ve ever met, kind, loving, and with many other wonderful qualities. If I lost him I would be pretty devastated. It wouldn’t be the first time a relationship ended, or the first time my heart was broken, but he’s really different, very special, a jewel of a person. I pray we’ll be able to have a great relationship and are able to make one another happy like I know we can and we have, without all the baggage. I try to tell him I’m over a lot of it and I have gotten better, but I have to work harder to make sure it’s not too little, too late. All I can hope is that he is patient and our love was meant to be, because if it is, I believe it will be. I believe that for you too. Sorry this was so long, but it really hit home – it was almost as if you were describing me and my situation. Thank you for posting this. Best of luck to you.