Is it normal to realize you are polyamorous after being married?

Okay.. A bit of background I guess? I am married to basically my first and only boyfriend. We met online and fell in love. I am pansexual/demisexual, meaning I have sexual attraction regardless of gender/sexuality.. It has more to do with the specific person. I always have been this way. This is something else I have been struggling with since I was very young being brought up in a very religious household.

Edit: I added this as a reply to someone but I guess it might be helpful context. [Actually I was quite sheltered. I was sexually abused by a family member and I was bullied my entire youth so I didn't have many friends or interactions with people in general. To be honest I probably would have realized polyamorous tendencies if I had had any relationships when I was younger. I am just now discovering things about my sexuality. The thing is I don't want to cheat on my husband at all. I want him to be apart of whatever I am doing (if not sexually at least as friends).. I love him so much and am so grateful he is in my life. But I also feel these feelings towards people and I'm not really sure what I should do with them. I don't know if I really worded this all correctly but I see where you are coming from completely. Hopefully this extra information might be useful?]

Anyways to come to my question, is it normal to find out or discover you are polyamorous after being married? I love my husband.. But I also have crushes on other people? I am very confused where these feelings come from. I want to be monogamous but the more I read about polyamory the more it just seems to click with me. So is this normal??

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  • It would be a good idea to share your feelings with your husband. He may be on board with this or not. If you feel he would not be then don't. Have a conversation and gently lead the conversation in that direction and gauge his reaction. He may be all for it. Express that you really love him but you have these urges.

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    • I have tried to talk to him about it and unfortunately he cannot see it any other way than that he is not enough for me, which he is but this is completely different, and also apparently I want to cheat on him, even though I tried to explain to him it has to be consensual, as in, all people are aware of all other parties in the relationship. It is what it is. At least I let him know this part of me exists and maybe in the future when he calms down a bit he will be more open to talking again about it.

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  • Everyone gets attracted to people even when in a relationship, that's how bisexuals exist. And polyamory is fine as long as you think it's good for you and the other people in the relationship

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  • Normal I would say. Early humans were promiscuous so as to spread the gene pool wide. I have polyamorous tendency too. My wife is strictly monogamous so any discussion about the poly lifestyle would be taboo.

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  • Yea it’s normal, you don’t just stop being attracted to others when you’re married.

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  • I feel a similat way. I don't want to cheat on my wife, and I don't ever want to leave her ever. She is the love of my life. However, I would like to love one or two more women. I feel more women in the relationship would be beneficial. I like her sister and some of her friends.

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    • I would personally find it really uncomfortable if my husband was dating my sister, but I guess that's just me. Friends are another thing but that also depends on the friendship. I would not want it to be with someone who would ditch me if it did not work out with him/us. Just my 2 cents.

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  • "Confused where these feelings come from"?? It's called being a human. Shit, I don't mean to put you down, but how sheltered were you?

    Finding other people outside your relationship attractive, even having "crushes" doesn't make you "polyamorous", it makes you normal. So unless your husband is okay with your extra-marital stuff and you're okay with his (or some other happy arrangement), frankly it seems like a self-entitled attitude to think that wanting an extra-marital relationship is just "part of who you are". (Un)Conveniently discovered only after you married your husband...

    If he's as into it as you are, then great, go for it. That would be awesome. And maybe he is, maybe he'd be delighted if you suggested polyamory! But there's no indication from the post that that's the case.
    So, maybe I'm being cynical but it sounds like the handy label of "polyamory" = a nice way of framing your desire for extra-marital stuff. Cheating, without the guilt.

    It might not be like that, but I have to mention the possibility.

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    • Actually I was quite sheltered. I was sexually abused by a family member and I was bullied my entire youth so I didn't have many friends or interactions with people in general. To be honest I probably would have realized polyamorous tendencies if I had had any relationships when I was younger. I am just now discovering things about my sexuality. The thing is I don't want to cheat on my husband at all. I want him to be apart of whatever I am doing (if not sexually at least as friends).. I love him so much and am so grateful he is in my life. But I also feel these feelings towards people and I'm not really sure what I should do with them. I don't know if I really worded this all correctly but I see where you are coming from completely. Hopefully this extra information might be useful?

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