Is it normal to like seeing scars/bruises on myself?

ok so, I don't really know which parts are important so I'm just gonna say everything, so umm sorry if it's too long (I just finished writing it and in my opinion, it is long)(also sorry if there's any grammar mistakes)

when I was 7 y/o I started cutting my fingers with the school scissors, I didn't really cut deep, it left blood as if it was a paper cut but it did left a scar, at that time I only did it because yes, I didn't have a reason, I didn't like the pain, and it was the same with the blood and the scar, my thoughts while doing it were just "why not", it was only on my fingers and it wasn't noticeable so no one except 3 of my classmates knew but they were my friends so they never said anything

as I kept growing I kept doing it but when I was 9-10 I realized that it wasn't just for "fun" anymore, I started to take a liking to the blood, whenever I cut my fingers I liked to see the blood, I also noticed some things that triggered it

at a young age due to how curious I was I already knew things that were supposed to be for adults, so at the time I liked to read a lot of books in the internet, I realized that when there was blood mentioned I'll feel the urge to see my own blood, and sometimes it'll also happen out of nowhere, I'll just feel the need of doing it, it wasn't really a liking to the blood in general, just my own blood

when I was 10-11 my parents took me to a psychology to help me with some stress and problems with emotions that I had back then, at some point we also started talking about my self harm, something that I was pretty conscious about is that when I started crying or got mad I'll start scratching my neck to calm down, it was mainly because the pain helped me get myself distracted enough for me to calm down

but then after we had already moved on completely from that, once again I realized that the stress and the blood wasn't the reason anymore, this time it was for the scar, when I got stressed I'll just scratch my neck, and I hated it because it hurted like hell due to my long nails, but at the same time once I calmed down I started at myself on the mirror and looked at my neck, I liked seeing how red it got so even after calming down I kept doing it because after some time of doing it I stopped feeling the pain

then there was the cutting, I still had the same triggers as before, only this time there was a new one, when I got too stressed and just couldn't calm down I'll cut my fingers with whatever I had close, it could be a knife, scissors or even a razor I'll just find something, it didn't calm me down at all, but the next day I liked to see the scar

then after some time I stopped with that, I couldn't scratch my neck anymore because I had done it so much that it started leaving scars, I also stopped with the cutting because my parents found a knife in my room and I had to say an excuse, but of course I didn't stop completely, the urge was still there

I started to kinda give myself hickeys (? I know it sounds weird, and it kinda is

at the time I had never seen one, I never bothered to search for pictures so all I knew about them was what my sister had told me about it and some of the scenes on the books that i saw that mentioned it so one day I just kinda started to think about it and ended up trying it on my arm, it worked

I realized it was the only way of having bruises without hurting myself so I just kept doing it

till now I still do it, along with cutting myself since it has been a long time since my parents found out about the knife, I also keep doing the scratching

but now it's just some sort of combination between 9-11, when I cut myself I enjoy the blood, with the scratching I hate the process of doing it because it hurts but I really like the burning sensation that I feel right after doing it, with the bruises there isn't much to enjoy except the mark because it doesn't hurt, but there has also been other situations where I just wondered why I liked it

an example is that one time I went to the money bars (is that how they're called?) and I never knew how to do it so it started hurting my hands, I still kept going enjoying the pain of that moment, but then after I went back home I finally looked at my hands and they were so hurt that I was struggling to move them I really didn't like the pain that I was feeling but for some reason i still want to go back to the park and do it again

I don't really have any problems with the pain part since I never really do things that make me feel a lot of pain

but I really do want to know if the blood and scar parts are normal or not, I don't find any sort of pleasure in watching them, I just see them and think "that looks pretty"

oh! and also
I've seen a lot of similar posts to this and people in the comments answering that it's just for attention or things like "thanks for sharing your mental problems to the world instead of keeping them to yourself" so I just wanted to clarify
I know that I for sure don't do it for attention, I actually always try my best to hide it
and the only reason I wrote all of that was because I've asked more people but without the complete story of when it started they never understood so I decided to just write everything in here

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25% Normal
Based on 16 votes (4 yes)
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Comments ( 1 )
  • thatoneburntoutkid

    i do the same thing

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