IIN to have suicidal thoughts even though I dont want to kill myself?

It's a damn good thing you're too scared to do it, too. That's one of your strongest primal instincts protecting your body from your mind.

You're 20 years old. You haven't lived long enough to earn the right to say life isn't worth it. It is COMPLETELY normal to feel this way, however! Everybody goes through really shit times. Everybody feels like giving up at times. The thing is... at 20, it feels like whatever your problems are right now - are the hugest things in the universe. When you've given yourself the honor of living a few more years, those issues will seem so unbelievably insignificant it'll blow your mind. I'm not saying they're not important right now - but they won't last.

There will be so many good amazing things to come. There will also be things so awful they'll feel 10 times worse than what you're going through now. That's life. It's rich, it's varied, it's ever-changing, and believe me it IS worth it.

When I was 8 I couldn't eat as much candy and play as many video games as I wanted. I told my mom I wished she would die because of it. When I was 15, I was unpopular and had a genetic condition that caused almost everyone at school to ostracize me, I wanted to die. When I was 19 I started the most amazing relationship of my life, but when it ended... again, I thought death would be better. When I was 22 I told my family something that caused a lot of them to stop talking to me altogether. When I was 27, two men raped me and left me bleeding in an alley. I wished for death.

But I never went through with it. We all FEEL like that at times, but life IS worth it. If I tried to list the utterly amazing things I've experienced inbetween those awful ones, my post would take up 100 pages. You'll experience them, too.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.