Is it normal to have no friends in college
New town,new dorms,and no friends.I have roommates of course but for some reason I get shy around them.They will greet me when I walk in and when we pass by on campus, but I never had a full conversation with any of them.I never go to the commons area.I just go straight to my room.I would love to just sit with them, but shyness has become a routine.I do talk to a few people, but I wouldn't call the friends just yet. They are more associates.Of course those who know me well would find me not saying anything hard to believe, but it's true.The feeling of loneliness completely overwhelmed me the first week which left me crying for days at a time.Now the feeling has become somewhat of a default mode for me.I may call friends and family, but the feeling is always there when I hang up the phone.It's waiting for me after class and on the weekends.It even lies in my bed with me at night.As the days go by I find myself falling deeper into a state of despair and depression with thoughts of suicide uncontrollably popping into my head.I remember the sadness starting in middle school and slowly grew in me like cancer.Unfortunately it has spread to all my major organs, including the most important one..my heart.I don't know how much longer I can pretend that everything is OK when it's not.I have always been somewhat of a reserved person,but this kind of solitude is new.It's not the refreshing kind you feel when you got the day off from a busy week.It's a decay that rots your happiness from the inside out.It's making me feel as if no one cares about me or even could care.But,there is one thing that keeps the thread I'm hanging on from snapping.Hope.At times I think it's completely gone,but it appears out of no where.I'm not sure if it's good or bad because at times it feels like it mocks me with false realities.It's a defense mechanism that sends my mind into daydreams of the ideal college experience,but when I come back to reality if feel worse than before.It especially confuses me when I begin to think of myself as a waste of time.Hope appears again and reminds me of how funny,creative,and intelligent I am.It shows me the faces of those who love me the most and tells me how devastated they would be if I decided to do the worst.That's when doubt shows up to tell me how they never knew the real me and never will.It shows me all the times they could have asked what was wrong with me but didn't because they don't truly know me enough to know something was wrong.Then it blames me for not telling them in the first place.As I stare at my bottle of pills, something tells me that if I take them all they will rid me of the loneliness that fills the pit of my stomach all the way to the depths of heart.But yet again,hope appears.