Is it normal to have no fixed personality?
I am 18, and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety 2 years ago, after getting out of an abusive relationship. After a year of struggling with therapy, medications, and safety plans, I gained my parents trust back and convinced everyone I was 'healed' for the most part. I have been suppressing crippling anxiety, anger, and depression to this day- and have always struggled with my identity. I turned my back on 2 close friends, and barely maintain communication in only 3 other friendships. I don't think they are genuine friendships, however, because I do not care for any of them. I feel I have no constant personality whatsoever, that I can become who ever I see fit in order to get what I want. I recycle personas. When I talk to people, I constantly lie, even about the most trivial matters. It's may be a protective barrier or self defense mechanism I created to avoid social conflict and pain. I feel either no emotions at all or intense rage, anxiety, or hopelessness. I have no fixed interests, they vary day by day, and I can become very obsessed with things or people, and until I've fully obtained them, nothing else seems to matter. I look forward to manipulating people- and never regret it unless there are consequences that negatively affect me. I fantasize about killing people 'close' to me, such as family and friends, and imagine how easy my life would be without them. The only way I can feel comfortable is when I am completely alone. No need for acting, or meeting expectations. No masks. I would say I've lost myself, but I've never known who I was. I don't want to believe I am who I described.