I hated my father for years due to the unrelenting physical and emotional abuse. Since I was an only child till just before I started high school, it was just my mum and me. The fact that both Mum and I are tiny made it worse. I'm also the eldest grandchild on both sides of the family, so I had no older cousins. We were pretty isolated. I was homeless by 16, since CPS did nothing. Repeatedly.
But you know what I discovered? I hated him because I still cared. When you truly don't care about a person, situation or thing, you're indifferent. It doesn't take any of your resources. Hatred is closer to love than it is to indifference. So hatred is to do with anger or resentment, and very often, it is to do with fear or pain.
Many years after leaving, there was a family crisis. An external service was called in to help. It took quite a long time (years), but these days he doesn't lash out and the whole family is much closer because of it. At the outset I was quite sceptical and thought, Yeah, yeah, I've heard it all before. This time, though, Dad actually DID turn himself around. It was then that I realised that my hatred was really misdirected pain. I dearly wanted my dad to love me, but for so many years I believed he didn't, and that cut me to the bone.
So look closer. I'm sure that when you understand your hatred through peeling back the layers of pain, fear and resentment, you'll discover that the main reason you hate him is probably because you still care.
Is it normal to hate my father?
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I hated my father for years due to the unrelenting physical and emotional abuse. Since I was an only child till just before I started high school, it was just my mum and me. The fact that both Mum and I are tiny made it worse. I'm also the eldest grandchild on both sides of the family, so I had no older cousins. We were pretty isolated. I was homeless by 16, since CPS did nothing. Repeatedly.
But you know what I discovered? I hated him because I still cared. When you truly don't care about a person, situation or thing, you're indifferent. It doesn't take any of your resources. Hatred is closer to love than it is to indifference. So hatred is to do with anger or resentment, and very often, it is to do with fear or pain.
Many years after leaving, there was a family crisis. An external service was called in to help. It took quite a long time (years), but these days he doesn't lash out and the whole family is much closer because of it. At the outset I was quite sceptical and thought, Yeah, yeah, I've heard it all before. This time, though, Dad actually DID turn himself around. It was then that I realised that my hatred was really misdirected pain. I dearly wanted my dad to love me, but for so many years I believed he didn't, and that cut me to the bone.
So look closer. I'm sure that when you understand your hatred through peeling back the layers of pain, fear and resentment, you'll discover that the main reason you hate him is probably because you still care.
And that is totally normal.