First off, you need to do something about that self esteem. You set yourself up for a friendzone even before you really got to know eachoter.
"I told her not to get feelings, I didn't want to get attached to her and would never be good enough for her."
That's your own doing and there was no reason to do that. There's more than enough ways to tell someone you're not a great looker or anything and that you're nervous about that without slamming your own face into a brick wall and calling yourself a monster basicly.
If you tell her not to get feelings then don't be angry she sleeps with someone else.
You should have met as soon as she said she wanted to meet. No rolling around in low self esteem and trying to get "better". Just meet and see how it goes.
And don't ever be admitting to love someone you've never met, again your setting yourself up for disaster.
It is however her mistake to promise things she can't be sure of. She should have never told you that it doesn't matter at all how you look or whatever. But then again you set yourself up for that by being mister "I have no self esteem, i'm not good enough for you". At the time she was probably just trying to make you feel good, trying to make you get over yourself and just meet like she wanted to. The truth is she couldn't make the promise she'd be attracted to you if she never saw you before.
It's a very ugly thing that she made you feel like this. Because she knew well enough how sensitive you would be to it. But don't you think you put her in an impossible situation aswell? She knows well enough that she's gonna hurt you alot if after all this time and all the promises and all the love you's, that she has to tell you you're just not what she is looking for. She knows this, yet she has no choice but to tell you, because she can't force herself to feel otherwise and she can't lie about it.
Maybe she didn't tell you right away when you send the pictures because she didn't want to hurt you. Or maybe she just thought "i'm never gonna get him to meet me if I tell him and I WANT TO MEET HIM ANYWAY" ...and she'd probably be right. If she told you over text message you would have never agreed to meet, you would have never had a perfect date or had sex with eachoter.
Some things you simply can't promise someone over text message, and some things should be left for a face to face conversation. Never forget it. It's fine to say you have feelings for someone over text message. The next logical step is to meet up and see how it goes. It's not fine to admit love to eachoter over text message however, when you've never met the person.
She made mistakes by saying things she really couldn't promise or predict. But you set yourself up for all of it.
Don't assume you're the only one with the self esteem problems, alot of this must have been just as hard for her as it was for you. Yet you made her make the first move, made her make the decisions, made her feel responsible and now you're ready to rub it in and give her all the blame? Do you feel like that is fair to her?
You seem to be the one with the commitment issues, and you disguise that by setting yourself up in a way that people have zero expectations of you. Well the real courage lies in letting people have expectations of you and being able to meet those expectations without ruining your day to day life and developing an eating disorter because of the stress that gives you.
All things considered you did meet and had a nice date and had sex... you must have done something right don't you think? And I bet you learned alot from the whole experience. The trick now is not letting your own mind distort that memory into oblivion because your first impulse seems to be "enlarge the negative, excuse away the positive".
Hey, thank you for honest words. Your post made sense to me and I get that, now. Like I said, I cannot hate her, or blame her. But that does not mean that I want to stick around whilst she sleeps with others and gets with other guys.
The problem, or, the issue that I had was the fact that she had time to "get over the situation" to remove all of the feelings that she ever had for me whilst still leading me on thinking everything was fine when clearly it wasn't (in her head). I didn't have that time, and, she just randomly came out with it and expected me to be fine with it. In her words: "It sounds selfish but I'm glad I've told you so that we can just have sex now".
I don't find myself having commitment issues, I was ready to commit to her and didn't have a problem. it didn't scare me to think of being in a relationship with her, quite the opposite.
Again, I do not blame her for what she did. She had a choice to make that decision but she still went through with making us act like a couple (holding hands, kissing, sex etc..) you should/cannot do that and expect to have no feelings. It's just stupid, right?
I set myself up for this situation, I was honest with her from the beginning about not being good enough and not to develop feeling, and, it wasn't due to the fact that I had low self-esteem although, that was probably one of the reasons it was due to the fact that I didn't want a relationship and I had already heard about her reputation and therefore thought that she could never be girlfriend material. It's like she put on this massive act just because she was lonely and bored and when she found someone else, she just got rid of me because that is what she does.
Your advice is touching. Even though I have not experienced the OP's situation myself, two of your statements are definitely worth further contemplation:
You stated it was wrong to put a person in the position of taking responsibility and then blaming them if it turns out badly.
You said "The real courage lies in letting people have expectations of you and being able to meet those expectations without ruining your day to day life"
These are fabulous nuggets of wisdom. I think perhaps I have known these concepts already but never articulated it so well as you have here.
Is it normal to hate her for what she has done to me?
← View full post
First off, you need to do something about that self esteem. You set yourself up for a friendzone even before you really got to know eachoter.
"I told her not to get feelings, I didn't want to get attached to her and would never be good enough for her."
That's your own doing and there was no reason to do that. There's more than enough ways to tell someone you're not a great looker or anything and that you're nervous about that without slamming your own face into a brick wall and calling yourself a monster basicly.
If you tell her not to get feelings then don't be angry she sleeps with someone else.
You should have met as soon as she said she wanted to meet. No rolling around in low self esteem and trying to get "better". Just meet and see how it goes.
And don't ever be admitting to love someone you've never met, again your setting yourself up for disaster.
It is however her mistake to promise things she can't be sure of. She should have never told you that it doesn't matter at all how you look or whatever. But then again you set yourself up for that by being mister "I have no self esteem, i'm not good enough for you". At the time she was probably just trying to make you feel good, trying to make you get over yourself and just meet like she wanted to. The truth is she couldn't make the promise she'd be attracted to you if she never saw you before.
It's a very ugly thing that she made you feel like this. Because she knew well enough how sensitive you would be to it. But don't you think you put her in an impossible situation aswell? She knows well enough that she's gonna hurt you alot if after all this time and all the promises and all the love you's, that she has to tell you you're just not what she is looking for. She knows this, yet she has no choice but to tell you, because she can't force herself to feel otherwise and she can't lie about it.
Maybe she didn't tell you right away when you send the pictures because she didn't want to hurt you. Or maybe she just thought "i'm never gonna get him to meet me if I tell him and I WANT TO MEET HIM ANYWAY" ...and she'd probably be right. If she told you over text message you would have never agreed to meet, you would have never had a perfect date or had sex with eachoter.
Some things you simply can't promise someone over text message, and some things should be left for a face to face conversation. Never forget it. It's fine to say you have feelings for someone over text message. The next logical step is to meet up and see how it goes. It's not fine to admit love to eachoter over text message however, when you've never met the person.
She made mistakes by saying things she really couldn't promise or predict. But you set yourself up for all of it.
Don't assume you're the only one with the self esteem problems, alot of this must have been just as hard for her as it was for you. Yet you made her make the first move, made her make the decisions, made her feel responsible and now you're ready to rub it in and give her all the blame? Do you feel like that is fair to her?
You seem to be the one with the commitment issues, and you disguise that by setting yourself up in a way that people have zero expectations of you. Well the real courage lies in letting people have expectations of you and being able to meet those expectations without ruining your day to day life and developing an eating disorter because of the stress that gives you.
All things considered you did meet and had a nice date and had sex... you must have done something right don't you think? And I bet you learned alot from the whole experience. The trick now is not letting your own mind distort that memory into oblivion because your first impulse seems to be "enlarge the negative, excuse away the positive".
--
brokenhearted90
10 years ago
|
pl
Comment Hidden (
show
)
Report
2
2
-
Hayze
9 years ago
|
pl
Comment Hidden (
show
)
Report
0
0
Hey, thank you for honest words. Your post made sense to me and I get that, now. Like I said, I cannot hate her, or blame her. But that does not mean that I want to stick around whilst she sleeps with others and gets with other guys.
The problem, or, the issue that I had was the fact that she had time to "get over the situation" to remove all of the feelings that she ever had for me whilst still leading me on thinking everything was fine when clearly it wasn't (in her head). I didn't have that time, and, she just randomly came out with it and expected me to be fine with it. In her words: "It sounds selfish but I'm glad I've told you so that we can just have sex now".
I don't find myself having commitment issues, I was ready to commit to her and didn't have a problem. it didn't scare me to think of being in a relationship with her, quite the opposite.
Again, I do not blame her for what she did. She had a choice to make that decision but she still went through with making us act like a couple (holding hands, kissing, sex etc..) you should/cannot do that and expect to have no feelings. It's just stupid, right?
I set myself up for this situation, I was honest with her from the beginning about not being good enough and not to develop feeling, and, it wasn't due to the fact that I had low self-esteem although, that was probably one of the reasons it was due to the fact that I didn't want a relationship and I had already heard about her reputation and therefore thought that she could never be girlfriend material. It's like she put on this massive act just because she was lonely and bored and when she found someone else, she just got rid of me because that is what she does.
Brilliant response. I agree.
Your advice is touching. Even though I have not experienced the OP's situation myself, two of your statements are definitely worth further contemplation:
You stated it was wrong to put a person in the position of taking responsibility and then blaming them if it turns out badly.
You said "The real courage lies in letting people have expectations of you and being able to meet those expectations without ruining your day to day life"
These are fabulous nuggets of wisdom. I think perhaps I have known these concepts already but never articulated it so well as you have here.