Is it normal to feel out of the place?

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4 Comments

I arrived to a new town few months ago to keep ahead with my studies, but i feel after so long I haven't found real friends. No one looks interested in spending time to meet me. As if it was a worthless effort. They call me to fill in the gaps between parties, and coffees with other ppl. When I go somewhere i usually let it know to my aquitances so they can join. But they would never do the same for me as if time with their friends was something private to keep safe. I feel a second option. I feel used. Onlu called when needed... to ask me favours or when nothing more important or interesting is in perspective. I feel really sik of it. Thinking of moving back to my former uni. Maybe it was a wrong decission. what do you think?
Maybe it is because i am amature student? 25 is not much... but usualloy ppl know each other in here since 1st year... i dunno... Is this normal? I am sick of volunteering to keep busy and not to think why i feel so empty. im not a social worker, i and a really inetersting person and i never thought i would be begging friendship.. sick of it...
thanks...

Is It Normal?
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  • GingerAle
    13 years ago | pl

    The thing as I have explained is that I dunno WHY I dont fit here. I dont understand why people here behaves like this. Everyone is at their own business. Not caring at all about others.

    That is why I am asking if having this feeling is normal when someone arrives to a new place.

    As I said before, people here are respectful -i do not complaint about it-, but only remembers me when they need something... notes from class, maybe teaching something about IT stuff... as if I were a social worker -which I am not-.

    I am always willing to help, but I dont like people only remembers me when they need my help. I strongly believe friendship is something more than being politically correct and nice. Friendship is about caring, and feeling interested about others. But it seems not everyone thinks like this. So I wonder if I may be wrong. And that is all I can expect. Cos my friends, my real friends do care about me. As I do care about them. We talk about important things, not only about yesterday's lecture notes.

    I like to be with people, and I really dont understand why if i ask to go out for a coffe or something 1st of all, I have to beg for it... as if i were dealing with a doctor appointment and 2nd, people here would always answer: 'ups, Im sorry but I am meeting my friends. So I will let you know when I have a gap to have a coffe together'.
    But it is fake, They will never call back.
    Just if they need something, they would.

    What I would do -as i used to do before when i met some student from abroad in my former Uni, was to say that i was busy meeting my friends but invite this new person to meet them and welcome him or her to the group. Therefore this person would have me as friend but also get in contact with my friends and become integrated with the new campus/student life and so on.

    But this never happens here.

    It is as if private life were so private, that newcomers were aliens: guys to have appointments with from time to time, but not really ppl to become close to.

    And this is really killing me. I joined excursion clubs. I joined the swimming pool... I am voluntering at a group for kids with learning difficulties... but nothing works...I do many activities with people, but i have a lonely life. People I share my spare time with are polite, but do not seem interested in becoming more than acquaintances. Your life is your stuff, my life is my stuff. NO friends to chat important matters with... Thanks God I have internet and skype, so I can chat to my real friends.

    But it is being hard. Very hard. My doctor has ended by prescribing me medication for anxiety. I am seriously thinking of quitting Uni and go back home. This is not life.

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    • Maere
      9 years ago | pl

      It taking a long time to find new friends when moving to a new place is normal. It sounds like you're doing all the right things - joining clubs and other activities to meet people, volunteering, etc. Sometimes you just have to work your way through the assholes before you find the right people who want to be your friend. I know it's tough to hang in there 'til then, but try your hardest. Keep doing the things you're doing - they're keeping you busy if nothing else. Learn how to be alone.

      Being alone can be good. Being lonely isn't of course, but everyone will be alone at one time or another, so it's a good life skill to learn how to embrace it. Feel the feelings you are feeling when you're alone - panic, loneliness, fear - acknowledge them. They are valid. Feel them. Don't deny them. You may not be able to do this without getting lost in them at first, so try this in small doses first.

      Make yourself experience all those emotions. Try it for fifteen minutes. Just sitting alone, feeling them. Then give yourself the reward of getting online and connecting with your old friends. Do this every day, before getting on facebook or whatever other way you connect. Use the connection as a reward for sticking it out for those fifteen minutes. Once you get okay with sitting with your feelings for fifteen minutes, go for twenty, or thirty if you can.

      Learn new skills that you have to do alone. For me, it's baking. I love baking cakes that I take in to work. I get to spend time alone, relishing in the feeling while still feeling connected by thinking about how much my coworkers will love the cakes when I bring them in. I'm alone, yet connected. Maybe there is something else you can do that's similar?

      Above all else, know that you are not truly alone. There are many others out there going through what you are. I did. It was painful to learn how to deal with it, to live with it. At first it was soul-crushingly terrifying. Now that I have faced it and learned that it's not so scary after all, I am so much the better for it. I hope, truly I do hope, that you can learn how to be okay with it, or at best learn how to relish that alone time, as I have.

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  • cgirl123456
    13 years ago | pl

    Do you know exactly why you think you are alone? You didn't give a lot of details about why.

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  • cgirl123456
    13 years ago | pl

    It's hard to tell whether it's normal or not. I wish that I could be more of a help.

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