Is it normal to feel hate towards my bulimic sister?
Our whole lives my sister and I were a little chubby growing up. Were sixteen months apart, she's sixteen and i'm eighteen. My sister is the craziest, weirdest, sweetest, and the most funny girl I know. She makes me laugh everyday and I absolutely love her. But sometimes I worry about her health. We do everything together, shes my best friend, we even drink and smoke together. My friends are tight with all her friends and vice versa. But for the past two years she has been changing. She's been losing weight steadily, working out all the time but also eating all the time. My family recently discovered that she was bulimic.
I originally thought that she was losing weight by just working out but i didn't understand how she could still be eating the stuff she does. To go on top of all this, my family has a history of alcoholism and addiction. So there are times when we are drinking and she wants to get more drunk and she often does. It's like she doesn't realize that she has a limit. So she eats constantly now and secretly goes and barfs it back up. Her methods are a little different than the regular bulimic. She uses cups. There are hidden cups everywhere, in her room, downstairs, in cupboards. I don't know why she doesn't just go to the bathroom and use the toilet but i think she just can't make it there in time. she no longer has to use her finger, it happens automatically. So whenever she eats, about 45 minutes after, her body is telling her to puke and it does.
The fact that she does this brings me to tears. I haven't cried since my best friend died in 2008 and for awhile I thought i'd never cry again. I'm a pretty strong person but this destroys me. I'm scared everyday that she is going to die from this disease. This makes me so sad that I become bitter. So bitter I've began to feel resentment towards her for doing this. I'm no longer sad, i'm mad. I'm mad that I can't do anything to stop it and i'm mad that she is the only one that can decide to stop. She is now 105 pounds, drinks too excessively, and has even tried heroin. Shes started seeing a therapist and they've made baby steps but to me that isn't good enough. I want my best friend back, I don't want to get in fights over this disease, I don't want to find a rotten cup of puke hidden away from two weeks ago because she ate too much at dinner. And none of this is caused by my parents and how they raised us, they are the best parents in the world. This has to do with insecurity, self loathing, and poor self esteem.
I just want to know, Is It Normal to feel this hate towards my best friend, towards my sister?