When you say you enjoyed being raped, I wonder what exactly you mean by this.
If someone is desperately trying to lose weight and keep their calorie intake down, but someone holds them down, forces their mouth open and crams chocolate in their mouth, it will taste sweet and be enjoyable in that sense, but they won't like the experience because they've been coerced into doing something against their will.
However, some people might also get enjoyment from the coercion. Maybe having no choice about eating the chocolate eliminates the guilt they feel.
Similarly, when women are raped, some do experience physical pleasure and have an orgasm. The genitals are stimulated in the right way to produce an orgasm, and it happens. It's a reflex. Just as it's impossible to not taste the sweetness of chocolate, it's impossible to disconnect the pleasure centers of the brain from the genital nerves.
Only a professional sex counselor could help you understand the connection between your childhood sexual abuse and your interest in rape now. Since you mention the abuse, you seem to feel it is somehow related.
I'm not a psychologist, but I can sort of see how what you're feeling now might be about you trying to come to terms with that abuse. Hypothetically, I can see how a young woman might have some vague feelings of sexual attraction for her step-father but repress these, and then, when he sexually abuses her, she could feel very conflicted about whether she secretly wanted it to happen and just how much she enjoyed it. If the step-father does the usual and justifies his abuse by saying she was "asking for it", then this just adds to her uncertainty. If the abuse was your introduction to sex, it's obvious that this would have long-term repercussions.
You say you haven't fantasized about rape, but surveys show that such fantasies are very common. From a very early age, girls pick up all sorts of messages about how they shouldn't want to have sex. Even in today's social climate, it's difficult to really get over this, so sometimes the rape fantasy is about avoiding blame for the sex: you have sex, but you're still a "good girl" because you didn't want it. Sometimes, the underlying thought is, "I'm so hot, I drive men crazy with lust."
I wonder if you wanting to be in a rape scenario with your boyfriend might be about him, in some sense, "reclaiming" you? Or maybe, as much as you like him, there's a lack of basic, animal passion in your sex-life? The guys in the gym wanted you and they took you, even though you didn't want it. Your boyfriend respects you and is kind and considerate, but maybe, deep down, you see his gentleness as meaning he doesn't really feel a sexual NEED for you.
And perhaps that's the connection between the abuse and the rape. Those men were desperate to fuck you regardless of the consequences. Your boyfriend, since you are in a settled relationship, pays too much attention to consequences for you to feel desperately needed. Maybe you need him to objectify you, step outside all the respect of your relationship for a while, and see you as nothing more than something to be fucked and used.
Like I say, only if you spend some time with a professional sex counselor can you hope to really understand your urges and how they relate to your experiences. You're not going to get that sort of help here, but I hope I've given you some food for thought.
Finally, considering what you've been asking him to do, I think it's good you haven't mentioned the rape in the gym to your boyfriend. If he knew about that incident, I can see how this might create all sorts of complications. Since you've been asking him to force you to have sex, it would be very understandable if he wondered whether what happened in the gym truly was non-consensual, of if you deliberately set it up to happen.
IIN to enjoy being raped¿
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When you say you enjoyed being raped, I wonder what exactly you mean by this.
If someone is desperately trying to lose weight and keep their calorie intake down, but someone holds them down, forces their mouth open and crams chocolate in their mouth, it will taste sweet and be enjoyable in that sense, but they won't like the experience because they've been coerced into doing something against their will.
However, some people might also get enjoyment from the coercion. Maybe having no choice about eating the chocolate eliminates the guilt they feel.
Similarly, when women are raped, some do experience physical pleasure and have an orgasm. The genitals are stimulated in the right way to produce an orgasm, and it happens. It's a reflex. Just as it's impossible to not taste the sweetness of chocolate, it's impossible to disconnect the pleasure centers of the brain from the genital nerves.
Only a professional sex counselor could help you understand the connection between your childhood sexual abuse and your interest in rape now. Since you mention the abuse, you seem to feel it is somehow related.
I'm not a psychologist, but I can sort of see how what you're feeling now might be about you trying to come to terms with that abuse. Hypothetically, I can see how a young woman might have some vague feelings of sexual attraction for her step-father but repress these, and then, when he sexually abuses her, she could feel very conflicted about whether she secretly wanted it to happen and just how much she enjoyed it. If the step-father does the usual and justifies his abuse by saying she was "asking for it", then this just adds to her uncertainty. If the abuse was your introduction to sex, it's obvious that this would have long-term repercussions.
You say you haven't fantasized about rape, but surveys show that such fantasies are very common. From a very early age, girls pick up all sorts of messages about how they shouldn't want to have sex. Even in today's social climate, it's difficult to really get over this, so sometimes the rape fantasy is about avoiding blame for the sex: you have sex, but you're still a "good girl" because you didn't want it. Sometimes, the underlying thought is, "I'm so hot, I drive men crazy with lust."
I wonder if you wanting to be in a rape scenario with your boyfriend might be about him, in some sense, "reclaiming" you? Or maybe, as much as you like him, there's a lack of basic, animal passion in your sex-life? The guys in the gym wanted you and they took you, even though you didn't want it. Your boyfriend respects you and is kind and considerate, but maybe, deep down, you see his gentleness as meaning he doesn't really feel a sexual NEED for you.
And perhaps that's the connection between the abuse and the rape. Those men were desperate to fuck you regardless of the consequences. Your boyfriend, since you are in a settled relationship, pays too much attention to consequences for you to feel desperately needed. Maybe you need him to objectify you, step outside all the respect of your relationship for a while, and see you as nothing more than something to be fucked and used.
Like I say, only if you spend some time with a professional sex counselor can you hope to really understand your urges and how they relate to your experiences. You're not going to get that sort of help here, but I hope I've given you some food for thought.
Finally, considering what you've been asking him to do, I think it's good you haven't mentioned the rape in the gym to your boyfriend. If he knew about that incident, I can see how this might create all sorts of complications. Since you've been asking him to force you to have sex, it would be very understandable if he wondered whether what happened in the gym truly was non-consensual, of if you deliberately set it up to happen.