Is it normal to consult an ex about a current relationship problem?

guys are visual creatures. its healthy to have two sexual relationships. one with yourself and one with your partner. if he was using porn instead of having sex with you then its a problem but if your sex life was satisfying then it shouldnt be a problem. men see porn very different to how girls do. they dont have any emotional attachments to it. they just see it as a sex tool just like girls use a vibrator as a sex tool. i dont know any chicks who have feelings for their vibrator.
but i kinda dont understand your question. do you have a problem that you hurt your ex or do you have a problem with porn? since your ex doesnt have any ill feelings for you, then take it as that.
i wouldnt really suggest being friends with your ex because of the feelings you still have for him.

well i might check out that site and see what its all about. nah im not on skype. yeah i dont mind us still chatting, i will keep checking back on this story.

You have helped me, I think about what you've said a lot. I thought you might like dear cupid because the kind of advice you give would be well received on that site, I think you could help people. I'm not on fb, are you on skype? haha yeah I was just joking about doing an IIN profile background check. Hopefully we can stay in touch.

thats okay, i only wondered what country you lived in. i was just curious. haha i dont mind you doing a background check on me, you wont even find a parking ticket. nah i dont go on any "chat" type sites, just this and facebook mainly. i never heard of dear cupid before. you are most welcome. i am hoping that i have helped you even a little bit. its hard to give someone advice when you dont actually know them personally.

That's okay, no offense taken. I'd prefer not to post it as there's more like 0.6 degrees of separation where I live. Thank you, you sound like a very nice wise person to talk to... let me just do a background check (meaning your profile) - just kidding!! You can't pm on here, are you on any other sites, like dear cupid? Thank you, I'm having another rough day and just want to get over this for good. It's torture.

im sorry, i shouldnt have judged your job circumstances without asking first. maybe doing some volunteering will help him get a job? where do you live? just curious.
like i mentioned before, i think you know what is right and wrong and what you should and shouldnt do, you just have to start trusting your boyfriend. both of you working will help the situation a lot.
haha yeah i got the name from a friend of mine. we were talking a while ago about old school mates and how he started a rumour about a guy who went to Thailand to become a ladyman to love you long time and i thought that was just gold! so i stole it from him lol
i sincerely hope that you both get through this rough patch in your relationship because it will only make you stronger. but again, if you feel like he is preferring porn over you then there is a problem. only you can figure it out. i dont mind still talking about this with you if you want. if not then i wish you all the best of luck!! xx

I've tried to figure out if he has an addiction to it or not, it's hard to define and only he can truly answer that. I know it's a 5 minute thing, if that.

It's just really hard to get a job in this town, he's trying and wants to work and actually feels pretty depressed about not having a job. Us both being out of the house more often would definitely take some pressure off.

Funny name, ladymantoloveyoulongtime! Hope to catch you on this site again. Cheers my compadre :)

i asked if he had a job because if he has all day to do nothing but look at porn then he could have an addiction to porn which is not a healthy thing at all. he really needs to get a job, not only for the money, but to keep his mind occupied. why doesnt he work? also if he gets a job then he wont have the opportunity to watch porn so when he gets home from work, he will be horny and you will be home so he will have sex with you. he is also probably never horny for you because he gets off during the day so he doesnt have any urges to have sex, do you know what i mean by that? im sorry but i kinda dont respect a guy who is too lazy to work and would rather watch porn and jerk off all day. if i was you, i would have dumped him a long time ago. i think things might change when he gets a job. you wont have to worry if he has watched porn, you will get extra money coming in, he will probably start having sex with you too. so really its an all round good thing but that is just what i think.

Well I'm very grateful for every word, or rambling :) I too have been told I'm too serious, look too deeply into things, read too much into things etc. etc. "but i like to look at things at all angles before i make my decision. there is never just one choice or option or scenario" - I'm EXACTLY the same.

I wish I could feel the way that you described. I guess I feel it's unfair because as I said in the 2yrs we've been together I've had very few fantasies about others while masturbating (I said men, but half of them were women and I certainly wouldn't care less if my bf had a sexual fantasy about a guy, I'd much prefer it!). There's 1 or 2 men and only 1 woman I can remember and only 1 of those fantasies was actually good and it was the 1 about the woman.

I don't know why a 'silly fantasy' would bother me SO MUCH. I fear the intensity of them for him, I fear because they are for the purpose of masturbating that therefore he's really thinking about and wanting to and in a way simulating having sex with that person, mentally and physically, when I'm in the next room wishing he would just have sex with me :( But then, it's 'for the purpose of masturbating', not he's masturbating 'for the purpose of relieving his desires for that person', or is he? Isn't it really just those other women who are giving him the urge? Or maybe sometimes the feeling has been there for a while and he's caved and sought out some visual aid to make it easier. Is it other women or is it him? Maybe it's just hormones, stress, but surely he could think about me as well and try not to use something or someone that would upset me. I just don't like him having an orgasm over someone else, if he does that or thinks about in that way I don't know.

We fought because I was suspicious that he'd used porn before I came home, wrong of me I know. I thought we were breaking up because he's threatened it if I don't change, because we've fought every month or more for the last 6 months (since I walked in after he'd used porn when I was home, which he had me under the impression would never happen, that he'd have sex with me instead. I was really hurt because he knows I don't like him using it, we hadn't had sex for nearly a week during which he'd had opportunities to use it, and I wanted to that night and felt thwarted by it taking care of his need. It was mainly that I thought I was safe from that ever happening while I was home, that it was a substitute for when I wasn't around, not something he would EVER choose over me).

Why did you ask if he works? What were you thinking about it?

Warm regards :)

of course he will be tired for a little while when he gets a job but he will get used to it. it will give you spare cash to be able to go out and have weekends away and things like that to keep that spark going.
well every guy is different when it comes to fantasies so i cant really comment on what other guys think or do or whatever. that is something that you are going to have to ask your boyfriend. but coming from my point of view with my partner. i know she admires certain guys and how they look or act or whatever. whether she fantasises about them, well i have never really thought about it or asked her. i guess i like to have my privacy so i dont pry into her privacy. if she wants to tell me or talk about it, then i am all ears but i wont force the conversation. i do like to give her crap sometimes and say "ooo theres your boyfriend" when we see johny depp or hugh jackman on tv because i know she finds both of them attractive and i know that i am not as attractive as they are but she loves me and makes love to me so those thoughts never jump into my head. im sure she has thought about hugh jackman in a sexual way but that is just a fantasy and i know if she ever did get the chance to have a romantic moment with him, she wouldnt because we have such a wonderful relationship and i sure as hell wouldnt want to ruin it just for a one night stand either.
yes i do think alot and i know i can ramble on a bit sometimes. i have been told too that i can look too deep into things sometimes but i like to look at things at all angles before i make my decision. there is never just one choice or option or scenario.
why did you think you were going to break up? what did you fight over?
well its obvious that he doesnt want to break up with you to have that 5 year plan and to involve you in it.

I thought we were breaking up last night and then we had one of the best nights of sex we've had in months and I felt that "spark" again and it got me thinking again of all the possibilities... I told him a fantasy I have sometimes, since the beginning of our relationship when he told me about a place overseas he wanted to take me to one day and make love... he told me he still has that same fantasy too sometimes, and that it's his 3 or 5yr plan to take me there and make love :) I wasn't sure if he was still having fantasies about me, but wouldn't that be abnormal if he wasn't? Sometimes the fantasy is based on a memory, or springs from a memory and maybe you add to it or it changes, or you're having it because you're thinking about reliving it again when you get home... It's not so much random fantasies that pop into your head wherever you are that bother me, because you don't always choose the thoughts that come into your head, it's more him purposely having an orgasm purposely fantasizing thinking about another girl, especially if it's him with the girl, and some girls would bother me, some wouldn't, but I know it's not for me to choose. I also don't know *if* or how much he actually does this. I know I can never take someone's freedom away from them, nor would I want to, nor would I have ever expected I would have these thoughts/feelings/reactions/insecurities and be this uncool and somewhat controlling :( I guess it took forming a strong attachment to someone for these things to have the potential to bother me. Maybe sex is more the emotional/bonding/closeness for me, tho I do like a lustful quickie (and they're very good for your relationship) or to be f***** you know, hard or whatever... sorry!

I always try to talk to him calmly, at first I didn't and it took A LOT for him to get angry but eventually he started to get angry at anything I said and I would start crying, he'd ignore me, I'd start yelling...

Compromise IS very important, it took me a long time to have the confidence to ask him to compromise, I don't recall him suggesting any himself. Do you think that anything I said in those 1st 2 paragraphs in my 2nd previous post is unreasonable?

I know what I have to do - things to distract myself, occupy myself, spend time apart, work on intimacy, do diff things together, have more fun together again, work on my body and mind... practise letting the negative thoughts go before they lead me down a destructive path and start coming out of my mouth!!

And yes, focusing on my breathing. You really know what you're talking about. Thank you, I need that reminder :)

Thank you for your counsel, you write a lot, like I do, so you seem to think a lot, like I do - too much :( You're very thoughtful. My eternal thanks :)

You guessed it. He doesn't work, no. He had an interview for a job working on his feet, and my mind went what if he'll then be too tired to have sex with me? Those kind of thoughts need to cease.

well it sounds to me that you know what you need to do and you know the problems. but i think that if you want this relationship to work, you need to get that "spark" back. the couple i spoke of earlier had to go back to square one. that is why i suggested this to you. go out on dates again, go out to dinner, visit zoos... whatever you both like to do. take yourselves out of the house and away from porn and that situation and see where that leads you. but you do need to talk to him and just talk. no yelling or getting upset. if you start to feel upset, just breathe. focus only on your breathing to get your feelings back on track and then keep talking. but you both do need to come to an agreement and you both need to trust that agreement. that is one thing that a few people find hard to do in relationships - compromise. you both need to be happy with what has been agreed on.
i am not sure when your boyfriend will open up to you about his fantasies. but you need to work on you first. get yourself back on track and get that spark back in the relationship.
this may sound like a silly question, but does your partner work?

The list goes on of things I would probably be quite comfortable with when it comes to his potential fantasies. He wouldn't be too limited. But I would LOVE if he would tell me a fantasy he has had about ME and/or act it out with me - and my fantasies about him too. That would make me feel special. It would remind me I was still on his mind even from a distance - like I was at the start of our relationship. I think that's important, as it serves to recreate and relive the beginning for a moment again.

My point with those last 2 paragraphs is this:

I would like him to at least *sometimes* consider my feelings when he chooses what to watch, I would like him to sometimes watch it with me for the purpose of OUR sexual experience, and I would like him to limit his use not *too* much that he will crave it more but enough that he won't be in a habit and craving it still more. I'd like him to self monitor somewhat, for his honour and for my peace of mind. I think that's fair. I'd probably like it but I've never expected him to give it up and I know I wouldn't be able to believe it if he said he did!

As for the fantasies, I'd like to be included at least some of the time, nameless faceless anonymous is fine, 'ideas' rather than about specific people is fine... but overall I'd like the fantasies to happen rarely, especially if he has the opportunity to use porn enough. I think I could stay sane if he could do this for me. I don't want to be with a guy who is 1. using porn regularly, 2. and/or fantasizing about other women regularly and not including me. I think I'm well within my rights to expect this in a serious relationship. Does any of this sound unreasonable?

I do see a psych, one revelatory thing he said to me is that people will lie when they feel it is unsafe to tell the truth. And he wouldn't be safe from my wrath, my million questions, my crying, screaming, bringing it up again and again and basically making his life hell. Who wouldn't lie if they thought there was a better chance they could avoid that? He (and my bf) warned me 6 months ago that me losing the plot was an infinitely bigger threat to our relationship and sex life than anything he might look at or possibly fantasize about. The *suspected* preference of masturbation to porn or fantasies to sex with me is most likely entirely my fault.

Boy do I need to get pro self-esteem like mad. Maybe this is a good, valuable test for me. There is something good to lose - our relationship before I went crazy, having this person in my life for the special reasons unique to him and to us. I so badly miss our relationship b4 all this compounded on me. I'd love it to be like that again. Despite a few very obvious and trying differences I still want this person in my life and want him to be that special person to me.

Regarding your previous 2nd post that you mentioned - I've always considered myself a very open minded individual and it is something I value highly. I was very surprised that porn tested that, but I had never been in a relationship that was close, serious, long term OR live-in - none of the above - to 1. encounter it/know about it, or 2. be affected by it. I just had NO IDEA!!!!!

I would hug you (lady)man. Yours is a lucky girl ;) And you too aussiewolf - depending where you live I probably could! Funny, Johnny Depp is ALWAYS the example used. Yes, fan from way back and for non-sexual reasons too.

THANK YOU!!! You've been so kind to me :)

There was something I forgot...

Again I am indebted. At least I feel cared about by a couple of guys here! Kidding... as in I know my bf cares about me too! I must say I am really impressed when men don't automatically go on the defense for 'all men's rights' blah blah blah, but are honest about themselves as well as considering a female's perspective. Thank you :)

He instigates more often, I do it in more indirect ways because I am shy. And I think have lacked the confidence to instigate due to an unfounded fear of rejection. You made an excellent point about that and I will endeavour to be the instigator more often in future (if we ever have sex again...???!).

Is the reason you focus on what the girl in porn is doing due to a desire you have for your partner to do more of those things? Perhaps I should watch more porn and increase my repertoire (I do try as it is).

There are no rules to fantasy, I meant that simply as a figure of speech, i.e. is what you do more common or more rare? I guess it depends on the person and the relationship. I would hope it is more common or at least more common for my partner.

His anger and upset made me suspicious too, as it was such a strong negative reaction against me, rather than just saying 'of course I don't do that, I don't need to do that when I have you...' - but then someone saying that could also be spinning you a load of bs in order to keep you protected under an illusion, it could be equally as manipulative. He probably has fantasized about other women, maybe not who I might suspect or in the way I might think... I will never know. I understand that some things are sacred - not special, just that they don't need to be revealed.

I'm sure I would object to some of the women he might choose to get off watching (as I have seen 1 video - HUGE mistake!!!!!! that I made knowing I was making it, I watched it repeatedly, studied it, dreamt I had her body and I was happy, woke up with it playing over and over again in my mind several times, cried repeatedly over it, wanted to hurt myself over it, I hope it fades from my memory eventually).

i agree with ladyman. i also think you need to stop comparing yourself with other women. there is always going to be more attractive women out there and uglier women. love your body because i am sure its beautiful.

men are always going to look at other girls, its human nature. but just because they look, that doesnt mean that they dont love you and dont find you attractive. who are they going home with? there is a saying that i love to use - it doesnt matter where you get your appetite, as long as you get your meal at home. meaning, it doesnt matter that you look at other people, as long as you have sex with your partner.
i used to feel insecure about my partner using a vibrator when we started going out because i thought that my package wasnt enough for her. but she made me realise that it is just a sex tool for herself, just like porn is for me.
i dont know what else i can tell you apart from that i think you need to work on your self esteem issues and go from there and to find another guy who wants to be with you and love and make love to you.

well i think for him to get so offended so quickly over a question is suspicious. i know people who are doing the wrong thing and when they get caught they get angry and try to turn it against the other person and try to make them feel guilty for having those suspicions. i am not sure if you read my second post before you responded, it took a while before it showed up.
the girls in porn are just fantasy girls. every guy i know prefer "real" women to porn girls. guys dont look that deep into the girls in porn. they dont see the colour of their eyes or their hair style or how beautiful their smile is. well i surely dont anyway. like i said before, i just watch what they do. i dont have any favourite porn stars, i dont actually know any of their names. i dont know them and i dont care.
maybe you should go and talk to a psychologist to help you with your self esteem issues. whether you deal with your porn issues or not. you really need to know that you are a wonderful person who deserves to be loved and treated with love and respect. but you also need to realise that you are not the only girl on this planet. like i said very early on, guys are visual creatures. but just because a guy finds another girls attractive, that doesnt mean he has feelings for her. do you find johny depp attractive? even i find him attractive lol but its not like we are going to go out and try to bang the guy. do you understand what i am trying to say?
i was going to ask you whether you instigate sex or not because that could be an issue too. if i was too instigate sex all the time, it would get boring. i like my partner to show me that they want me too. sex isnt about the guy getting off, its sharing an intimate moment with each other and pleasuring each other. to me communication and sex are two of the more important things in relationships. if you cant communicate and enjoy sex together then there is no hope. but again, that is just my opinion.
there are no "rules" to fantasies and yes i am what i say i am. i dont like to sugar coat things and i dont lie. people either respect me for it or hate me for it but either way they know where they stand with me.
but for your partner to lie to you about this again and again is disrespectful and i think you have two options in this relationship. option 1 - put up with him masturbating over porn and not having sex with you OR option 2 - dump him and find a guy who will love you and want to have sex with you.

"she got very jealous and insecure even when her partner looked at another girl even though he didnt have any thoughts or anything about her" - I'm the same. Is it really possible he wasn't having any thoughts about her? That's what my bf said when I pulled him up for glancing at a young skinny girl's very perfect legs in short shorts when she walked passed the car. I felt it as a stab in the heart, even tho he says my legs are perfect, that look hurt, and he denied it.

My bf has said similar things to you, imagining it is me/us, imagining me in the outfit... but I wonder is that the exception or the rule? I wasn't sure if he was just saying that when it might not usually be the case? Are you really like what you said? I've been given the impression men are mostly fantasizing about others when they masturbate and as he seems to now choose to masturbate more than have sex with me (tho unconfirmed), you can imagine how distressed, paranoid and anxious I get.

Geez, thank you again, you don't know how much you've helped me today.

Geez, you're really helping me 'cause right now I'm sitting here crying - hang on, that didn't come out right... You are really helping me and I am sitting here crying but not because of you! I was thinking how I don't know if I can ever be with another guy again, if I can't deal with this.

I have the plane fantasy too, probably the train fantasy takes precedence (without getting too Freudian). I tried to instigate my sex in a deserted gas station bathroom fantasy but my bf was too uncomfortable to even enter the bathroom because there were a couple of unsavory looking men outside. What were they gonna do, really? And he got uncomfortable when we attempted to have sex on a secluded part of an empty beach late at night. I've probably forgotten most of the fantasies I wanted to live out with him because every time I've instigated or suggested it there's been no follow through. Apart from telling me what he'd like me to wear I can't remember him ever telling me a fantasy he's had about me - I told him that would help. We do plan to watch porn together that I choose. Right now all feeling has been killed for me. I'm finally feeling nothing, not caring if we have sex, not really wanting to with him or myself or anyone. It'll pass. There's still much to explore but I can't do that with him until I have repaired myself enough.

You described exactly me in that story. The porn/fantasies/other women brought all my insecurities to the fore and I know this and me often bringing the issue up has put him off. I find it hard to just not care about it. He lies to save arguments/hurting me, but knowing he has lied makes it impossible to trust him completely. I will never like the idea of him getting off over another girl, but that is how I see it and maybe not how it always really is. I'm glad things worked out for your friend :) Sounds like she has the ideal situation. I wish my bf would not watch it very much at all anymore and mainly with me.

I see you meant thinking about sex in general and all things related. In general is fine, a variety of diff scenarios is fine, about specific other women is what hurts, badly. Maybe with the exception of 'generous' women such as Scarlett Johansson or Christina Hendricks on occasion, like everyone on the planet, maybe even myself! Most women in porn look like they're 16 with no excess skin. I'm thin, but not that taut.

My bf wouldn't tell me yes or no about having fantasies, then he got hurt and offended that I thought he was thinking about other women, he wasn't straight with me so I thought the worst. I don't want to be only 2yrs into a relationship with someone where they're fantasizing about other women more than rarely and I'm not. I understand if I'm being upset, bitter, crazy, blaming then I'm not very appealing.

and i am happy to help out. i know so many people who have broken up because of porn and i think that instead of trying to stop something that is pretty much impossible to stop, embrace it, find the positives of the situation. i mean lets be honest, there isnt a single guy that doesnt watch porn. but like i said before, as long as it doesnt take over your relationship, i think its healthy to be open minded to things like that.
but this is just my opinion and my situation. there are so many people out there who would disagree but my relationship is wonderful. not just sexually, emotionally too because we are open with each other and we trust each other and can talk about anything. if you can find a partner that you can share everything (not including other real people of course lol) with then why spend your life miserable. i just dont want to wake up one day and regret anything that i have done or not done. we only have one life to live and i want it to be great. sure i have played the field when i was younger but i wasnt ready to settle down and when i met my special someone, that is when i settled down. and i knew that my friends who i mentioned earlier are supposed to be together so for them to break up over something that has actually made their lives together better and more exciting and more open, well why not embrace it. they love each other dearly and would never ever think about being with anyone else, the same with my partner and i. variety is the spice of life.
now i am not saying that you have to do anything i have said but its just something to think about. whether you share this with your current boyfriend or someone else or whether you will hate porn for the rest of your life. well thats entirely up to you. i am just suggesting to be a little bit more open minded to different things, not just with porn. just with life in general. but i think everyone should think like i do lol

one thing i forgot to add before, maybe he has closed himself off to you because he thinks you are not as open minded as you want to show that you are so you dont get the opportunity to have sex outdoors etc. my relationship with my partner is very open minded. i am not using porn as an excuse to let him watch it but heres a situation which could help. btw, my friends are open minded and we talk about a lot of things. and i am not saying this to make it look like your fault, it is just one situation.
this girl i know was against porn so much that it nearly tore her and her partner apart. she was very down on herself which made her down on porn. she had no self esteem, she got very jealous and insecure even when her partner looked at another girl even though he didnt have any thoughts or anything about her. she eventually went to see a psychologist about her problems and made her realise that she is a wonderful and sexy girl and it was her own insecurities which was causing the problems. her partner lied to her about porn because it caused arguments. since her opening her mind up to different things, they share so much more when it comes to sex. they are quite a dirty couple lol but they are so happy and married and are trying for children. he used porn more when they argued over it because he couldnt get her to open up to new things in bed because she felt so horrible about herself. i guess what i am trying to say is, guys like a bit of "dirtyness" when it comes to sex. so maybe if you shared even just watching porn together as a start, it could give you both some really great ideas hence the variety. i am not sure if i am explaining this right so if you dont understand, let me know and i will try to explain it better. but since she started being more open minded and trying new things, they have sex more often and try things with each other, instead of watching porn. they still watch porn together too but he doesnt watch it very much at all anymore.
when i watch porn, i dont look at the girl as a whole. i dont even look at her face. i watch what they do and the positions and i do love outdoor porn, doing it in parks and things like that. i dont imagine that i am doing it with the girl, i imagine that its me and my partner doing what they are doing. what the girl is wearing too. that is what i meant by sexy things and sex toys as being a sexy thing. variety of sex meaning different positions and places. for me it is never about doing it with anyone else. when i fantasise, i never actually think of a specific person, i fantasise about what i would like to do with my partner and where i want to do it. like i would love to bonk on a plane but i dont think it will ever happen so i just fantasise doing that with my partner.

Thank you so much, I really appreciate it. We need space from ea other so it's hard for me to not suspect these things are going on without me. He won't level with me and I know he's lied to me creating more mistrust. I really don't know how often he chooses it over me, I told him I would never be or be made to feel 2nd to porn. He said of course not! Yet I've suspected many times he's closed his web browser and snuck off to the bathroom when I've woken up, or he's compromised and had sex with me and then used porn the next night. The other day I saw porn on the screen, he claimed it was a pop up, he wasn't alone again until bedtime when he miraculously after nearly a week felt like having sex with me (I found it hard not to attribute it to whatever he was looking at that day and not getting to masturbate).

Why is it just *so* important to him to do that when he knows how much hurt, mistrust etc. it causes?

Is it really NOT about the women? How couldn't it be? Do you mean a variety of types of sex and/or with diff people? What do you mean by 'sexy things'?

Thank you greatly for your help, you're helping me get through a difficult day, I'm indebted.

i guess this could come down to men are from mars and women are from venus. we may be the same animal but we think two totally different ways. there isnt any emotional attachment with fantasies. but men do love variety but not a variety of women. its just a variety of sex and sexy things. also the ease of porn makes it hard for guys to not watch it.
are you spending time together while you are both home? maybe start "fresh". go out to dinner, go on "dates". try to get that "connection" back and go from there.
but i still do think he has a problem with porn since he would rather watch that than have sex with you which i see as a big problem in the relationship. i think you would be happy with porn if your partner looked at you first then that second, not the other way around. i still think you need to find a guy who will think you are the most gorgeous chick in the world, who wants to bang you anywhere, anytime. who wants to act out his fantasies with you and not with a bunch of pixels on a screen.

Thank you, I really appreciate your honesty and openness :) I don't have much contact with my mum and I'm not sure if I told her these things if they would pass her lips :( Our sex life is not as varied as actually I'D like it to be - sure different positions, different outfits/lingerie, but I'd like it to be more adventurous and out of the house...

You're right and we do fight too often over this. I've brought this issue up so much that it has pushed him away, I know I've done more damage than any video or fantasy. But I feel damaged by these things, I feel low, not enough, like an option rather than a preference for his sexual release.

I take fantasizing about other women as a another level to porn, that it shows dissatisfaction or a need/want/desire for more variety of women and more sexual experiences - which is normal but I think it's something that can go on the back burner when you're in contented, loving relationship. I don't see the point of being in a relationship if you want to think about having sex with others.

I could count the sexual fantasies I've had about other men for the purpose of masturbation whilst in this relationship on one hand. I don't want to be with someone who is often having fantasies about others, it upsets me. Do some men have them often and some very rarely? I just don't know these things! I know my behaviour has probably pushed him away so much that he'd be more likely to need/want to have fantasies for release, also as he has a promise to me to not use porn while I am home (which is most of the time). I thought I caught him twice but he claims they were pop ups, which I know can happen but... how do I trust? He's angry at me for not trusting him. I find it disrespectful he ever used porn while I was home.

Thank you so much.

well i know guys who only masturbate once a week and guys who do it several times a day so every guy is different. also its healthy to fight or argue over things. but to fight too often over silly things is not healthy. if you fight then both of you calm down to talk about what was said and come to an agreement then that is really good but communication is the most important thing in a relationship.
most guys i know lie to their partners about the amount of porn they use because it starts arguments.
personally i like to have some play time every morning first thing. i love to start my day off with a bang. my own personal sex life with myself has nothing to do with my partner. even if we had sex 10 times a day, i would still like to have my own time with myself. i dont know how to explain it but cumming by myself is different to cumming with my partner. occasionally i like to watch porn but i mainly like to use my imagination because i find porn boring and repetitive. at least in my mind, i can have whatever fantasy i want. but like BoredGuy has said, as soon as i cum, the thoughts are out of my head.
do you have a varied sex life? what i mean by that is do you do it the same way every time? i like to mix it up a little, different rooms and different positions. some guys use porn because their sex life is boring.
are you able to maybe talk to your mum about these issues? you might be surprised how much your mum understands and can give you good advice. i talk to my mum about sensitive issues and she always gives me the best advice.

And thank you ladymantoloveyou, I don't think I could get over him pretty quick as we've been pretty close - probably why it hurt so much. We've talked about it to the point of it being risky if we don't stay calm enough to not fight. I only have one other man to talk to about it and he costs money to talk to!!

Absolutely it is hard to sustain a relationship once trust is broken and you've been lied to, and I do constantly think he's using other women in a sense when we're not having sex. How could I believe a week isn't a long time for a man to not masturbate or have sex, or that he hasn't masturbated for months when we've rarely had sex? I'm not a fool.

I'd say 99.9% of men have seen porn, but less than that view it regularly, or whilst in a relationship where they're sexually satisfied. I'm relieved to know it's immediately forgotten about, my bf has told me as much, that only our experiences linger in his mind (which sometimes lead him to needing to use porn if I'm gone the next day).

I don't know of any experts, I'm sure they exist. If it enhances the sexual relationship it can be healthy, if one partner feels separate from it (which I have, rightly or wrongly so) it is unhealthy.

So unless you have complete openness and no insecurity in your relationship, save your separate likes for when you're single and watch porn your gf would like with her, watch it less on your own. That's what I expect of a man who claims to love, desire and think about only me - and that's what I expect for the time he is with me.

Porn should never be a need, not when you have a gf you are happy with, because it can end up ruining her happiness. Remember that.

Please do tell, tell me one expert that agrees that porn is healthy, in any quantity.

do you really think they are men that don't watch porn at all? guess again. just to make you feel better they don't even remember what they watched 5seconds after cumming

well i think if you have issues with your current relationship then you should speak with your current boyfriend. if i was him, i would get upset that you have spoken to everyone else BUT me about issues that you have with me. do you know what i mean?
if your current boyfriend is using porn to get off instead of having sex with you then it IS a problem and you should speak with him about it. some guys find it very hard to distiguish between what is right and wrong when it comes to porn and how much is healthy etc.
you need to let your partner know how you feel about your sex life and what you feel is appropriate and even i agree that what he is doing is not appropriate. its hard to sustain a relationship when trust is broken and even if you figure this out and he stops using porn, you will constantly be thinking if he is using it when you are not around.
personally i would end the relationship. it has only been a couple of years so you should get over it pretty quick and find a guy who has control over what he knows is right and wrong. i wouldnt want to be with someone who has an addictive personality because who knows how far this addiction could go.

Thank you for your help :) Over time I finally came to understand EXACTLY what you said about porn. I still do have a problem with it though and I'd like to talk to my ex but I don't want to hurt his feelings, seeing as I'd be talking to him about a relationship problem with the person I left him for, see what I mean? I like my ex a lot as a person and I have no romantic feelings or attachment to him, I'm very happy he found happiness with someone after I left him. Would it be wrong to out of nowhere go to him for help about the person I left him for?

Fair enough men don't have any feelings for porn, but I'm not comfortable with my bf looking at another girl to get off. It hurts. A LOT. I know there's more to it than that, it's not really about the girl etc. We've been together 2yrs, he's the only one who ever wants a break from sex, I'm positive he's chosen to get off in other ways when I'm home and happy to have sex. Am I too available? Why would he choose to sneak off to the bathroom in the middle of the night when he used to wake me up for sex? We have sex 0-4 times a week on average. Porn and him going on breaks from sex with me has over time made me feel deeply insecure and sexually needy. I don't get off over other guys and I can't. Men in porn don't do it for me. I need to be around and into a person. I just want to have sex with the person I love but I feel lucky when he wants to have sex with ME instead of whatever else he uses - on a screen or in his head. What are your thoughts? Thank you again.

Yes, I ask my ex for advice all the time and he has helped me through a lot with my current boyfriend. I still love my ex as my best friend =D I know its rare, but we will never stop being friends.

You shouldn't be talking to your ex still.