Is it normal to be so 'awkward' all these years?

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6 Comments

I've always been this quiet and introverted girl sitting in the corner, so I don't have any friends I'm close with.

I don't have much motivation to speak with people, reason being my voice is hardly audible (or too jibberish)so hearing a 'pardon?' everytime when I speak is frustrating, demotivating me from conversing further. I'm sure most of the people I've met think I'm an awkward person. The worst thing is that this has gone on for years! :(

Of course, with my soft voice and acne (I had acne previously, but now I don't)my self-esteem took a heavy blow. I made myself think that people didn't like me because I looked 'ugly'. Currently some of my self-esteem has come back because my acne has diminished, but I gained an irritional fear of people. (but i have no fear of people online, of course!)

Because of my fear, I gained a defense-mechanism, which is my emotionless-face. Some people have questioned whether I feel anything or not, some even asked me to smile, some called me an ice queen. I still feel emotions, but the fear I have to put up with everyday from facing people makes me want to take drugs or something to make me numb inside.

Most of the time I wonder how people can talk so happily, even if they are acquaintances. Conversation just flows so well for them, but for me conversation just drops dead right there.

I know people don't really like my presence, though they don't outright say it; I notice the mood just dampens when I'm around. Makes me feel like I'm just an 'extra' because I don't ever add to the coversation. Some(the class bitches) outright insult me by calling me 'emo' because I'm abnormally quiet. What they don't know is because of my voice, my fear will prevent me from speaking.

When someone actually hears me, it surprises me to no end, honestly. Recently I met a person who has pronounciation problems, but is still audible. I really was at a loss on how he seems confident with such a problem, and even when his class even teases him for it. I was very surprised. Really.

It really does seem my voice is controlled by screws. Always going loud in situations I don't want it to, always going soft when I want to be loud. Projection of voice is very difficult for me. It's like whenever I speak, it really feels like I'm taking a huge gamble.

I don't ever search for friends, because I know they'll eventually leave and prior to that I'll just be hurting them emotionally by being the way I am now. I have no idea how to become more 'energetic' and likable when I have been so 'lethargic' and indifferent all these years. The thought of suddenly being thrown into a actively social situation is deathly frightening to me, even now.

I think only a persistent person who's intent on being my friend will have success on breaking my tough shell, but will anyone like that come?

I think most of you will think my life and fear are not normal, and I agree with you all. If you have any comments, please post them. :)

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Comments ( 6 ) Sort: best | oldest
  • DefinitelyNotNormal89
    12 years ago | pl

    You seem like a lovely person who, as you say, needs breaking out of your shell and I genuinely hope something that allows this.
    You say sometimes your voice goes uncontrollably loud- so you know you can have a loud voice but the problem is not your voice- you have a mental block that does not allow you to be heard and unfortunately only you can change that.
    You have absolutely nothing physically wrong with you, you don't have a speech impediment, the only thing that is wrong with you is completely in your head.
    You also mention about friends leaving you so immediately you're entering any potential friendship with a negative head on your shoulders. A true friend NEVER leaves you, you just have to find the right friend.
    To me your confidence has destroyed you so much you just can't socialise. You're not comfortable enough with anyone to let them hear the voice you're hiding away.
    I think you need to be a little bit more positive in life, when you meet someone don't concentrate on what might happen if you become friends, just go with the flow. Some people are naturally quiet- you do not have to be energetic and loud and people will accept your quietness if you let them. With friends you eventually become comfortable enough to do anything with them and not get embarrassed (my poor friends have seen me without make-up on too many times!) once you get to that stage your voice will find it's way out, you just have to stop throwing up barriers and get to that stage first. Good luck =)

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  • rayst
    12 years ago | pl

    You look like you're waiting for a divine intervention. Self confidence ( because thats what you lack) doesnt build up by itself. You have to speak to ppl to be able to speak to ppl...try doing activities you genuinely like with nice ppl and focus on being social, you have to work hard if you say you're really quiet.

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  • lady1nr3dbo0ts
    12 years ago | pl

    Just force yourself to talk to people that you won't see again, like cashiers at the grocery store. That will start to build your confidence. Even if you make a few flubs, who cares right?

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  • wreckd
    12 years ago | pl

    :/ This is really sad. I feel for you. I've been in this predicament but it wasn't as bad. I just eventually got sick of being the way I was and acted happy all of the time. Being happy attracted friends and friends attracted real happiness. I wish you luck. :)

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  • [Old Memory]
    12 years ago | pl

    you might drama, singing or speech therapy, to bring you out of your shell

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  • megaan
    12 years ago | pl

    well I'm sorta like that too, when I'm at school and I'm around people I dot know or talk to I never say anything, so I usually don't make any new friends unless my existing ones introduce me.

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