Is it normal to be jealous of anorexic girls/ women ?

Ok, I'm really putting myself out there with this comment, and it might be a really bad idea, but I think this is important. I hope it helps you.

I have an eating disorder. I was bulimic for years. I didn't tell anybody then, but I wanted to be anorexic so badly. I knew it was wrong to want it. I knew anorexics weren't REALLY in control. But I couldn't break this awful, disordered, dangerous cycle that wasn't even making me thin, that nobody could even see. I would diet and restrict, and then I'd get too hungry. I ate and ate and ate, and then I purged. I felt so out of control when I binged, it was like watching someone else eat, looking out through her eyes. Purging was the only way I could deal with the binging. Sometimes I had periods where I did "better" (I thought of barely eating and not binging as doing well). Over the past couple years, I've managed to stop purging almost entirely. I slip up, sometimes, but I'm doing much better with that.

I'm not really better, though. I'm not anorexic either, really, at least not yet. In the past, I've had periods of time when I could eat normally. Over the past three weeks or so though, things have been bad. This is partially because of medication that suppresses my appetite, but my eating disorder makes it very difficult for me to resist and force myself to eat, especially when I'm losing weight rapidly (it's worth noting that it's common for anorexics to use medication to suppress their appetites). I suddenly have the control I always wanted, and it's awful. I've been eating steadily less every day. It feels good for a second, standing on the scale, but overall, I feel horrible. I'm terrified. Yesterday, I tried to drink some almond milk, and I threw up. I keep walking to the kitchen and coming back out without getting anything to eat. I'm physically weak. I don't know how to stop, and I don't know if I want to.

My hope is that my appetite will return, but I'm also scared of that. I'm so confused and frightened, and I'm not even in that deep. I wish I'd never started, but part of me doesn't want to stop until I'm thin. I'm afraid that by the time I'm thin enough to meet my standards, I'll be dying, if I even get to that point. Did I mention that severely restricting your calorie intake can kill you before you're thin? It's really hard on your heart.

I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty. I'm asking you to get help. You're important and valuable and worth taking care of. It sounds like you've got some disordered eating behaviours, and it's really important to address those, whether they're making you starve or binge. Wanting to be anorexic is a disordered mindset, and you should talk to somebody about it.

I'll probably delete this comment later. I don't want this to be floating around if somebody eventually figures out who I am in real life.