Is it normal to be in a relationship with your adoptive dad?

So this is a long story.
I was adopted at 8 but was with my adoptive family Since I was 6. My younger brother and I come from very serious physical and sexual abuse, the worst in my county,and were seperated because I was forced to do things to him. So I thought sex was love and normal at 3/4/5 years old. I Developed Reactive Attatchment Disorder, but was adopted by a couple(my family) and went through a ton of therapy. I was sexually abused and raped by my adoptive moms father (thinking it was normal) from 7-16, when I thought I was pregnant and the story got out. I denied it (lied) and moved on.
My adoptive parents split up. My adoptive dad and I began a sexual relationship the end of my junior year of school. It is emotional and physical now. I love him so much. I want to marry and bear children with him. He's in his fifties. He wasn't there toooooo much growing up so he's not "my dad". I am now 22.
Is it normal to love and have intimate relations with your adoptive father? It's consensual, unlike my life before.
Is it normal or is it wrong?

Help us keep this site organized and clean. Thanks!
[ Report Post ]
Comments ( 22 ) Sort: best | oldest
  • You're very vulnerable because of what's happened to you in the past and he's a predator who shouldn't be taking advantage of that. I strongly suggest you return to therapy ASAP

    Comment Hidden ( show )
  • I would think he knows your weakness and he could easily play in them. Now let's say you and him decide to have a child. He's in his 50's so a child may never even know him if he is healthy enough to live long enough. But that said, I really think you are loo!ing at it from a safe corner, (he was there when you needed a safe place) and he provided that. I can say that I myself am in my 50's. I cannot really see what I would of could have in common with a 22 yr old female. Except maybe sex. Love is love, sex is NOT love. I would hope you can sit back in your own and untangle the mess that your harsh upbringing has left in your emotional basket, so to speak.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
  • I grew up with abuse and honestly you need to still be in therapy given the choices you are making. It doesn't matter if he isn't a blood relative, it's not good.

    End of your junior year in high school is statutory rape.

    You need to learn to live for yourself. Get the hell out of there. You've been abused your entire life.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
  • No, it's not normal, and yes, it's still wrong.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
  • Dude I’m so sorry. No it’s not normal, but I can relate. I was adopted and raped too and I’m pretty screwed up too so don’t feel bad about it. It’s actually pretty common for adults to act this way to their children. Not okay, but it’s common.
    No he shouldn’t be in a sexual relationship with you.
    Do you still live with him? You’re vulnerable to him and he could still seriously hurt you. I know it may hurt to hear this, but you can’t continue with him. He may be nice now, but you really won’t be able to tell if he’s about to snap and if he snaps he could do serious damage to you. He’s just not safe. Run from him or hide.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
  • Of course it's not normal, you're vulnerable and this guy who you thought was safe is clearly a pervert preying on your vulnerability. Get as far away from him as possible!

    Comment Hidden ( show )
  • I say go for it, it's not considered normal but who cares! If you love him and he loves you I see no reason to not get married!

    Comment Hidden ( show )
  • While I agree that it's not normal, I think it's sweet that you love your dad that much, and he loves you too. I suspect your values and boundaries got pretty screwed up from all the abuse. And it sounds like you still have a lot of stuff to work on in therapy. But I wouldn't stop loving your dad, and if it makes both of you happy, continue to be in a romantic relationship with him. Perhaps couples therapy if you're serious about marriage and babies might be a good idea. And good luck!

    Comment Hidden ( show )
  • It's fine.
    But, the world has enough people.
    Enjoy the sex, stay on the pill.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
  • No. This is wrong on every kind of level. Stop it. Just stop everything.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
  • As long as his dills good WHO SAId thAT

    Comment Hidden ( show )
  • No, not only is it not normal, but your adoptive father is a sick pervert who has probably never been right in the head. Honestly, if your adoptive grandfather sexually abused you for that long, it's quite possible that he did it to your adoptive mother as well, which might be why she would end up marrying a child predator as well. It sounds like NONE of the people involved in your life should have ever had custody of you or any other children, EVER, and I personally feel that you should report everyone who ever did any of those things to you, including your adoptive father, otherwise they will probably just go on to hurt others. For example, if you have children with that pervert, he will probably go on to groom them and then sexually abuse them too and it will probably take a LONG TIME for you to realize your horrible mistakes of allowing that sick man to continue the abusive, manipulative behavior in your life. Knowing how you have been affected be these disgusting behaviors, I hope you can come to understand why you deserve SO MUCH BETTER than to be taken advantage of by anyone else in your life, ESPECIALLY a man who might not be your "father," per se, but who should have been there as a father figure to show you your value as a PERSON, not a sexual object. I think that you should not only seek therapy and talk openly and honestly to your therapist about EVERYTHING you have experienced in your life, but perhaps also find a group of people who have had similar experiences so you can come to understand what is normal or not for someone to think, feel, want, and need after going through such trauma throughout your whole life. However, you may have to come to terms with the fact that what you want and what you really NEED in order to heal properly and be your own person, making healthy decisions - rather than being controlled and manipulated - are probably going to be completely different things. Im sure what you want is to continue in this relationship with this man, but what you really NEED is to leave that situation forever and find somewhere that you can be around impartial people who would never hurt you or use your past abuse to convince you to do or be anything that is not good for YOU. I understand having unhealthy crushes or feelings for older men, including men who are in unconventional or immoral positions in your life for you to feel that way about them, especially since you've endured so much pain, confusion, fear, and forcefulness in your past. I can also understand how you feel that this being YOUR choice, and it being consensual for once, seems like your best or only option currently, but what you aren't seeing is how much calculation and predatory behavior lies behind your adoptive father's actions. You may think that he simply loves you and that it's natural for that love to lead to sexual behavior, but I think you'll come to realize - once you begin to truly heal from what you've been through - that there are different kinds of love. Fatherly, or any kind of familial love should NEVER cross the boundaries into any kind of sexual behavior WHAT-SO-EVER, otherwise it is considered abuse. It doesn't matter how much he was around - he adopted you to be his child and chose to bring you into his life under that guise. Even if he had been just an older family friend who wasn't ever meant to be related to you, no older person should watch a child grow up, ESPECIALLY knowing they were abused or neglected by just about everyone they ever trusted, and decide to enter into a "romantic" or sexual relationship with them, EVER. It is sick, predatory, grooming behavior and I'm sure there are probably many factors here that you are unaware of. I sincerely hope you find real help from people who actually care about you instead of using your pain and suffering for their own, disgusting benefit and I hope you get away from that adoptive family forever and never look back. I know this is supposed to be anonymous, but I find this story very troubling and I would like to know if there's a way for us to actually talk about this on another kind of forum, because I genuinely wish to help you see the error of your adoptive father's ways and get far, far away from all of this selfishness and evil. I'm only 2 years older than you, and I PROMISE you, life can and will get better for you if you take my advice and don't ever talk to that man or any of that family again, especially anyone who is supportive of your current relationship with him. He does NOT have your best interests in mind, nor does he seem to care about what you've been through. Quite frankly, I think he needs help too, because what he is doing and has done is not only abnormal - it's completely WRONG.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    • -
    • Fuck take a breath. There was a lot of good stuff there. Too bad it was ruined by run on sentences and zero paragraphs.

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      • -
      • Well, I have a lot to say on the subject, and it's hard to do so on such a forum without at least some grammatical errors. I was worried I might lose the post if I started to make too many adjustments. However, my grammar is usually pretty good, so I doubt my form is the worst on this site by any means. Also, who needs paragraphs when you aren't writing a story? All I know is that, if I needed this advice, I wouldn't be paying attention to such small details. Lastly, I just happened to stumble on this site and see this post, which is the only reason I made an account - so I could leave that one comment. I then realized that this is definitely not the best way to reach out and try to help others, since I've read several comments indicating that people like to make fake posts about sick things like this, on this site in particular. People who do things like that for fun need a different kind of help, unfortunately. I will probably never post on here or even visit this site again, but I do hope that perhaps my post will help at least one person going through something similar at some point. Even if it doesn't, the same thoughts, and the abundance of love for others that caused me to want to reach out in the first place, will remain within me. Have a good life.

        Comment Hidden ( show )
  • I agree with the previous posters. You are being used and probably have PTSD from previous sexual abuse. Get out of that relationship now and into counciLing. Meet someone your own age group and not associated with any former lives.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
  • Age shouldnt matter, but in theory he should be in prison for rape ffs

    Comment Hidden ( show )
  • This is a hard subject to comment on because you were raised to be a sexual tool. Being raised like that can't just go away with therapy, you have to really try hard to break that cycle, otherwise you're always going to find yourself in this situation.

    However, do what you think is right. Hopefully, you're in college or something, and not taking care of a bunch of children. If you can, use birth control (condoms, IUD, etc), because I don't see you breaking this cycle until you're well into your 50's where male attention isn't as high and distracting, which can give you time to think and reexamine life.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    • -
    • I agree it is hard to overcome. I am currently trying to do the same via therapy. Some days are much better than others, but trying is way better than doing nothing.

      Comment Hidden ( show )
  • Yes normal, sadly, but IT IS WRONG, there are many factors of predatory grooming involved too, he knows you trust him, has worked on playing to your vulnerabilities and his dominance in this relationship and is using your instability. In a way, he's just as bad as the others, and is simply playing on your obedience and trust that is not love,expecting nothing happiness in return, not sex, situations like that involve power, and abuse of authority, and grooming someone to be dependent on you, not real love, real love is valuing someone as an equal, I hope you find stability and love, know you deserve the best.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
  • Really! again an incest troll.
    Even if it's true I feel bad for you but no it's not normal.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
Add A Comment