Is it normal to be bored enough to harm others?
I can't control myself. When I think of killing someone I get really excited. Not even sexually, just like how a child would get excited to go to the zoo. I'm not like this all the time. It's usually when I get bored with life which happens maybe once every other month and lasts anywhere from a day to a week. Being bored like that makes me feel like I'm literally dying. Rotting away. And it won't stop unless I take it out somehow.
I pick the people I can show this side to very carefully, if I don't have anyone I'm comfortable with around I project this onto myself and self harm. This is why I've never gotten in trouble despite actually cutting people in dangerous places like wrist and neck. (Except for one time when I lost it with my brother and my dad said he would call the police.)
For as long as I can remember people have had a certain level of fear towards me. I was stronger than most other girls in my class and even though it made me feel isolated and alone I couldn't stop. It was harder to hide it back then so people knew.
I can see myself and I can see that I'm hurting others. I want to stop but it's like I can't get through to myself.
Now, is this normal? And if not what do I do to stop it?