That's not my fear. I want something that lasts forever.
Not liking someone after some time can only happen either if you didn't know them well enough when you liked them OR if one or both of you change. But if we did everything together anyway, I don't see how they could have a chance to change in a way that I would dislike. And also, if someone changes once, they can probably change back. You should just never be quick to give up but always be ready to work hard on your relationship.
You can never know everything about a person, and people are always capable of change. In fact, people always WILL change. You will change every day, and so will your partner. There's no reason to assume you will both change in the same way just because you're spending so much time together, nor can you just assume they can or will change back.
Is something that lasts forever more important than your and their happiness? Because there's no guarantee you'll both be happy just because they're so dependent on you they can't leave...and even if you do continue to like them, if they don't like you anymore but are stuck because they depend on you, is that really a situation you want? I think, deep down, the answer to that has to be no.
I'm truly sorry that you have such a fear of abandonment...that's awful. But the solution is to deal with that fear, not find somebody who can't abandon you.
When I get really attached to someone, then every day I'm visited by anxieties, that the person might leave, that they favor others over me (e.g., their parents), that they don't really love me, that they're not as committed as I am, etc. These anxieties cause a lot of problems. They may hurt the relationship and my loved ones, cause 90% of the arguments. They incapacitate me in other areas of life as well (e.g., finding it hard to focus on work, neglecting other relationships, losing appetite, staying up till the morning because you're afraid of not knowing what the person is doing while you're asleep).
If I was free from these anxieties, I could work to let the relationship reach its full potential. I do think that knowing that the person wouldn't leave (either because they didn't want to or because they COULDN'T) would calm me somewhat.
I wish I had the permanence. It's not fair that people think that if you disown your son, then it's just a formality and really he's still your son, but if you divorce your spouse, then yeah, they're not your spouse anymore.
All of that being said, I'm inclined to concede that I agree with you. Thanks.
(P.S. Honestly, I don't understand the "change" thing. Good people don't become bad unless they're wronged. Some things just don't change; there's a core that makes you you. There's a lot of change I can tolerate. If you take two things of a kind that are already similar and you put them under the same conditions, in the same environment, then naturally any changes they might undergo would be similar, especially when the subjects have good communication, to notice and regulate changes.)
There's no guarantee in life for ANYTHING. All that's within your power is to try to increase the likelihood of certain things, while trying to decrease the risk of some other things.
Ugh, yeah, it sounds messed up, but what can I say? I don't think there's anything inherently immoral in it.
IIN the thought of marrying a disabled person appeals to me because...
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That's not my fear. I want something that lasts forever.
Not liking someone after some time can only happen either if you didn't know them well enough when you liked them OR if one or both of you change. But if we did everything together anyway, I don't see how they could have a chance to change in a way that I would dislike. And also, if someone changes once, they can probably change back. You should just never be quick to give up but always be ready to work hard on your relationship.
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factcheck
6 years ago
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Ellenna
6 years ago
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You can never know everything about a person, and people are always capable of change. In fact, people always WILL change. You will change every day, and so will your partner. There's no reason to assume you will both change in the same way just because you're spending so much time together, nor can you just assume they can or will change back.
Is something that lasts forever more important than your and their happiness? Because there's no guarantee you'll both be happy just because they're so dependent on you they can't leave...and even if you do continue to like them, if they don't like you anymore but are stuck because they depend on you, is that really a situation you want? I think, deep down, the answer to that has to be no.
I'm truly sorry that you have such a fear of abandonment...that's awful. But the solution is to deal with that fear, not find somebody who can't abandon you.
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azizedelash
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When I get really attached to someone, then every day I'm visited by anxieties, that the person might leave, that they favor others over me (e.g., their parents), that they don't really love me, that they're not as committed as I am, etc. These anxieties cause a lot of problems. They may hurt the relationship and my loved ones, cause 90% of the arguments. They incapacitate me in other areas of life as well (e.g., finding it hard to focus on work, neglecting other relationships, losing appetite, staying up till the morning because you're afraid of not knowing what the person is doing while you're asleep).
If I was free from these anxieties, I could work to let the relationship reach its full potential. I do think that knowing that the person wouldn't leave (either because they didn't want to or because they COULDN'T) would calm me somewhat.
I wish I had the permanence. It's not fair that people think that if you disown your son, then it's just a formality and really he's still your son, but if you divorce your spouse, then yeah, they're not your spouse anymore.
All of that being said, I'm inclined to concede that I agree with you. Thanks.
(P.S. Honestly, I don't understand the "change" thing. Good people don't become bad unless they're wronged. Some things just don't change; there's a core that makes you you. There's a lot of change I can tolerate. If you take two things of a kind that are already similar and you put them under the same conditions, in the same environment, then naturally any changes they might undergo would be similar, especially when the subjects have good communication, to notice and regulate changes.)
There's no guarantee any relationship will last for ever and your motives for wanting to be with a disabled person are very creepy
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azizedelash
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There's no guarantee in life for ANYTHING. All that's within your power is to try to increase the likelihood of certain things, while trying to decrease the risk of some other things.
Ugh, yeah, it sounds messed up, but what can I say? I don't think there's anything inherently immoral in it.