Given the situation you outline, I agree with your friend. It's up to you to decide whether your lack of trust matters. Some people might decide that the positive aspects of the relationship (and I assume you must be getting something out of it) are more important than their questions about who the person they're involved with truly is, and what she gets up to when they're not around.
Have to say that your last line comes across as you saying that you've only put up with her shenanigans for as long as you have because you feel sorry for her. I don't think that's a positive foundation for a relationship.
Her perspective may be different, but the general impression I get from what you say is that she's using you. So far, you've been content to be used, but now you're getting fed up with it. You obviously have the right to invest your time, emotional energy, and money however you see fit, You also have the right to change your mind. Continuing to invest in her when you believe she's lying, concealing facts that you'd be unhappy to know, and taking advantage of you will do nothing positive for your self-respect in the long-run.
If you want to continue seeing her, it wouldn't be unreasonable for you to lay down some conditions. If she's not willing to go along with what you need in order to feel comfortable with the relationship, then it's time for you to move on.
I wouldn't say feel sorry for her. At times, like the many we've been at the hospital (which average 8-9 hours, whether she's admitted or not), I probably do, but in general, I know her situation and work with it. I do care about her a ton, and am invested in her after this many years, but yes, do feel used, especially when I go get her things and drop them off without seeing her.
I get something out of the relationship. When we're together and it's good, we do great and people have commented what a great couple we are. I get asked about her often, b/c people know we're together. It's nice to have a partner, a companion. Granted, I can get the same with someone else, and have when I wasn't with her, but I do like her. We have a chemistry, and have from our first date.
As for setting ground rules..Tried it before, and, while good for a short time, typically fails.
So she doesn't respect you enough to listen to what you need out of the relationship and alter her behaviour accordingly.
And you've said what you need in the past, but when she disregards that, you've let it slide.
It's always difficult to know what's going on in a relationship from the outside, and even more so when the information is as limited as what you can get on a forum like this. However, it does sound to me like there's an unhealthy power dynamic going on in yours. Frankly, it also sounds like you might have problems with low self-esteem, inertia, or both.
A thought experiment for you to carry out: imagine you remain with this woman because you've invested so much in her in various ways and things continue as they are now until you're 65 years old. Do you think you'll look back on your life as having been positive and healthy in terms of relationships?
No relationship is perfect since no two people are perfect. Relationships always involve compromises, and it's rare for both people to feel that the giving and taking is perfectly balanced in every aspect of the relationship, but it sounds like there's a lot of giving on your part, and not much on hers. If you're fundamentally a masochist, that might suit you, but most people with a healthy amount of self-respect would get fed up with that and move on.
No one has a perfect relationship, and anyone who says they do is lying like a cheap rug. As for the power thing? To be honest, I have it, given her health issues and inability to really do much out and about with me, leaving me on my own to hang with friends, meet people (including other women), etc. She knows that. We went to a casino one night, b/c she wanted to get out for awhile, and saw two hot blondes at the casino bar. She made a comment about them, until I said "I know the one on the left. That's my friend, Heather".
I did get a wave from Heather, but, didn't go over to see her, even though I should have. Why? Respect for the woman I was there with. She knew it, too, and, while saying I could have, was happy that I didn't. Why show her up by leaving her to go hug and talk to a gorgeous, fit blonde, which Heather absolutely is.
My self-esteem is fine, even sometimes maybe a bit much. Not saying I'm joe wonderful, but do know, if tried, can get another woman. When we weren't together, I did fine in that respect.
We can, and, most times, are, very good together. When it's just us..Maybe, say, a nigthcap after an evening out, or, just at my house, it's great. Us time. Few weeks ago, when I mentioned the guy I knew rubbing her shoulders until I told him "Can we?" as in, stop, and he did, we went for a nice, quiet nightcap drink afterwards, and it was the best part of the night. Us time, just she and I, talking, hands on each other..Just nice.
IIN that..Woman I've been dating for years won't add me on sm?
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Given the situation you outline, I agree with your friend. It's up to you to decide whether your lack of trust matters. Some people might decide that the positive aspects of the relationship (and I assume you must be getting something out of it) are more important than their questions about who the person they're involved with truly is, and what she gets up to when they're not around.
Have to say that your last line comes across as you saying that you've only put up with her shenanigans for as long as you have because you feel sorry for her. I don't think that's a positive foundation for a relationship.
Her perspective may be different, but the general impression I get from what you say is that she's using you. So far, you've been content to be used, but now you're getting fed up with it. You obviously have the right to invest your time, emotional energy, and money however you see fit, You also have the right to change your mind. Continuing to invest in her when you believe she's lying, concealing facts that you'd be unhappy to know, and taking advantage of you will do nothing positive for your self-respect in the long-run.
If you want to continue seeing her, it wouldn't be unreasonable for you to lay down some conditions. If she's not willing to go along with what you need in order to feel comfortable with the relationship, then it's time for you to move on.
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Mehereok1
4 years ago
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I wouldn't say feel sorry for her. At times, like the many we've been at the hospital (which average 8-9 hours, whether she's admitted or not), I probably do, but in general, I know her situation and work with it. I do care about her a ton, and am invested in her after this many years, but yes, do feel used, especially when I go get her things and drop them off without seeing her.
I get something out of the relationship. When we're together and it's good, we do great and people have commented what a great couple we are. I get asked about her often, b/c people know we're together. It's nice to have a partner, a companion. Granted, I can get the same with someone else, and have when I wasn't with her, but I do like her. We have a chemistry, and have from our first date.
As for setting ground rules..Tried it before, and, while good for a short time, typically fails.
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Boojum
4 years ago
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So she doesn't respect you enough to listen to what you need out of the relationship and alter her behaviour accordingly.
And you've said what you need in the past, but when she disregards that, you've let it slide.
It's always difficult to know what's going on in a relationship from the outside, and even more so when the information is as limited as what you can get on a forum like this. However, it does sound to me like there's an unhealthy power dynamic going on in yours. Frankly, it also sounds like you might have problems with low self-esteem, inertia, or both.
A thought experiment for you to carry out: imagine you remain with this woman because you've invested so much in her in various ways and things continue as they are now until you're 65 years old. Do you think you'll look back on your life as having been positive and healthy in terms of relationships?
No relationship is perfect since no two people are perfect. Relationships always involve compromises, and it's rare for both people to feel that the giving and taking is perfectly balanced in every aspect of the relationship, but it sounds like there's a lot of giving on your part, and not much on hers. If you're fundamentally a masochist, that might suit you, but most people with a healthy amount of self-respect would get fed up with that and move on.
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Mehereok1
4 years ago
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No one has a perfect relationship, and anyone who says they do is lying like a cheap rug. As for the power thing? To be honest, I have it, given her health issues and inability to really do much out and about with me, leaving me on my own to hang with friends, meet people (including other women), etc. She knows that. We went to a casino one night, b/c she wanted to get out for awhile, and saw two hot blondes at the casino bar. She made a comment about them, until I said "I know the one on the left. That's my friend, Heather".
I did get a wave from Heather, but, didn't go over to see her, even though I should have. Why? Respect for the woman I was there with. She knew it, too, and, while saying I could have, was happy that I didn't. Why show her up by leaving her to go hug and talk to a gorgeous, fit blonde, which Heather absolutely is.
My self-esteem is fine, even sometimes maybe a bit much. Not saying I'm joe wonderful, but do know, if tried, can get another woman. When we weren't together, I did fine in that respect.
We can, and, most times, are, very good together. When it's just us..Maybe, say, a nigthcap after an evening out, or, just at my house, it's great. Us time. Few weeks ago, when I mentioned the guy I knew rubbing her shoulders until I told him "Can we?" as in, stop, and he did, we went for a nice, quiet nightcap drink afterwards, and it was the best part of the night. Us time, just she and I, talking, hands on each other..Just nice.