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It was 2003 when my grandmother (who was also my first real friend) passed away, and I never felt like I'm a human being since then. I think I should have died with her. Is it normal that even after so many years, I still feel like an almost emotionless living corpse?
You said your grandmother was your first real friend, so she was your grandma and a true friend and probably more. It's not a surprise that you're still in pain; you've lost so much in one person. Maybe you can find a way to honor your grandmother, doing things that she would do or charity in her name. Are there other family members or friends of hers you feel comfortable sharing memories of her with? Do you think it would help to write to her so you can at least get some of the numbness thawed a bit? I know some of these ideas might seem silly but I am very close to my grandmother too and it pulls at my heart to hear your story :(