Exactly. It's not necessary to hit or always yell. I have also done that: raised my voice to avert a crisis. And it's that much more effective in that crucial moment precisely because I generally don't raise my voice.
I've also lost my patience and snapped at kids before. Any human will eventually. And that's an opportunity to teach them about emotions and sincere apologies.
From what I know of you, you sound like a great mum. And that's not an easy task. I'm always in awe of good parents. You don't get paid and you don't get a break. I couldn't do that haha.
I agree that shouting has a much bigger impact when it's so rare. When I shouted at my daughter she flinched, and then stood still like a statue for enough time for me to run over to her and get the superglue out of her hand. I felt bad because it obviously frightened her, and she sobbed hysterically about it, but at least I stopped her from doing something dangerous. If I shouted at her all the time she probably would have ignored me and proceeded to eat the superglue.
And I'm glad to hear that you apologise to the kids when you've snapped at them. A lot of adults have this weird idea that you should never apologise to a child. I don't get it. If an apology is actually warranted then it sets a great example to your kids if you say sorry to them. They model the behaviour of their caregivers.
It's very kind of you to say that I'm a great mum. It doesn't always seem that way to me. My own mum was a violent bully. I think she does actually love me, deep down, but it's hard to see it most of the time. She was badly abused as a child and I think it was just a classic case of the abuse cycle. I'm determined to be a loving mum that my kids aren't afraid of, but it is difficult when you don't have a good example to follow from. So I think I'm sometimes not strict enough with my kids because I'm needlessly worried about them feeling scared of me or unloved by me. But hey, I'm doing my best and that's all any of us can do.
Yeah...it always feels bad to upset them...but upset definitely is a step up from swallowing superglue...
My grandmother thinks I'm insane for apologising to them for anything, but especially if I snap. Um. No. I'm an adult, they're a child. I have the bigger responsibility to remain in control than they do. I'll explain to them why I did what I did, but also make it clear it doesn't excuse my behaviour. If I expect it from them (to an age appropriate degree) then I sure as fuck need to do it, too.
I'm sorry to hear about your mum :( I feel like being willing to make that effort to be better honestly makes more of a difference than we can realise. I was partly raised by my grandmother and she was raised by an awful, emotionally abusive mother and carried her own scars from that...plus the generational expectations...I feel like each generation improves upon the last in our family, apart from the ones that don't care to try.
It is a hard balance...but honestly, "strictness" is not as important as loving boundaries.
You sound like your best is working really well. You should be proud of yourself.
IIN That parents don't want to punish their children for bad behavior?
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Exactly. It's not necessary to hit or always yell. I have also done that: raised my voice to avert a crisis. And it's that much more effective in that crucial moment precisely because I generally don't raise my voice.
I've also lost my patience and snapped at kids before. Any human will eventually. And that's an opportunity to teach them about emotions and sincere apologies.
From what I know of you, you sound like a great mum. And that's not an easy task. I'm always in awe of good parents. You don't get paid and you don't get a break. I couldn't do that haha.
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SwickDinging
2 years ago
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I agree that shouting has a much bigger impact when it's so rare. When I shouted at my daughter she flinched, and then stood still like a statue for enough time for me to run over to her and get the superglue out of her hand. I felt bad because it obviously frightened her, and she sobbed hysterically about it, but at least I stopped her from doing something dangerous. If I shouted at her all the time she probably would have ignored me and proceeded to eat the superglue.
And I'm glad to hear that you apologise to the kids when you've snapped at them. A lot of adults have this weird idea that you should never apologise to a child. I don't get it. If an apology is actually warranted then it sets a great example to your kids if you say sorry to them. They model the behaviour of their caregivers.
It's very kind of you to say that I'm a great mum. It doesn't always seem that way to me. My own mum was a violent bully. I think she does actually love me, deep down, but it's hard to see it most of the time. She was badly abused as a child and I think it was just a classic case of the abuse cycle. I'm determined to be a loving mum that my kids aren't afraid of, but it is difficult when you don't have a good example to follow from. So I think I'm sometimes not strict enough with my kids because I'm needlessly worried about them feeling scared of me or unloved by me. But hey, I'm doing my best and that's all any of us can do.
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charli.m
2 years ago
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Yeah...it always feels bad to upset them...but upset definitely is a step up from swallowing superglue...
My grandmother thinks I'm insane for apologising to them for anything, but especially if I snap. Um. No. I'm an adult, they're a child. I have the bigger responsibility to remain in control than they do. I'll explain to them why I did what I did, but also make it clear it doesn't excuse my behaviour. If I expect it from them (to an age appropriate degree) then I sure as fuck need to do it, too.
I'm sorry to hear about your mum :( I feel like being willing to make that effort to be better honestly makes more of a difference than we can realise. I was partly raised by my grandmother and she was raised by an awful, emotionally abusive mother and carried her own scars from that...plus the generational expectations...I feel like each generation improves upon the last in our family, apart from the ones that don't care to try.
It is a hard balance...but honestly, "strictness" is not as important as loving boundaries.
You sound like your best is working really well. You should be proud of yourself.