If you didn't inform her of a problem on your end, and apparently she thought things were fine, then it can't possibly be her fault. The only way this could be her fault to any degree is if you expressed your dissatisfaction, gave her a chance (and you also tried to rectify anything you were lacking in), and she refused you a divorce after you both laid it all out.
IIN that my wife doesn't understand that it's HER fault I cheated?
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If you didn't inform her of a problem on your end, and apparently she thought things were fine, then it can't possibly be her fault. The only way this could be her fault to any degree is if you expressed your dissatisfaction, gave her a chance (and you also tried to rectify anything you were lacking in), and she refused you a divorce after you both laid it all out.