You really need to educate yourself on the dynamic of domestic abuse then come back here. Until then your "tough love" approach is causing more harm than good, to the child too. You're not just hurting feelings, you are adding to the problem. Talking like that is the worst possible approach where domestic violence is concerned.
This. But I can also understand where KholatKhal is coming from. As someone with personal experience of domestic abuse, s/he is obviously expressing what s/he feels was needed in his/her specific situation, and I can see how that may seem the case from the perspective of a child who lived through it. But realistically, it does not help.
I too grew up in an abusive household. Because of that I looked for abusive relationships. It didn't matter how many people told me I was stupid for staying, in fact it made things worse. I had three kids that were involved too. It's never an easy thing to deal with.
I also worked a job that put me in close contact with domestic violence victims. I have had hours upon hours upon hours of doestic violence training and that particular response is the very worst response there is, period. I understand where the response is coming from, I do, but it is still the worst response there is.
I agree. I linked a great TED talk from a highly educated abuse survivor, but sadly, KK didn't want to know about it. It seems so obvious to me that further degrading self esteem that is at rock bottom only aids the perpetrator. It's just as bad as telling a depressed person to just smile.
I'm glad you're out of that situation. I can only imagine how much more difficult it would have been trying to leave with kids.
I've always assumed you're male. I can't recall if you've ever specified your gender, but I know that for males, being the victim in an abusive relationship has that extra dimension of people heaping even more shit on top of you.
I'm rambling now. I'll shut up. It's just increasingly rare to have someone intelligent, discussing anything of importance on this site, so I latch on to it.
You're fine, I'm the same way. I am a male, and yes, the pressure was even higher. I had all of the domestic violence training on top of that. It's such a difficult thing to battle. I'm hesitant to say, even tougher for a male. Try being a father taking kids away from a mother in any situation.
What people don't realize is that the verbal abuse is actually worse than the physical abuse. Nearly every situation goes hand in hand, but the abuser usually has the most control being verbally abusive. They break down the self esteem, make the victim believe it's their fault because they are stupid, ugly, whoreish, whatever words they use. The psychological affects are deviststing.
Now I'm rambling, I'm sorry. This is just a subject I'm very passionate about because I lived through it for many, many years. I watched my mother and brother get beat on a regular basis. I was never beat until until my first marriage, but growing up I could do nothing right, etc., all of the regular stuff. Still rambling, sorry.
Yes. But. Victims have trauma to deal with that can prevent them from doing what seems obvious to anyome else.
That is one point explained in the video. Another is that leaving from a situation that has escalted to violence is often the most dangerous to the victim. Because that is when the perpetrator steps up to their last way to exert control over their victim, and that's to kill them. I can't remember the stats, but many/most women who are killed by their partners are ones who have left the abusive relationship.
Is it normal that my husband calls me stupid everyday
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I'm sorry for that. No one should have to experience that.
But victim blaming is still not the answer.
Would you blame a rape victim for not doing enough to protect themselves?
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I'd blame someone for letting a rapist get away.
I'd never blame someone for getting raped. But it's now their responsibility to protect others from this person.
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You really need to educate yourself on the dynamic of domestic abuse then come back here. Until then your "tough love" approach is causing more harm than good, to the child too. You're not just hurting feelings, you are adding to the problem. Talking like that is the worst possible approach where domestic violence is concerned.
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charli.m
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This. But I can also understand where KholatKhal is coming from. As someone with personal experience of domestic abuse, s/he is obviously expressing what s/he feels was needed in his/her specific situation, and I can see how that may seem the case from the perspective of a child who lived through it. But realistically, it does not help.
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justbecause11
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I too grew up in an abusive household. Because of that I looked for abusive relationships. It didn't matter how many people told me I was stupid for staying, in fact it made things worse. I had three kids that were involved too. It's never an easy thing to deal with.
I also worked a job that put me in close contact with domestic violence victims. I have had hours upon hours upon hours of doestic violence training and that particular response is the very worst response there is, period. I understand where the response is coming from, I do, but it is still the worst response there is.
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charli.m
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I agree. I linked a great TED talk from a highly educated abuse survivor, but sadly, KK didn't want to know about it. It seems so obvious to me that further degrading self esteem that is at rock bottom only aids the perpetrator. It's just as bad as telling a depressed person to just smile.
I'm glad you're out of that situation. I can only imagine how much more difficult it would have been trying to leave with kids.
I've always assumed you're male. I can't recall if you've ever specified your gender, but I know that for males, being the victim in an abusive relationship has that extra dimension of people heaping even more shit on top of you.
I'm rambling now. I'll shut up. It's just increasingly rare to have someone intelligent, discussing anything of importance on this site, so I latch on to it.
--
justbecause11
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You're fine, I'm the same way. I am a male, and yes, the pressure was even higher. I had all of the domestic violence training on top of that. It's such a difficult thing to battle. I'm hesitant to say, even tougher for a male. Try being a father taking kids away from a mother in any situation.
What people don't realize is that the verbal abuse is actually worse than the physical abuse. Nearly every situation goes hand in hand, but the abuser usually has the most control being verbally abusive. They break down the self esteem, make the victim believe it's their fault because they are stupid, ugly, whoreish, whatever words they use. The psychological affects are deviststing.
Now I'm rambling, I'm sorry. This is just a subject I'm very passionate about because I lived through it for many, many years. I watched my mother and brother get beat on a regular basis. I was never beat until until my first marriage, but growing up I could do nothing right, etc., all of the regular stuff. Still rambling, sorry.
Yes. But. Victims have trauma to deal with that can prevent them from doing what seems obvious to anyome else.
That is one point explained in the video. Another is that leaving from a situation that has escalted to violence is often the most dangerous to the victim. Because that is when the perpetrator steps up to their last way to exert control over their victim, and that's to kill them. I can't remember the stats, but many/most women who are killed by their partners are ones who have left the abusive relationship.