You're not feeling these feelings for no reason. It seems almost definite to me that you have been sexually abused in the past and that his continual inappropriate references to your body are triggering these feelings.
"Anger problems" which result in an adult male spanking his little girls when they're naked = abuse and probably sexual abuse.
Please also be aware that it's quite common for sexually abused children to love the abusing parent and one of the most damaging longterm effects is this conjuntion of abuse and love.
Can you talk to your Mum? Difficult I know. Or a school counsellor?
Please, please get some professional help with this or believe me, it can totally fuck up the rest of your life and your future relationships. Are there women's centres with support for sexual abuse and rape? In Australia they're usually called Centres Against Sexual Assault, but I don't know where you are - US?
Please take care of yourself and let us know how you get on.
I don't know if I can talk to my mother about it. It would destroy their marriage. They both had problems when I was a kid and they were both quite abusive to me. (My mom is Borderline & bi-polar, so she has some problems too). They nearly got divorced when I was young and they are just now starting to love each other--and me--again. What if I'm wrong? I would destroy my relationship with my dad and he would never talk to me again. And my mom wouldn't either. My sister would tell me I'm crazy and trying to start drama. I wouldn't have a family anymore.
I feel a lot of guilt and shame and self-hatred because of abuse in my past but I never thought it was sexual. My mom told me she always suspected I was sexual abused somewhere but I've written it off as paranoia because she was sexually abused herself as a child.
Do you really think I might've been sexually abused? I can't bear to think my dad could've done something like that to me. I'm in the U.S. but I live with my parents to save money in college. They're better now. To each other and to me. But I don't want to believe my dad could've done this.....
Thank you for your reply and concern. This is putting my life in a different light now.
Don't let people put ideas in your head. People can be made to think they committed a crime just through the power of suggestion. It's a phenomenon that police have often exploited to frame suspects during interrogations.
If you can't remember being abused then you probably weren't. The world isn't full of monsters lurking around every corner. Your father could be attracted to you. It happens and he didn't ask to have those feelings if he does. Gently let him know that you're uncomfortable with his commenting on your body. He might get mad but he'll get over it. He needs to know that he can't act on any feelings that he might have, and that they are UNWELCOME. If he has any good in him and values the father daughter relationship you two have, then on some level he'll appreciate it and be relieved. If not, then you'll have to think about withdrawing from the relationship.
Agreed, once again Ellenna is attempting to spread her misguided liberal opinions to the poor girl, she doesn't realize that by introducing such sick thoughts to the normal situation of a father complementing his daughter will likely ruin the relationship between the both of them. If nothing inappropriate happened there is nothing to worry about. The fact that everyone is trying to over-diagnose situations is very alarming, most fathers compliment their daughters looks and yes that includes, if it makes you uncomfortable you could always lightly tell him to stop
for example
Dad: Your looking good in that dress Isabella
You:Dad! Stop!(in a joking tone)"
Dad: Laughs and continues on with his day
Its pretty simple, although if he does start making physical advances on you that is totally inappropriate and you have every right to no longer to to him.
OK, it doesn't sound at all appropriate to bring this up in your family at this stage, but I do strongly recommend you get some professional help: whatever has happened and who, if anyone, sexually abused you your feelings are throwing you into turmoil and that won't just go away by itself.
I have no idea what resources are available in the US for this sort of situation, but someone on here will know if you give your state.
Honey, it mightn't have been your dad, but you do need to find out and the answer is within you. The fear of destroying the family is what stops a lot of abused people from speaking out about it and I'm sure it's possible for you to get support somewhere to work out what is best for you to do.
"It seems almost definite to me that you have been sexually abused in the past..."
What the heck? She explicitly said in her post that she could NEVER remember being touched inappropriately by her father. Your assertion seems pretty paranoid and baseless.
It seems to me that her father might be on some level sexually attracted to her but that he doesn't want to hurt their father, daughter relationship. He can't help the feelings he has. He probably struggles with them and he certainly didn't ask to have them. He just can't act on them. She should gently let him know that it makes her feel uncomfortable when he makes comments about her body. He might get mad but if he loves her he'll get over it. There's a lot of long term value in parental relationships, certainly financially if nothing else, and that should be considered.
It's not a baseless assertion and I'm not paranoid: re-read her paragraphs which being "I've been plagued" and "I had a dream" respectively.
You're very ignorant if you don't know that many people who are sexually abused in childhood don't remember it until some other incident triggers off uncomfortable feelings later in life.
There have been cases of weird shrinks & others instilling "false memories" of sexual abuse but I've never heard of a case where someone mistakenly remembered such incidents without prompting.
He IS in fact acting on his feelings with his comments: if he had any sesnsitivity he would realise it's making her uncomfortable and would stop doing it, he's on a power trip.
I also comment that it's not uncommon for abusers and abusers to also love each other, that doesn't mean it isn't abuse
IIN that my dad makes comments about my body & makes me uncomfortable?
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You're not feeling these feelings for no reason. It seems almost definite to me that you have been sexually abused in the past and that his continual inappropriate references to your body are triggering these feelings.
"Anger problems" which result in an adult male spanking his little girls when they're naked = abuse and probably sexual abuse.
Please also be aware that it's quite common for sexually abused children to love the abusing parent and one of the most damaging longterm effects is this conjuntion of abuse and love.
Can you talk to your Mum? Difficult I know. Or a school counsellor?
Please, please get some professional help with this or believe me, it can totally fuck up the rest of your life and your future relationships. Are there women's centres with support for sexual abuse and rape? In Australia they're usually called Centres Against Sexual Assault, but I don't know where you are - US?
Please take care of yourself and let us know how you get on.
--
justpasssingthrough
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John4555t
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I don't know if I can talk to my mother about it. It would destroy their marriage. They both had problems when I was a kid and they were both quite abusive to me. (My mom is Borderline & bi-polar, so she has some problems too). They nearly got divorced when I was young and they are just now starting to love each other--and me--again. What if I'm wrong? I would destroy my relationship with my dad and he would never talk to me again. And my mom wouldn't either. My sister would tell me I'm crazy and trying to start drama. I wouldn't have a family anymore.
I feel a lot of guilt and shame and self-hatred because of abuse in my past but I never thought it was sexual. My mom told me she always suspected I was sexual abused somewhere but I've written it off as paranoia because she was sexually abused herself as a child.
Do you really think I might've been sexually abused? I can't bear to think my dad could've done something like that to me. I'm in the U.S. but I live with my parents to save money in college. They're better now. To each other and to me. But I don't want to believe my dad could've done this.....
Thank you for your reply and concern. This is putting my life in a different light now.
--
John4555t
8 years ago
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Ellenna
8 years ago
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Don't let people put ideas in your head. People can be made to think they committed a crime just through the power of suggestion. It's a phenomenon that police have often exploited to frame suspects during interrogations.
If you can't remember being abused then you probably weren't. The world isn't full of monsters lurking around every corner. Your father could be attracted to you. It happens and he didn't ask to have those feelings if he does. Gently let him know that you're uncomfortable with his commenting on your body. He might get mad but he'll get over it. He needs to know that he can't act on any feelings that he might have, and that they are UNWELCOME. If he has any good in him and values the father daughter relationship you two have, then on some level he'll appreciate it and be relieved. If not, then you'll have to think about withdrawing from the relationship.
--
RamenNoodleMaster#2
7 years ago
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Agreed, once again Ellenna is attempting to spread her misguided liberal opinions to the poor girl, she doesn't realize that by introducing such sick thoughts to the normal situation of a father complementing his daughter will likely ruin the relationship between the both of them. If nothing inappropriate happened there is nothing to worry about. The fact that everyone is trying to over-diagnose situations is very alarming, most fathers compliment their daughters looks and yes that includes, if it makes you uncomfortable you could always lightly tell him to stop
for example
Dad: Your looking good in that dress Isabella
You:Dad! Stop!(in a joking tone)"
Dad: Laughs and continues on with his day
Its pretty simple, although if he does start making physical advances on you that is totally inappropriate and you have every right to no longer to to him.
--
lakskfkgkgk
4 years ago
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Agree, I think complimenting people is completely normal. Thank you
OK, it doesn't sound at all appropriate to bring this up in your family at this stage, but I do strongly recommend you get some professional help: whatever has happened and who, if anyone, sexually abused you your feelings are throwing you into turmoil and that won't just go away by itself.
I have no idea what resources are available in the US for this sort of situation, but someone on here will know if you give your state.
Honey, it mightn't have been your dad, but you do need to find out and the answer is within you. The fear of destroying the family is what stops a lot of abused people from speaking out about it and I'm sure it's possible for you to get support somewhere to work out what is best for you to do.
Take care of yourself and stay in touch
--
justpasssingthrough
8 years ago
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Thank you for your help. If I find anything out I will let you know.
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Ellenna
8 years ago
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I'm glad if anything I've said helped - take care
"It seems almost definite to me that you have been sexually abused in the past..."
What the heck? She explicitly said in her post that she could NEVER remember being touched inappropriately by her father. Your assertion seems pretty paranoid and baseless.
It seems to me that her father might be on some level sexually attracted to her but that he doesn't want to hurt their father, daughter relationship. He can't help the feelings he has. He probably struggles with them and he certainly didn't ask to have them. He just can't act on them. She should gently let him know that it makes her feel uncomfortable when he makes comments about her body. He might get mad but if he loves her he'll get over it. There's a lot of long term value in parental relationships, certainly financially if nothing else, and that should be considered.
--
Ellenna
8 years ago
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It's not a baseless assertion and I'm not paranoid: re-read her paragraphs which being "I've been plagued" and "I had a dream" respectively.
You're very ignorant if you don't know that many people who are sexually abused in childhood don't remember it until some other incident triggers off uncomfortable feelings later in life.
There have been cases of weird shrinks & others instilling "false memories" of sexual abuse but I've never heard of a case where someone mistakenly remembered such incidents without prompting.
He IS in fact acting on his feelings with his comments: if he had any sesnsitivity he would realise it's making her uncomfortable and would stop doing it, he's on a power trip.
I also comment that it's not uncommon for abusers and abusers to also love each other, that doesn't mean it isn't abuse