Is it normal that my boyfriend thinks i am an ungrateful gold digger?

Hi all!
I just had a fairly extensive argument with my boyfriend and I have some concerns.
He thinks that I don’t appreciate him and all he does for me. He also claims I am a gold digger and a bum.
So, here’s the story. I work for my mother and her small business and to be honest I love it most of the time. But the money isn’t the best. My boyfriend hates that I make so little and he thinks I’m going nowhere in life. He says that it weighs on him the amount of money and time he puts into me. He just moved in with me a couple of months ago. Here’s the deal, I pay rent, Internet, water, electricity, Netflix, and trash. He thinks that because he buys misc things (curtains, ottoman etc.) that I couldn’t live without him. He says I’d be homeless. But I lived on my own just as happy for several months just fine. I don’t need the things he buys me but insists on doing so. He does help with other things like if I need vet visits or gas if I’m really struggling that month etc. he thinks he fuels up my car 90% of the time. The only time he puts gas in it is when we go all over the place on the weekends. I’d rather stay home and sleep so I’m fine with him paying for it.
Essentially he desperately wants me to quit working for my mom and get “a real job” as he says. And he claims it’s a deal breaker for me to have a better job with a sturdy income. Even though I pay the living expenses aside from groceries....
Is this just a guy thing because they’re egotistical? Or am I really being ungrateful and I need to do a better job showing him that I am grateful?

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Comments ( 13 )
  • Tealights

    It's not a guy thing, but an abusive person thing. Your boyfriend is insecure and possessive, and he wants you to depend on him and ONLY him; so he's using emotional abuse to try and control you.

    Please think about it before you write me off as some internet hater like most in this situation. Okay, let's recap: Your boyfriend is telling you to get a real job with better pay, calling you a gold digger, and that what you're doing now is a deal breaker.

    Aren't his complaints a little weird when you have all that he wants already? You're making a decent amount to support an apartment/bills and entertainment on your own. You're getting paid well enough. Yet... he wants you to make more, for what? Also, he's calling you a gold digger for the small favors and gas? Not even the gas bill, but GAS for your car every couple of weeks. Then he claims you would be homeless without him when he moved in with you. If you're such a deal breaker, then why is he still around trying to manipulate you into another job, eating your food, sleeping in your bed, etc?

    In my opinion, it sounds like he wants to separate you from your mother with another job, so you'll lose your support system. He's calling you names to lower your confidence, and gaslighting you by saying he's paying for everything when he isn't.

    You need to end this relationship.

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    • OlaftheGreat

      YOU DAMN RIGHT!!! Kick' em to the curb like the jackass he is. Dumbass bitchin' about what he don't know shìt about.

      Man, sometimes I think I'm part Madea.

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  • kelili

    Actually I think you're doing really good. I odn't really understand why he would say that you're a gold digger. And please never leave a job you love. Most people work to earn money and are unhappy about their job. So you're one of the few lucky ones.

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  • nikkiclaire

    He moved in with you, so ostensibly if you kicked him out, HE'D be homeless.

    I say do that.

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  • charli.m

    He sounds like an arsehole. I'm sorry. See if you can have a discussion about it. If you can't work things out and he feels the need to belittle and demean you, you're probably better off without him.

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    • Boojum

      Normally, I'm all for calm discussion and I do believe that good communication is vital for a healthy relationship, but I've gotta wonder about whether that's possible with this guy.

      If she put to him the same things she stated in her OP, I bet he'd just deny, claim he never said that, and come up with some BS justifications. In other words, it would be like trying to nail jello to the wall.

      If the OP sat down with receipts and bank statements proving that what she says is true and notes of precisely what false things he said and when, he'd probably call her OCD for keeping notes, twist that into her attacking him, calling him a liar, and not trusting him, say she's under her mother's thumb, blah, blah, borderline psychopathy blah.

      If the OP really likes the guy, she could try to have a reasoned discussion and attempt to state her problems calmly, but I think she should be prepared for him to show his true colours.

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      • charli.m

        I agree. Personally, I'd skip straight to the leaving. But I prefer to give options in advice, even if I don't think they're the best choice.

        The OP sounds like she pretty much knows where she's at, it's just a slight waver. I think, fortunately for her, she's not completely under his bullshit and she'll see it for what it is if she did choose to try and talk it through.

        Additionally, it is possible (though admittedly unlikely) he's a spoiled brat who is genuinely of the belief he's not doing anything wrong. There is a possibility he could listen to reason and change. It's far more likely he's not...but idk. This post didn't strike me as the usual straight forward danger leave immediately scenario we regularly get on IIN.

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        • Boojum

          And I agree with you. Obviously we've got very limited information, but I peg him as almost certainly emotionally immature, and probably insecure, manipulative, and incapable of understanding how relationships work, but _probably_ not actually dangerous. It sounds to me more like a relationship where there's a danger she'll start to question herself and believe his BS and then, five or ten years down the line, she'll have a moment of sudden clarity and leave the idiot. Then she'll find herself thinking, "Why the hell did I put up with that for so long?" and trying to rebuild her relationship with her family, her self confidence, and the rest of her life.

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  • Lestat565

    It’s not just a guy thing. It’s an he’s an asshole thing. Relationships are a give and take. He sounds like a twat that wants you to pay for everything while he can live there and do nothing. It’s projection. He’s the gold digger not you

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  • JD777

    What you describe isn’t normal for a decent guy. You make him sound petty, selfish and insecure. Add to that, you don’t like the same activities during time off (you sleeping, he running around). Prove you aren’t a gold digger by breaking off this odd relationship.

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  • TerriAngel

    RED FLAG.
    I know bad news when I see it.
    Don't you?
    I've been the giver, and the taker.
    I've used sex and paid none of the bills.
    I've tryed to help people and listened to their excuses and paid all the bills.
    This guy isn't even playing the game that well.
    But, he is using you, manipulating you, and sooner, or later.
    You will see that.
    I've seen dirtbags leech off women for 20 years and more.
    Using the woman's love, sympathy, and good will.
    You can do better.
    Don't blame all guys, some women do this crap also.

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  • Boojum

    Another thumbs-up from me for Tealights. Excellent points well stated.

    Also agree with Lestat that it could be projection, but that's putting the most positive spin possible on what your boyfriend is doing.

    He either knows he's lying about the reality of your domestic finances (gaslighting, in other words) and deliberately trying to undermine you and sabotage your relationship with your family, or he's doing these things because of urges he can't understand since he's emotionally immature and lacks selfawareness. Neither is good. I agree with others who say you should try to take a step back and consider where your relationship is going. From what you say, it sounds like nowhere positive.

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  • Poisonous-Cupcakes

    Women are golddiggers

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