Is it normal that my bf makes his ex wife's adult kids his priority?

I broke up with my boyfriend last night after 4 years. He is no longer with his ex wife. He has one son with her. She has 3 adult daughters from 2 previous relationships before him. For the first 3 years of our relationship I tried to make these grown girls a part of my life because I knew how important they were to him but all three of them have been disrespectful to me for years. None of the 3 wants to see him with me - they all want him back with their mother so of course, they treat me like garbage. After 3 years of trying for peace with them, I finally told him that I cannot deal with it anymore and I don't want to be near them or associate with them anymore. I tried and I can't do it. It's not working and in the end, they aren't his children. They are her kids who want me out of the picture. I thought he respected how I felt and wanted to put our relationship first but last night he made a choice that totally showed me that he places more loyalty and devotion towards them than to me and our future - so, sadly, I had to end it. I can't play this game anymore of trying to show him I should be first if he doesn't believe it himself. They are awful. All three of them. They're all like their mother - all they do is drink, smoke weed and get arrested. I just hope one day my ex sees that we could have had a good relationship if he was able to move on from his past and give me a fair shot at a real future. Not every woman wants to be around his ex wife's family constantly.

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  • Yes, normal.

    Go for someone with less baggage. I know it might sound harsh but really if you have no kids yourself then why shack up with someone who does? Maybe you don't want kids, or maybe you're just waiting for the right person before you have them. Either way you're entitled to those goals and it isn't your obligation to take on someone else's burden.

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    • I was actually wanting kids one day and waiting for the right person. But you’re right, the baggage is way too much for me to deal with.

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      • That would be even harder - you'd have to balance his other children with your own children and it gets messy. I'm not saying it never works, and maybe you'll suddenly meet the most amazing perfect guy who has kids with someone else already and it will all work out, but that's the exception.

        You made a good call walking away from this situation. Hope you find someone great to make your own babies with 😊

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  • Damn right about baggage. I wish people who had kids understood that.

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    • Most people who have kids do understand that. I have made a lot of sacrifices for my children, as I should do because I am their mother, and I'm happy to. But would I do that for someone else's children? Fuck no. No way. I would just end up resenting them.

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    • I never realized until I was in the situation how much baggage one person could have and how it could completely mess up a relationship.

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  • i am surprised everyone sides with you whole heartedly. basically kids are very important. they should not disrespect you, but even if they are not his biological children does not mean he loves them any less.

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    • No one said anything about him not loving them less or being "allowed" to. Maybe you need to read it again.

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      • i am not needing to read it again. You are wanting him to choose you. why would he do that? kids, regardless of what age, are more important. especially when they are not really asking him to choose. he can always find another woman or man, but he cannot find other children to love.

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        • No, I am wanting him to discipline his wife’s kids and have them not continue to be disrespectful towards me. I think that’s pretty obvious. I also need to make it clear that you are treating it like these a your average “kids”. These are not. These are 18-22 year olds who have been in jail multiple times for assault, drug charges, robbery.....I think you’re assuming that this is an average situation when it’s not.

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          • See, that's why I think you're better off without him, because of the company he keeps.

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            • I agree with you. I would never in a million years willingly want to associate with people like them and I refuse to put myself in that situation any longer where he isn't making sure they at least respect me on the rare occasions that I do see them.

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      • Yep!

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  • Good for you!

    I personally don't care to date men with children from previous relationships, because I'm not interested in putting someone else's children first. His ex looks to be a woman of poor character so it's should be no surprise that his daughters are the same.

    However, it is natural for them to want this man that they have thought of as their stepfather back with their mother, especially if they knew him from an early age. Their mother seems to have gotten around a good bit.

    I think it's perfectly fine to judge a person by the company he, or she keeps, and who said person loves. Next time you meet a man like him you will know to steer clear, he's got more baggage than an airport!

    I personally think it's a good idea to steer clear of dating a person if you don't like not just his kids, family, but even his pets as well. Just because you find someone to be attractive, and have a relatively good personality doesn't mean that person would make a good mate.

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    • You're so true and I am so hurt today and wondering why he wouldn't want to put his own relationship of several years before some adult awful girls that aren't even his blood but I guess that's not what I should be worrying about. What I need to keep focused on isn't why is he doing this but that I deserve better than that. You are right, his ex is a woman of poor character and I am the complete opposite of her - which makes me wonder why he isn't trying at all to keep me around.

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      • I agree with Rose but as a man I see his side a bit too. Those children are his biological son's sisters. If he raised them since they were children too he probably thinks of them as his own. I think he is a good man for not allowing you to push them out of his life.

        Theres two sides to every story also. I would like to hear their side of the story. But personally I see your point of view but I think it shows great character on his behalf that he would not allow you to cut his kids off even though they were not his. This is surely why they love him so much.

        Give him another chance.

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        • I do agree with you that it shows great character. The thing is I wasn't trying to push them out of his life. They never showed me any respect because they didn't want me around. I tried to have some sort of relationship with them for 3 years before I gave up. It didn't work. Their mother hates me and so do they. If a man wants to move on to a future with another woman he needs to make that woman feel comfortable and to make her feel like a priority to his life. If they were nice to me than I have no excuse feel as I do - but the fact is, they are awful to me. For 3 years I dealt with so much from all 3 of them to try and break us up. They only come around when they want money or need his help because they know he has a soft spot for them. Or when they get arrested or one of them needs another abortion. I love him as do they, but it's not fair to me to not have a fair shot with this relationship when they are always trying to find a way to sabotage it for their mother.

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          • Girl, you need to quit slumming, leave this bad situation.

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          • Ewww they have abortions too? Yuck...
            I definitely see your point of view too. The man is supposed to be reasonable and bring people together. He should sit yall down and explain to them that they have to respect you and what theyre doing is unfair to you and its not your fault that you fell in love with him. If you do want to make it work and decide to give him another chance tell him to put a stop to it. That its not right that he's allowing them to disrespect you

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            • They are awful. They have abortions, do drugs. They are extremely ghetto and the most disrespectful young women I've ever met in my life. All carbon copies of their mother. Your advice to have him sit us all down is something I actually tried in the beginning to make this work but they don't care what he says, they didn't listen to him and they continued to be disrespectful to me and it caused fights because he allows this from them. I don't feel like my feelings matter when it comes to the way I'm treated by them. I feel like he's allowing his wife's kids to ruin this relationship and totally disrespect me and our relationship. It hurts a lot - because I do love him very much and I've put up with this for a while now and I just can't take it anymore.

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      • The thing about kids, and even animals is that if there is a history there a person is not going to automatically cease to feel for them just because a relationship between two adult people has ended. Despite this woman's poor character those people are probably better all together as a family. I rather suspect that the only reason he isn't with her is because of her propensity to get arrested. I could be wrong of course, but... regardless, it's not only okay, but even advisable to judge someone by the company they keep.

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        • Your advice is really really helpful and I really thank you so much for it. I'm at my desk at work in tears today just so hurt today and just wanting to get over this. Glad it wasn't longer than 4 years. The reason he isn't with her is mostly because she cheated one too many times that he found out about and then he met me right after the fact and I was completely different. You are right about the company one keeps. Which make me wish I cut him off from the beginning with the fact that he wanted this type of people in his life to begin with.

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          • I glad that I could be of help to you Angelina! Try not to beat yourself up to much about this.

            From what you're telling me it sounds like you might have been his rebound relationship. I would be wary of anyone who has just had a big breakup for sure.

            When you meet someone who's going through some drama, or is a little rough on the edges I would highly advise that you resist any urges that you have to fix, or assist that person with any sort of transformation. Also beware of any urges you might have to tap into your inner saint, martyr, or savior persona.

            A really great book that has helped many people, myself included, is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I also found that I was able to help myself a lot through the twelve step program of Codependents Anonymous. http://coda.org/

            Always remember, to thine own self be true, dear heart! ☺

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            • Yes, I guess I was his rebound relationship...I just didn't think it would have lasted 4 hours if it was just a rebound. But, who knows. Thank you RoseIsablle and I will definitely be checking out that book.

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  • Do you want kids yourself?

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  • How long has he been like a parent to these kids? Were they already grown when he started dating his ex wife?

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    • He has been a parent to them since they were around 7,8 and 9 - since they were kids. I have no issue with him being a parent to them - I think some people are misunderstanding me about this - this issue is the level of disrespect that they have is off the charts and they do it on purpose because they want him back with their mother. But they are all 18 or over now and they need to learn that dad's girlfriend has to be respected. They don't have to like me or want me around but they can't disrespect me.

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