is it normal that I want to try smoking so bad??

First off, we all know smoking is bad for your health, is expensive, makes you stink and seems to have a stigma attached to it these days. I first tried it in 1969 at the tender age of 11. I didn't really know how to inhale, but smoked a few cigs that I stole from my aunt every once in a while. At 13, I lit up one of my aunt's Kools and figured out how to do it properly. When that smoke hit my lungs, I was totally hooked.I smoked on & off for the next few years, but was basically a closet smoker. Once I hit around 17, I smoked more. I moved out of my parent's house at 19 with a girlfriend. She was a smoker, as were about 95% of the women I met and dated. I smoked more when I drank, as do most people. I started smoking feminine cigs at some point and in the 90's I would buy a pack of my "masculine" cigs, usually Winston 100's or maybe Marlboro Light 100's, along with a pack of long 120mm feminine ones like Misty's, Virginia Slims, Carltons, or Mores. I would smoke the 120's to feel a little feminine and would always masturbate while smoking one. My wife quit for good in the early 90's to my chagrin. She had to when she got pregnant, but chose never to start up again. I told her i quit too, but started back up pretty quickly. Over the years, I would "quit" on New Year's Day, and eventually start back up, when my urge to smoke got too intense. I quit for a day, a week, a month, once for nine months, always to start back up. It was the single hardest thing I ever did, when I finally quit. I had made up mind that when I bought a brand new car, that would be the last day I smoked, since I didn't want to stink up the new car. I did just that in 2002 and despite some urges have resisted starting up again. I never was a "heavy smoker", usually averaging a half pack or less a day, unless I was out drinking all night. With all that being said, I still get erotically turned on watching an attractive girl smoke, especially long feminine cigs. I am going through a sexual identity crisis for the last couple of months, suddenly getting intensely aroused by the sight of a hard penis. I really want to find the right man to lose my "virginity" to. I have already decided that when I do have a gay encounter, I will start smoking again, even after 12 years being smoke-free. Smoking always calmed my nerves and would be a way of wrapping my head around it all. I will buy a pack or two of my favorite 120's, most likely Mistys. I will already have asked my potential lover if he would be ok with it. It would be a deal breaker if he says no. I want to smoke a cig or two before, definitely one during and absolutely one after sex. I would smoke them very sensually and feminine like just for him. I guess it is my way of letting my feminine side out. I think it will enhance the sex for me and my lover. This is how powerful these things are, so if you understand all that and still want to try it, go for it. I don't care what anyone says, a cute girl smoking a 120 cigarette is a turn on, actually a cute girl smoking at all is a turn on.