When someone complains that they feel the rules of their family's home are unfair or intolerable, then moving out is the only solution, I can see. I certainly wouldn't want anyone living under my roof who felt that they could live however they wanted with no respect for my wishes. Especially if I'm paying for everything.
I agree that moving out is not practical in many situations, but that only means that one should then accept the rules of the house without resentment or anger. It a fair trade, IMO.
This is precisely the mentality I noticed a lot in America. It really shocks me how people are so cold with their family. I heard a lot of these kind of phrases "My roof my rules", "I pay you everything"... and it just seems so sad.
It just seems that for these people kids are machines that you put coins on in exchange for obedience. And if they stop doing what you want, you have to thrown them away. For me a family is not a slave-owner relationship. It is about people with different tasks sharing their space.
For me at least, rules should always at least be up for discussion. And also, as children grow up, they are supposed to gain more independence, responsibilities and voice inside the household. This is actually written in the Convention on the Rights of the Child (which for some reason US has never ratified).
And lastly... about the money issue. I know many people with retired parents that "bring the bread" to the house, but that doesn't mean they gain dominance over their parents. Also, is is common for the parents to move with their son or daughter when they become old... but they still have to respect their elders, even if the house doesn't belong to them.
I guess we (I) believe that it is a parent's job to prepare our children to leave the "nest" and become independent. Few of us want to continue living together after our children get to a certain age, but I'd hardly call it throwing them away.
But I can't imagine, even in your society that a, say, 20 year old child, would be allowed to lay about his room all day, playing loud music or video games, then go out partying every night and return at any hour, without contributing anything to the household but his presence. And only for the fact that he is older, be given a say on what goes on in the home. No, I don't believe that if the child gets hooked on meth and steals from the family, that in your society, or any other, the family would embrace him or allow him to have a say in the home.
I'm well aware of how most of the world works, and I believe you have a simplistic view, colored by a functional family. We aren't all lucky enough to have functional families.
What you are confusing here is the "growing up" term. It is not only about changing one number, it is about becoming mature too. Obviously, a 25 year old guy who only does drugs and stays in his room doing nothing all day isn't a grown up man. And as such, he wouldn't have a big voice in a household in my culture.
Unfortunately, my family is not a functional one. But yet, even in the most dysfunctional families around here, it would be seen as cold if you expect child to leave your house when they turn 18. And also, if a parent acts as your "owner" or your "boss", it would also seem sad and weird. I would say that our family relationships are like this: we try to stick together as much as possible, we share and make decisions together, but we give the elders the highest priority in everything.
Moving from a person you cant communicate with and you always fight with solves the issue. If you live with an abusive parent and move out on your own that parent is not beating you. No it does not fix the relationship issues necessarily but we have to face the fact some people are simply not compatible and never will be.
It depends on the rules. If you're living with someone as an adult, you need to respect that person as a competent adult. Granted a hard transition for parents is when their kids go to college and they start being their own person.
Letting go is hard, and my parents admitted this after we got in a fight because they were paying for my college. I was an adult living in the dorms, but they thought they should still have a say in my schedule, my religion, my boyfriends, etc.. because they were paying for college. I told them to stop paying and took out my own loans and they no longer had any say in my life.
We all got along much better once they no longer had ammo for a power struggle. They had to be nicer and more open to my life choices if they wanted to maintain a good relationship with me. We learned to agree to disagree. Also, after things settled down, my parents gave me no strings attached money each month to help me buy food and pay rent. That certainly helped smooth things over.
IIN that I think that family issues are not resolved by "moving out"?
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When someone complains that they feel the rules of their family's home are unfair or intolerable, then moving out is the only solution, I can see. I certainly wouldn't want anyone living under my roof who felt that they could live however they wanted with no respect for my wishes. Especially if I'm paying for everything.
I agree that moving out is not practical in many situations, but that only means that one should then accept the rules of the house without resentment or anger. It a fair trade, IMO.
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tigressdawn
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This is precisely the mentality I noticed a lot in America. It really shocks me how people are so cold with their family. I heard a lot of these kind of phrases "My roof my rules", "I pay you everything"... and it just seems so sad.
It just seems that for these people kids are machines that you put coins on in exchange for obedience. And if they stop doing what you want, you have to thrown them away. For me a family is not a slave-owner relationship. It is about people with different tasks sharing their space.
For me at least, rules should always at least be up for discussion. And also, as children grow up, they are supposed to gain more independence, responsibilities and voice inside the household. This is actually written in the Convention on the Rights of the Child (which for some reason US has never ratified).
And lastly... about the money issue. I know many people with retired parents that "bring the bread" to the house, but that doesn't mean they gain dominance over their parents. Also, is is common for the parents to move with their son or daughter when they become old... but they still have to respect their elders, even if the house doesn't belong to them.
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I guess we (I) believe that it is a parent's job to prepare our children to leave the "nest" and become independent. Few of us want to continue living together after our children get to a certain age, but I'd hardly call it throwing them away.
But I can't imagine, even in your society that a, say, 20 year old child, would be allowed to lay about his room all day, playing loud music or video games, then go out partying every night and return at any hour, without contributing anything to the household but his presence. And only for the fact that he is older, be given a say on what goes on in the home. No, I don't believe that if the child gets hooked on meth and steals from the family, that in your society, or any other, the family would embrace him or allow him to have a say in the home.
I'm well aware of how most of the world works, and I believe you have a simplistic view, colored by a functional family. We aren't all lucky enough to have functional families.
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Shiroyasha
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Well, now that's an exaggerated response...
What you are confusing here is the "growing up" term. It is not only about changing one number, it is about becoming mature too. Obviously, a 25 year old guy who only does drugs and stays in his room doing nothing all day isn't a grown up man. And as such, he wouldn't have a big voice in a household in my culture.
Unfortunately, my family is not a functional one. But yet, even in the most dysfunctional families around here, it would be seen as cold if you expect child to leave your house when they turn 18. And also, if a parent acts as your "owner" or your "boss", it would also seem sad and weird. I would say that our family relationships are like this: we try to stick together as much as possible, we share and make decisions together, but we give the elders the highest priority in everything.
"Meth", "stealing", now that scalated quickly, hahaha
Moving from a person you cant communicate with and you always fight with solves the issue. If you live with an abusive parent and move out on your own that parent is not beating you. No it does not fix the relationship issues necessarily but we have to face the fact some people are simply not compatible and never will be.
It depends on the rules. If you're living with someone as an adult, you need to respect that person as a competent adult. Granted a hard transition for parents is when their kids go to college and they start being their own person.
Letting go is hard, and my parents admitted this after we got in a fight because they were paying for my college. I was an adult living in the dorms, but they thought they should still have a say in my schedule, my religion, my boyfriends, etc.. because they were paying for college. I told them to stop paying and took out my own loans and they no longer had any say in my life.
We all got along much better once they no longer had ammo for a power struggle. They had to be nicer and more open to my life choices if they wanted to maintain a good relationship with me. We learned to agree to disagree. Also, after things settled down, my parents gave me no strings attached money each month to help me buy food and pay rent. That certainly helped smooth things over.