Completely understandable that you find it hard to talk face to face about these issues. I felt the same way when I had my illness. Paying someone (such as a therapist) to listen to your problems and give you advice when they have not experienced it themselves is quite illogical to me.
You mentioned you've been suffering from mild depression (mixed in) with mania for quite some time. You also mentioned you've been having bouts of psychosis for the last couple years? This sounds like Cyclothymia with psychosis to me. Have you been diagnosed with a disorder from a medical professional?
My friend, what I'm trying to get at is, there is a VERY good chance that it's the illness causing these thoughts and behaviors. Mixing depression with mania and psychosis can be very debilitating for a person.
I grew up struggling with severe depression (since the age of 14 or 15) up until around a few years ago. It wasted a good portion of my life. I tried using drugs to self medicate. All it does is make it that much worse. I hated seeing doctors about it. I hated telling my mother about it. I hated talking to these people who couldn't otherwise even begin to understand what I was going through... And, as weird as it sounds, I even hated trying to fix it.
Eventually I convinced myself to try medication, and it really helped. It didn't make me 100%, but life was bearable. It gradually got better. Nowadays, although it seems a little hard to experience pleasure, I get through life just fine (currently without medication).
My advice to you is try medication. Yes, you'll have to see a doctor but you don't HAVE TO see a therapist. They may put you on seroquel. It's an anti psychotic. People who have bipolar disorder and psychosis typically use this.
Anyhow, sorry for the long message. Hopefully I was helpful. If you ever need to talk, don't hesitate to message me.
IIN that I think about killing people?
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Completely understandable that you find it hard to talk face to face about these issues. I felt the same way when I had my illness. Paying someone (such as a therapist) to listen to your problems and give you advice when they have not experienced it themselves is quite illogical to me.
You mentioned you've been suffering from mild depression (mixed in) with mania for quite some time. You also mentioned you've been having bouts of psychosis for the last couple years? This sounds like Cyclothymia with psychosis to me. Have you been diagnosed with a disorder from a medical professional?
My friend, what I'm trying to get at is, there is a VERY good chance that it's the illness causing these thoughts and behaviors. Mixing depression with mania and psychosis can be very debilitating for a person.
I grew up struggling with severe depression (since the age of 14 or 15) up until around a few years ago. It wasted a good portion of my life. I tried using drugs to self medicate. All it does is make it that much worse. I hated seeing doctors about it. I hated telling my mother about it. I hated talking to these people who couldn't otherwise even begin to understand what I was going through... And, as weird as it sounds, I even hated trying to fix it.
Eventually I convinced myself to try medication, and it really helped. It didn't make me 100%, but life was bearable. It gradually got better. Nowadays, although it seems a little hard to experience pleasure, I get through life just fine (currently without medication).
My advice to you is try medication. Yes, you'll have to see a doctor but you don't HAVE TO see a therapist. They may put you on seroquel. It's an anti psychotic. People who have bipolar disorder and psychosis typically use this.
Anyhow, sorry for the long message. Hopefully I was helpful. If you ever need to talk, don't hesitate to message me.