Oh, boy. Take a deep breath! I needed one after reading your post.
I think that your past abuse is still dragging you down significantly. It's not your fault that you feel this way and it's distressing to me - as someone who doesn't even know you! - to think about you suffering from these painful thoughts and feelings.
I beg you to seek counseling or some other form of therapy. It's not scary - counselors these days don't hypnotize you or analyze your dreams or anything whacky - it's just talking about your thoughts and feelings with an accepting, nonjudgmental professional. They can teach you more positive ways of talking to yourself and ways to manage anxiety and distracting thoughts or memories. I've been in therapy for years (which I know doesn't sound encouraging), an I can honestly say that without it, my own negative thoughts would have driven me to suicide by now. Talking to a stranger about these things may feel awkward at first, but it's very rewarding once you become comfortable and realize that the counselor really doesn't judge you, and just wants to help you.
If you are concerned with the cost of therapy, even very small towns often have a community counseling center that offers services on a sliding scale - so if you're broke, sessions are only about five dollars. You can also usually get counseling for free through your school, college, or church.
Please seek help! You DON'T deserve to feel this way! I feel pain for your pain and I hope you find relief one way or another.
Good luck!
Is it normal that I obsess so much?
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Oh, boy. Take a deep breath! I needed one after reading your post.
I think that your past abuse is still dragging you down significantly. It's not your fault that you feel this way and it's distressing to me - as someone who doesn't even know you! - to think about you suffering from these painful thoughts and feelings.
I beg you to seek counseling or some other form of therapy. It's not scary - counselors these days don't hypnotize you or analyze your dreams or anything whacky - it's just talking about your thoughts and feelings with an accepting, nonjudgmental professional. They can teach you more positive ways of talking to yourself and ways to manage anxiety and distracting thoughts or memories. I've been in therapy for years (which I know doesn't sound encouraging), an I can honestly say that without it, my own negative thoughts would have driven me to suicide by now. Talking to a stranger about these things may feel awkward at first, but it's very rewarding once you become comfortable and realize that the counselor really doesn't judge you, and just wants to help you.
If you are concerned with the cost of therapy, even very small towns often have a community counseling center that offers services on a sliding scale - so if you're broke, sessions are only about five dollars. You can also usually get counseling for free through your school, college, or church.
Please seek help! You DON'T deserve to feel this way! I feel pain for your pain and I hope you find relief one way or another.
Good luck!