Is it normal that i'm not hurt by death

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The first death I experienced was my moms aunt. I didn't know her to well and at the funeral I couldn't help but make jokes with my cousin. Not about the deceased because that's not me, but just having a laugh, trying to hold it in during this morbid setting. I felt that It probably had to do with how little I knew her, and maybe I'll be affected someday death will really hit me. So a few months later, my friends dad dies and I had just talked to him recently. The first person I really knew that had died. But still I was unshaken, days passed and at the wake there I was laughing joking. Even at the funeral, seeing everyone In tears, I just didn't want to be there. I was bored, and wanted to go home but knew I had to stay there to be there for a friend and to pay my respects. Then my friend committed suicide two days after he had just been at my house partying with me. He was a good guy, but I wasn't upset that he had past. I went to his wake, feeling uncomfortable knowing I had to fake these feelings of sadness that weren't there. I didn't even go to the funeral because I felt that it was wrong of him to off himself. He had been talking to many people who told him not to, showing emotions and telling him how important he was to them, and he did it anyway. It's really fucking insulting, having people pour out there's souls to you and still killing yourself. It gives the implication of "thanks for the compliment but I don't give a fuck about your feelings". But anyway, then I heard of my grandma having cancer. And it was just awkward for me, everyone was crying expecting me to cry and be sad but nothing. She ended up passing away and that's it, I went to school the next day, hung out with my friends. During the same time my friends grandma passed away and I spent more time comforting then than I did myself.

I don't know why but I don't feel hurt by death. I have dreams of my mother dying occasionally and those are the worst. I do cry in my dreams all the time but I can't in real life. I don't want to have to deal with people trying to comfort me just for me to tell them to go away and I'm okay.

I think I might be incapable of love. I want to believe I can but I'm just not that attached to anything.

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Comments ( 6 ) Sort: best | oldest
  • BIgEB
    9 years ago | pl

    It does seem to me that you did love your mother's aunt, since you say that you cry in your dreams (perhaps nightmares about her death)...I have seen a lot of death, both in my family (I had a brother die when he was 7 and I was 9), extended family, friends, church family, and co-workers...I have to admit that generally I do feel a loss as long as the person's mind is still responding around the time of death...If not, it seems to me that the person is already dead (though perhaps not physically--I had a grandfather whose brain was fried mainly through alcohol a number of years before his actual body died...you couldn't communicate with him...). However, it is possible that someone's death, a number of deaths, or some other activity, may have shut off your mind (emotions) to this...I'm not sure I consider your situation normal, but I would hesitate to call you abnormal, insane, or anything of the sort, either...

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  • IncludedSos
    9 years ago | pl

    Congratulations! You are one of few that have somehow bypassed their crippling existentialism!

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  • sunnymom
    9 years ago | pl

    It is a bit strange. But as long you are respectful of others grieving and pain, it is probably ok. The other thing is if you find yourself doing things that others think wrong because of this lack of feeling, it would be time to get a check up from the neck up.

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  • Mersaphe
    9 years ago | pl

    i have seen a few deaths last year. my best friend's dad died, he was one of the coolest people i knew. then my grandmother's younger sister died, what's worse was she had a stroke and was in a lot of pain before dying. my mom used to love her a lot as a kid and as an adult. seeing death desensitizes me. the worst part isn't that people die but that they're no longer living. you can't just call them on the phone to hear their voice or visit them to see them anymore. once they're gone they're not coming back and you won't see them again. and, with all the atrocities in the world like wars, genocides, natural disasters...it's clear that the world doesn't blink when someone dies, when hundreds or thousands of people die. the world doesn't stop for you. people die everyday, people are born everyday, life goes on. thats the sad truth

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  • brinxster
    9 years ago | pl

    Everyone experiences death differently.

    I wasn't sad at all at my Grandmother's funeral or one of my friends, although they asked me to give a speech which was really awkward so I pretended to be sad. And when my mom passed away I was sort of in shock but not sad at the funeral, after a few days I began to miss her and that's when the sadness really set in. And when my best friend died I was mostly angry about it and in shock that it happened, it just seemed so unreal. I would have dreams of him in his coffin, he would open his eyes and smile at me. It was really sad for a year. But eventually I moved on. Eventually after all the death, it just left me feeling like life is meaningless, we're here, we work, we eat, we play, we die... seeing too much death really just makes you realize how meaningless life is.

    And to think all humanity is really doing right now, running around working, just to keep an idea of "money" in circulation just is really depressing. Like there is nothing bigger we're working towards but a self fulfilling prophecy of materialism & capitalism.

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  • Short4Words
    9 years ago | pl

    It could be for whatever reason you are just disconnected with this part of yourself. I remember being unaffected until it happened in my personal family and then things kind of changed. It's really hard to really experience someones death and mourn unless they were a huge part in your life. Someone that you are always talking to, or always with, someone you depend on.. if that person goes, it's like you've lost a part of yourself.

    I don't know how to help you, but maybe if you try to not be so disconnected, if you try to be more forward with your feelings and try to make connections more, then you might discover that you are capable of love. I think you are.

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