Is it normal that i'm jealous of his ex?

76% Normal
4 Comments

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year now.
He dated his ex for about six years. They broke up, apparently a mutual "fading out" kind of thing.
I am his first serious girlfriend since, and he had about a year of "solo" time before we met.

It is probably ridiculous of me to feel this way, given how serious he is about me (we are moving in together this summer). He says he has never felt like this about a girl before. All actions say that he is truly devoted.

Yet. When we first started going out, there was a drawing of her in his appartment, and a list they wrote together in college. At the time, I told him that if they still had a thing, that would be okay but now was the time to say it before anyone got hurt. When he moved he did not bring these items into his new place (as our relationship progressed into something real).

He justified their friendship to me by saying they are best friends and that she is friends with all of his friends, she is in his life to stay. Christmas break came, and they were both in their hometowns. From what I understood, they got into a small fight. When I went to meet his family and friends, she wasn't invited to any of the events (or perhaps everyone thought it was best if she did not came). When I told him that if they were such good friends, why didn't I meet her? He said it wasn't like he planned it that way.
I let him know at this point that I felt the friendship was inappropriate, that I wasn't sure what the solution was as I hate to be controlling and I do believe he loves me... but something about it just irks me.

Months later, I know they still write to each other and text quite frequently. Not because he told me so, but sometimes he'll check his phone in front of me and I'll see it. I don't want to bring it up again as we already talked it out and he assured me they were just friends.

So, am I being over-controlling?
Is it possible that they really are just friends and I need to let this go?
I don't think he has any desire to get back with her, because he could have - she is still in love with him, I think.

How do you just "accept" this kind of situation?

I am not looking for "break up with him" kind of advice, because we love each other. I just want to know if there are ways to deal with this insecurity.

Thank you!

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76% Normal
Based on 85 votes (65 yes)
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Comments ( 4 )
  • Treez
    12 years ago

    I've never been jealous just had the feeling of what the fuck did they see in that person

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  • Judas_misunderstood
    13 years ago

    Billy Joel has the best advice here. You may be crazy. You may be wrong but you may be right.

    The yardstick is this: anything appropriate for someone in a relationship to do, is something they would have no problem doing with their partner sitting right beside them. If your BF and his ex are not doing anything wrong, there should be no problem.

    I think the only way to really know is to spend some time with them together. You will know very quickly whether or not their body language is stiff and forced, which means they're not comfortable being their usual selves around you, or if they're too cosy and casual.

    In either case, let him know it's not on. If they feel their relationship (as in the way they usually act around each other) is something that would make you uncomfortable, then they tacitly acknowledge that it's inappropriate. It should therefore end.

    If they're all over each other and might as well be dry-humping, then it's irrelevant if they're comfortable doing it in front of you. It's beyond the pale.

    If neither of those things appear to be the case, then you might not be getting cheated on, but I think eventually there will come a time when she's drunk, single and horny, and things may well end in tears.

    Nobody tolerates a close relationship between a partner and their ex. I wouldn't. They have seen each other naked and sweating. He should understand that no woman can be expected to simply accept that his ex has an (presumably non-sxually) intimate relationship with him.

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  • mtnw
    14 years ago

    i think you are normal in the way you are thinking/feeling.

    maybe as time passes, you will feel better, hopefully.

    i never liked the idea of ex-lovers remaining friends. it never seems to work for somebody (you).

    you are fortunate that during the christmas events, everyone left her out. at least you know that they are doing the right thing and are on your side.

    my guess, is that what you are doing:
    not being controlling and snooping is what is going to get you through it. yes, i know, the snooping is wrong. buy, you also have to protect yourself.

    if i were you, i'd present myself in such a way to his parents and family that they end up really, really liking you. these alliances could serve you in the future.

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  • emmahorsley2009
    14 years ago

    i am in a similar situation, my boyfriend had been with his ex for 4 years and moved in together. i feel that all of his family like her better than me. this may sound childish, but me and him have been going out for a year and a bit now so i dont think i should feel like this but i do. you just need to talk things through with your boyfriend and tell him how you feel. he should understand if he is a good enough boyfriend for you

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