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I'm married and fairly happy with my life. Recently i began working with a female at work (i'm a Police officer, so is she). It's probably fair to say that i'm pretty infatuated with her. She ticks all the boxes in my view : dark hair, dark brown eyes and she's a cool person too. I wish my stupid boy like infatuation would end and i could get on with my life. Any tips for helping me deal with this and move on ?
Fella, dont for gods sake do anything with her.
I know as I live in a rented room while while my family now live without me in our 3 bedroom house.
The colleague I had a thing for has her own place and a new life..
So if you take the chance, you've got to man up and take the consequences...
Attraction is not a choice. We all have little attraction switches, and when the right body type/personality combination comes along those switches are going to trip and you will feel what you feel. Attraction. It's biology. it's what keeps evolution moving.
But then you have the relationship obligations that you have chosen to take on. Like exclusivity to your spouse. Who, arguably possesses some powerful attraction switches herself. You married her. lol
But probably you are not feeling those attraction switches firing like they used to with your wife. Why? Well, familiarity. You have had time and proximity to see the flaws. The annoyances. The attraction killers.
Utilize. Cop-Girl is gorgeous. But not perfect. Charming. but not completely. Find the flaws. Train yourself to immediately find the flaw in the other woman. Even the tiniest thing. Amplify it. Focus on it.
The things that do attract you, notice how they are the things that attracted you to your wife. Allow the beauty and charm you see in another woman to remind you of what you love about your wife.
Lastly, develop a relationship with your wife, very carefully if she is insecure, in which you are BOTH free to point out and talk about people you see that are attractive. They are out there, so why pretend they're not? Comfortable enough so that you could come home and say, Honey, you should see this new Officer they hired. She is gorgeous. She reminds me of you in these ways.... but her feet are huge! You don't have to say "I am attracted to her." Just that you noticed both the beauty and the flaws, and the beauty made you think of your awesome wife.
This becomes a release valve and balancer for you. It's the secret attraction that leads to problems. So don't keep it a secret. Enjoy the beauty, share the beauty with your wife, enhance your wife's beauty as you do, and you rob the secret of it's power.
This is the way we did it in our marriage and it worked beautifully.
If I were you I would hold off for a while to see if you still feel the same in another 3 months and you should know by then if she feels the same way. I think that WinstonTasteGood's story is typical - if it's meant to be, it will be, sooner or later.
She may actually be more interested in you if you were free to pursue her. Not too many women would voluntarily enter a relationship with a married man. You need to find out if she's dating or married!
Damn. Same thing happened with me; and we’re both in the public service as well. The infatuation went on for about a year with me trying to keep cool, but going absolutely crazy. Before anything happened, we ended up in separate divisions and didn’t see each other for a few years (we work for a pretty big agency). Then we bumped into each other during a field exercise and started talking again. By this time, my wife and I were more like good friends than anything else. So, one thing led to another and my colleague and I… well, you know the story. My wife and I had a heart-to-heart and decided we’d both be happier if we separated. Now, my coworker and I have been together for about two years and nothing could be better. And my wife and I have remained good friends (she’s cool). No advice here, but I know exactly how you feel. I just hope that if you do decide to pursue anything with your coworker, you can manage it in such a way that some of your work buddies aren’t responding to a domestic at your residence. Good Luck!
Thanks for the advice. I see some similarities between your situation and mine. Part of me also thinks that we (my wife and i) would be happier if we separated. i've felt that way for a while. I really want my wife to be happy too, as well as me. A big part of me thinks she would be happier without me, as my heart has'nt been in this relationship for a couple of years now.
I have usually held the belief throughout my life that we only get one shot at it, make the most of it. That theory leans me towards following up on my feelings with my gorgeous co-worker. So what i need to work out is whether its best for me to be impulsive right now, or whether to hold my ground. I should point out also, that i have never let on to her that i like her. I've only known her about 3 months. So basically i don't know where she stands or even if she knows. I have not been nervous around her or anything, i suspect i proably manage to hide my feelings quite well.
One other point : if i confess my feelings to her (co-worker) and she totally is'nt on the same wavelength, then i still believe the wife and me should separate to allow us to move on to happier things.
If nothing else, IIN is helping me to work this problem through my sore motherf**ing head !
Thanks Winston.