Is it normal that i love him to death, but i don't want him?

I dated this guy for almost a year. I was madly in love with him. And when it was good, it was great. But when it was bad, it was hell. I've always been a pretty independant person- I like to have fun and do what I want with my friends- nothing crazy, but I am the type of person that doesn't sit at home. My ex is the opposite. He doesn't do much, doesn't have many friends, and is basically content wiith just going to work and coming home to video games. We used to always bump heads and fight because of it. We've broken up way too many times to count because of it also. It's no one's fault, its just the type of people we are. But we broke up for good about 5 months ago because we both felt we weren't getting what we needed from the other. It was also because he couldnt handle me putting him on the backburner anymore. He became so closed off and distant with me, telling me that he can't be in a relationship where he loved me more than I loved him (which is not true!) The breakup had to happen. We spent more time arguing about our relationship than actually having one and I felt like we were just trying to save something that ran its course a long time ago. But its been 5 months. And I'm with someone new who I really care for, but I cannot stop thinking about my ex. Sometimes he calls me telling me how much he misses me, reminisces about our relationship, tells me he still loves me and that he's in pain. What is weird is that he never says he wants to get back together and though I feel the exact same way he does, I absolutely do not want to get back with him. I'll put a pistol in my mouth before I do that. He's way too much emotional work and we love eachother, but we're just not good together. But all I want to do is have him in my life to love him. Is that crap normal??