Is it normal that i have sexual thoughts like this?

I've always thought I was a pretty normal 29 y/o guy except when it comes to sex and my sexual thoughts. As far as I can remember I've been watching every type of porn you can think of. Straight, gay, bi, etc.

I could never have a relationship with a guy, kissing or holding hands with a guy makes me kind of sick to think about. I can't find a man attractive at all, but find myself wanting to give oral to men non stop. I've given head to a guy a few times a couple years ago, I loved it, I find myself on the Internet all the time looking for gay guys to go on cam with or just dirty chat, I've had countless opportunities to hook up with these men but whenever I "finish" (ejaculate) I kinda chicken out and don't go through with it. After I ejaculate the thought of guys makes me ill. When I'm horny I want the dirtiest things with men, multiple men, etc.

I just wish I could tell myself that I'm bi because it'd make things a lot easier to understand but I just can't do it. I'm not homophobic or embarrassed about it, I just know how much I love women in reality. Out in public I only think about women, but when I'm alone and horny, I go to the net and my fantasies go from women to men.

To top this off, I have a serious girlfriend. She knows about my issues. She's fine with it, but I'm not, my wish is for her to be with other men. I'm desperate for her to cheat on me, have an affair, it's almost like I want to be hurt. It's not that I don't love her or subconciously want to break up. I love her a tonne. But It feels like the only thing that I want is for her to be with multiple men, I don't really care to join in, I want to watch and feel hurt or jealous. I beg her to cheat all the time, beg her to meet other guys and have a one night stand etc.

Sometimes I think all of this is coming from the fact that I'm bored with sex, I've been with a lot of women growing up, done every thing a guy could imagine with women, maybe I'm looking for more and more and regular sex won't fulfill me.

Me and my girlfriend have had 3sums in the past and looking back, it's the most amazing thing to me, me and the other guy don't fool around, but just seeing my loved one with another guy drives me nuts.

I've been to sexual therapy because of these feelings, It didn't help, I'm so confused about it all, we live a totally normal successful life when I'm not "horny" but when I am horny I hate myself, I'm a different person all together and just wish I had no sex drive at all so I wouldn't keep confusing myself and feeling ashamed.