You actually do have suicidal ideation though. It means you've specifically planned it in your head, maybe as an exercise in curiosity. It doesn't sound like you're a sociopath either.
I actually wonder if it would appease your morbid feelings to experience questions about death or the subject of death & suicide second hand. There's a lot of artwork, literature (both fictional & non) & f8lm about the subject. There's a lot of documentaries about people who've attempted suicide and exactly what they experienced.
The Bridge (2006) is a good watch
Also there's a book called Stiff: The Curious Life of Human Cadavers by Mary Roach. It's actually an amazing, morbid read. It's a research scientist/sociologist who delves into different ways to die & what happens to the human body during death.
What happens when you get decapitated? What happens during a plane crash? Do you stay conscious? What are people's experiences with near death & seeing the afterlife? Does the soul exist? What happens during autopsy & embalming?
It's a KILLER read, pun intended. I was so interested in it. I actually read the plane crash chapter on a plane lol
This might help alleviate your need to explore the ideas about death that make you curious without encouraging you to continue down the road of contemplating suicide.
Even if these are thoughts you don't plan to actualize, they can still be dangerous because they can familiarize you with the idea & desensitize you. Then if you do have a depressive episode, it might seem like a less scary idea. If you think you're close to getting there, I'd seek professional help.
In the mean time, exploring the idea of death & what it is & the human experience...that's a normal fascination that's existed forever, for most people.
It is ok to think about death...not about planning your own suicide.
IIN that I feel like killing myself even though I'm not suicidal?
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You actually do have suicidal ideation though. It means you've specifically planned it in your head, maybe as an exercise in curiosity. It doesn't sound like you're a sociopath either.
I actually wonder if it would appease your morbid feelings to experience questions about death or the subject of death & suicide second hand. There's a lot of artwork, literature (both fictional & non) & f8lm about the subject. There's a lot of documentaries about people who've attempted suicide and exactly what they experienced.
The Bridge (2006) is a good watch
Also there's a book called Stiff: The Curious Life of Human Cadavers by Mary Roach. It's actually an amazing, morbid read. It's a research scientist/sociologist who delves into different ways to die & what happens to the human body during death.
What happens when you get decapitated? What happens during a plane crash? Do you stay conscious? What are people's experiences with near death & seeing the afterlife? Does the soul exist? What happens during autopsy & embalming?
It's a KILLER read, pun intended. I was so interested in it. I actually read the plane crash chapter on a plane lol
This might help alleviate your need to explore the ideas about death that make you curious without encouraging you to continue down the road of contemplating suicide.
Even if these are thoughts you don't plan to actualize, they can still be dangerous because they can familiarize you with the idea & desensitize you. Then if you do have a depressive episode, it might seem like a less scary idea. If you think you're close to getting there, I'd seek professional help.
In the mean time, exploring the idea of death & what it is & the human experience...that's a normal fascination that's existed forever, for most people.
It is ok to think about death...not about planning your own suicide.