Is it normal that i feel like i don't want to love anymore?
First of all, I'd just like to apologise if this is a long post.
Just to get straight to the point, I feel like I don't want to love anyone anymore because it never goes well. I'm 18, I've struggled for many years with making friends and I've pretty much always just been on my own. My family don't support me. My mother has even told me to my face that she's embarressed to call me her son. My dad never gets involved with anything I do and my brother just hates me.
Anyway, that was just a bit of background information. This is the main bit.
Every time I find a girl get on with and end up liking, it turns out she doesn't feel the same way about me or she already has a boyfriend. I've been suffering with depression since late last year. Last year, I was really struggling and constantly hung around on my own when I met a girl at college. We became really close friends and she helped me through a lot. After a while, I began to like her in a more than a friend way. However, she had a boyfriend so I left it. One day, I just managed to find the courage to be honest with her and tell her I liked her but I knew she had a bf and I wouldn't do anything to break them up. I just wanted to be honest because being honest with each other is what we built our friendship around. After I told her, she said it was cute but obviously she has a bf and she loved him a lot. I was fine with all that and wanted to remain friends but she stopped talking to me and blocked me on all social media. It took me a long time to get over that.
Then, I met a girl online who doesn't live too far from me. We've talked online and became really close friends. We get on really well and talk often. I've slowly developed feelings for her. However, in a random conversation last night, I found out she has a boyfriend. She just randomly said he had been annoying her because he's been in a really bad mood all day and won't speak to her. I tried to help her but reading that message saying she has a boyfriend really broke my heart. I cried myself to sleep last night and I feel really depressed right now. Me and her have made plans to meet up after lockdown and I had been thinking about telling her how I feel about her but obviously I can't and won't do that now because I know she has a boyfriend and also I know what happened with the last girl the last time I did that and I don't want to lose her as a friend. I don't know why though but I've been thinking all night and all day so far that I might just never love again because it always ends in heartbreak for me. The way I managed to fall asleep last night is I said to myself it's my last chance and it's this girl or nobody at all, ever.
I just can't bring myself to move on. I'm obviously not going to do anything but I'm willing to try to wait it out and see if they stay together or not. I just don't know what to do. I'm heartbroken.
Please don't be hard on me in the comments
Sorry for the length of this post