Is it normal that i don't exactly hate my abuser?

58% Normal
12 Comments

When I was around seven, my cousin molested me. He was older, and definitely knew what he was doing. I won't go into details. It went on until I was around nine, but then they (his immediate family) moved away to another country. Over the years, I nursed my hatred and loathing towards him. However, when we see each other now (family gatherings and all), I feel nothing towards him. No hate, no loathing. I even crack jokes and play on his XBOX. Is this normal?

By the way, I never reported him to any one. Nobody knows.

Please comment with your opinion, thank you.

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58% Normal
Based on 64 votes (37 yes)
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Comments ( 12 )
  • Anonymous200
    9 years ago | pl

    I think parts of this are normal. It's healthy to heal from abuse, but I'm not sure if having a normal relationship with your abuser is such a good thing.

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  • disthing
    9 years ago

    It's probably far more common than people will admit. It's also probably less damaging for you to have moved on and hold no resentment.

    Sometimes these instances can be chalked up to adolescent sexual experimentation, rather than the actions of a sexual predator and someone who might offend later in life.

    That said, I'd always keep what he did in the back of your mind, just in case there's ever the chance he might do such a thing again. You haven't said how much older he was, but if he was significantly older, his behaviour might be indicative of a sexual disorder rather than just experimentation - in which case he'd be more likely to 'repeat past mistakes' with someone else's kid given the opportunity.

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    • AryaWaters
      9 years ago

      He wasn't too much older than me, only a teenage at the time. However, he did try to do it again, with my little sister.
      I admire her to no end, because she came to me as soon as she felt he was coming onto her, and the whole family knows about that now. She did what I couldn't do. So now they know what he tried to do with her, but not what he did with me.
      In a way, it's kinda my fault. If I had said something, he wouldn't have done it again.

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  • thegypsysailor
    9 years ago

    I can't say if it's normal, but IMO it's extremely healthy. Holding on to a grudge or hatred is very unhealthy and counter productive. You are doing a really good thing for yourself and I respect you for your adult attitude.

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  • Ellenna
    9 years ago

    I don't think this is healthy or strong as people are suggesting: as someone who was in a similar position before the perpetrator died, I also "forgot" about what he'd done when I saw him as an adult in family situations. My late mother, who knew about the abuse, would also "forget" about it at family gatherings to the extent of telling me to kiss him.. This is self-protective behaviour when we're in a situation we can't deal with.

    I'd suggest that even at this late stage, some counselling from someone experienced in this area of abuse would be a very good idea.

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    • AryaWaters
      9 years ago

      But I didn't "forgot". I haven't "forgotten".
      It's more like I forgave. But I won't forget.

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      • Ellenna
        9 years ago

        Sorry if I misunderstood and good on you if you can forgive, I know that does take time and in some instances never happens. After decades of pontificating by many "experts" that abuse survivors must forgive to heal, it's now generally accepted that this is not in fact compulory.

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  • scullyfbi
    9 years ago

    Sounds healthy to me.
    You seem to know what the cousin did was not your own doing.
    Did he threaten you or loved ones with harm if you "told"? If such words were not said-- it might be easier to get over the abuse of power that occurred.

    Still. You say he knew what he was doing? Could it still happen to other youth in the family? Stay aware and protect if needed.

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    • AryaWaters
      9 years ago

      The reason I'm okay now is that I'm an over-thinker. He had told me that (back then) if I refuse him, he'd tell my mom. He made it seem as though it was my fault.

      And again, I'm not 100% okay today, but I'm handling it pretty well.

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  • Terence_the_viking
    9 years ago

    Loathing turns into pity over time.

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    • AryaWaters
      9 years ago

      Definitely.

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  • 213
    9 years ago

    Not normal but you are very strong

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