That's a great theory, valid if I were not an intelligent adult. I have been in long, non-dysfunctional relationships with guys I was physically attracted to and guys who weren't "my type" at all, who I met and was attracted to before I saw them, or when I got to know them as a friend or through a friend. I fell in love with their personalities and that enhanced their looks. None of them were bitter and self-righteous, which is another reason I loved them. Each relationship ended of it's own accord. The dating scene is much different than it was in the past. Men are no longer solely reliant on real encounters with women in real life, where they have to put themselves out there (which requires bravery) with the possibility of rejection. This is the same environment in which several groups of people get judged by appearance, including those who are conventionally "attractive."
With so many opportunities to anonymously search for affirmation from other "real people" (whether or not they are what they say they are), and to be disingenuous in their true commitment to caring for another real person in their lives, it's easy to misbehave even more, for the traditional player/bad boy or the free-love attitude of the hipster young adult crowd. Men can now get their various types of satisfaction through instant gratification websites, approval mechanisms in social media or declarations of defensiveness on a website geared toward helping others by taking opportunities to "get back" at rejections in one's past by scapegoating a contributor who's question riles up old memories of rejection.
I was totally willing to entertain your theory, in theory, but your conclusion unfortunately falls flat since I am still hotly pursued by all types. My problem is not that the good guys are not among them - I'm sure they're "everywhere", like I hear so often. It's just difficult to distinguish the "good guys" from the ones who, apparently maybe used to be, but got too jaded and, through their bitter and incorrect conclusions about others, lost their attractiveness. Especially by appearance, and especially especially by the guidelines of "go for what is NOT attractive to you - that's a good guy for sure!" Because then I would be pursuing an unattractive personality as well, and I've gone down that road enough times thinking there was a good guy at the end, but it turned out to be just some bitter soapbox self-absorbed, out of touch with reality, entitled-feeling, self-imposed loner.
My fear is that the good guys are turning into this type of person more and more often. No wonder so many beautiful women are single!
I love you after reading this. This is an nice and eloquent statement and I do believe there is some truth to it.
I actually was only going to comment to say that my best friend is a nice guy struggling terribly to meet nice girls. Then I read this and am forced to admit that he has fallen prey to this recent social norm.
He is awesome in many ways. Yet he fails because he is almost (very important distinction there) too scared to approach women and sometimes I hear the whining and complaining about how women only like bad-boys. At which point I give him a verbal whipping and tell him that the so-called bad boys only get the luck because they get out there and talk to girls. He agrees and yet he is still terrified of the damage done by rejection and silence. I have witnessed how coldly women have reacted to his attempts at online contact. I feel for him. He deserves better, but I continue to encourage him to develop, be braver and try more often.
So I suppose my advice to you is do your absolute best to look kind and approachable so that these types of guys who are too accustomed to being rejected might actually get the courage to talk to you. It would also help if you initiate conversation with the quiet guys. You never know what personality might be revealed when they start to feel more secure.
Is it normal that I can't find these so-called good guys?
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That's a great theory, valid if I were not an intelligent adult. I have been in long, non-dysfunctional relationships with guys I was physically attracted to and guys who weren't "my type" at all, who I met and was attracted to before I saw them, or when I got to know them as a friend or through a friend. I fell in love with their personalities and that enhanced their looks. None of them were bitter and self-righteous, which is another reason I loved them. Each relationship ended of it's own accord. The dating scene is much different than it was in the past. Men are no longer solely reliant on real encounters with women in real life, where they have to put themselves out there (which requires bravery) with the possibility of rejection. This is the same environment in which several groups of people get judged by appearance, including those who are conventionally "attractive."
With so many opportunities to anonymously search for affirmation from other "real people" (whether or not they are what they say they are), and to be disingenuous in their true commitment to caring for another real person in their lives, it's easy to misbehave even more, for the traditional player/bad boy or the free-love attitude of the hipster young adult crowd. Men can now get their various types of satisfaction through instant gratification websites, approval mechanisms in social media or declarations of defensiveness on a website geared toward helping others by taking opportunities to "get back" at rejections in one's past by scapegoating a contributor who's question riles up old memories of rejection.
I was totally willing to entertain your theory, in theory, but your conclusion unfortunately falls flat since I am still hotly pursued by all types. My problem is not that the good guys are not among them - I'm sure they're "everywhere", like I hear so often. It's just difficult to distinguish the "good guys" from the ones who, apparently maybe used to be, but got too jaded and, through their bitter and incorrect conclusions about others, lost their attractiveness. Especially by appearance, and especially especially by the guidelines of "go for what is NOT attractive to you - that's a good guy for sure!" Because then I would be pursuing an unattractive personality as well, and I've gone down that road enough times thinking there was a good guy at the end, but it turned out to be just some bitter soapbox self-absorbed, out of touch with reality, entitled-feeling, self-imposed loner.
My fear is that the good guys are turning into this type of person more and more often. No wonder so many beautiful women are single!
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Hayze
9 years ago
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I love you after reading this. This is an nice and eloquent statement and I do believe there is some truth to it.
I actually was only going to comment to say that my best friend is a nice guy struggling terribly to meet nice girls. Then I read this and am forced to admit that he has fallen prey to this recent social norm.
He is awesome in many ways. Yet he fails because he is almost (very important distinction there) too scared to approach women and sometimes I hear the whining and complaining about how women only like bad-boys. At which point I give him a verbal whipping and tell him that the so-called bad boys only get the luck because they get out there and talk to girls. He agrees and yet he is still terrified of the damage done by rejection and silence. I have witnessed how coldly women have reacted to his attempts at online contact. I feel for him. He deserves better, but I continue to encourage him to develop, be braver and try more often.
So I suppose my advice to you is do your absolute best to look kind and approachable so that these types of guys who are too accustomed to being rejected might actually get the courage to talk to you. It would also help if you initiate conversation with the quiet guys. You never know what personality might be revealed when they start to feel more secure.