Is it normal that i’m unhealthily jealous of one of my friends?

I guess I can relate.. Partially

Years back I became friends with my best friends. They were great. I don't know that I would use the word 'jealous' but I did definetley notice how much better they seemed to be at everything than me

They were in school clubs, everyone knew them and loved them, they played sports and we're actually really good at them, they were really funny and always made everyone laugh without even trying, they were great at being social and could talk easily to just about anyone, they had naturally good features, beautiful long hair, cool clothes, great personalities, we're genuinely kind, so many people had crushes on them, they actually had people who asked to dance with them at the prom, had relationships, the best grades, scholarships, normal families, stable living situations...they just seemed to have it all in my eyes

And there I was just this broken person just blowing in the wind through life struggling to hang on, not knowing who I was, not knowing what I wanted to do in life, coming from a family that was falling apart, getting kicked out of places we lived because we didn't have the same income to survive off of once my parents split up, having grades that were falling, having no scholarships and not even knowing which school I wanted to go to, having no one at school really care about me or talk to me or like me, gaining more weight than the other girls at school, feeling ugly and worthless, becoming depressing and having a bit of a cold outlook on life

Not really sure how to put it all in words other than there just seemed to be a huge noticeable difference between us that just made me sad when I would think about it

Do to my families unstable living situations I ended up being very far apart from them and only being able to see them maybe once a year for a while

During that time my life fell apart even more till I reach the lowest I've ever been. In that lonely and depressed, tragic time, I kinda had an 'awakening' I guess you can call it

It was after a failed suicide attempt that I became silent and would just sit/lay in bed and stare at the walls crying and think about my life and what went wrong in it

This went on for months

The more time I had alone with myself and thinking about life, myself, the things I wanted out of life, the things I wanted to improve on, the things I wish would change... I don't know how to describe it. It's kinda like how people have New Years Resolutions except for me it was never "I want this so I'm gonna do this!" it was just unspoken dreams and desires that were only ever thought about in the way of "that could never happen to me" or "I can never do that" or "things are probably gonna stay like this forever and I'll always be unhappy and worthless"

But I guess I didn't know that in those moments, just me thinking about it, was answering questions and adressing issues that had sat with me all my life that I had always(without really knowing it) just pushed aside and ignored

And by answering those questions and addressing those issues it was like the first step of a healing process without me being aware of it

Time continued to go on and I feel like I've become a better person inside and out

I have a brighter outlook on life, I really try to enjoy life now and laugh and joke around more(people actually consider me one of the funiest people they know now! I was really shocked by that!), I also started to exercise and eat healthier and loss weight(also do to some health issues that are too long to go into here), I also learned what things made my acne act up so I can avoid them now and not have a bruised swollen face all the time, I've taken time to find and work on things that make me happy in life and as it turns out I can build insane stuff! I've also learned to dance! It's something I've always wished I could do but was always too scared to do since I didn't want to make a fool of myself in front of everyone but once I tried I actually picked it up fairly quick! I also sing!(another thing I was too scared to give a try before). I've also become a stronger person emotionally and have more courage to stand up for myself now than I did back then

I just feel great these days

That's not to say my life is perfect now though ..since I'm still mostly a drifter just trying to make it through life. But at least I know now what things make me happy and what I'm passionate about and those things make me a more happy, optimistic, and passionate person

I don't feel lost anymore. At least not in the same way as before(i still feel like I got more I need to figure out though)

I'm not the same broken, sad, messed up girl I was all those years ago and I think that's what's made me become more likable now

I still got plenty of flaws but I'm not too hung up over them as I used to be. Nor am I as hung up with thoughts of how much better others are at things than I am as I used to be

Aside from that though..

Now that me and my friends are older, i've learned that there lives haven't been as great as I thought they were back then

They've had family issues going on, enemies issues, insecurity issues, health issues, financial issues. They've just had a lot going on. ..Like any human I guess.

But at that young age I never thought to peak behind the curtain and see what was going on in the background

Sometimes the issue of jealousy or seeing someone close to you as this perfect being can be fixed by improving on yourself. Not improving because you want validation from those around you, but TRULY improving from the deepest pits of your heart.
(it's like giving to the homeless. Are you giving because your on camera?/being watched?/want to look good?/want people to praise you? Or are you doing it because you genuinely care about giving to/saving the life in front of you?)

But improvement takes being aware of what actually needs improving and finding the root cause of why those issues exist in the first place
(think of it like addiction. The first step to getting better is admitting there's a problem. Keep going. How did it become a problem? What do you need to do to fix it? Are you willing to endure the battle ahead of you?)

Sometimes the issue of jealousy/seeing someone as a perfect being can be fixed by simply asking to take a peak behind the curtain and seeing what they're dealing with and humanise them a bit more
(think of it like celebrities. They're idolised and seen as perfect in appearance, talent, friend circles, fashion, lifestyle, and admired by many, but once the unglamorous comes out, you realise how 'just like you' they really are)

It's a complex topic I suppose

Jealousy is normal to some extent, but not to the extent its "unhealthy". Anyway try to be happy with what you have, life is short, live it up.

maybe find some new people to hang out. I am not saying ditch your friend I am saying to try to find people that will appreciate you more.

Don't compare yourself to anyone, but your past self.

You're trying to measure yourself against someone you perceive as being perfect. Everyone has flaws even if you can't see them. Maybe she's got hammer toes? Regardless, stop beating yourself up. We're all damaged in some way. Just live your life and try to enjoy yourself. If other people think less of you, F em.

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