Oh. If your experience was awkward, then I can see why he would pretend like it didn't happen, or whatever. But, what about the build up, prior to, and the let down afterwards?
He has gained something if you're thinking, worrying, confused, and/or feel sorry for him. That's what manipulation is. He has your attention. It's your energy expenditure. If you aren't spending it positively, why do you want to keep spending it?
You are thinking too hard. You are thinking from your own emotional perspective (we women do that). I can guarantee you, he doesn't perceive himself the way you perceive him. You view him like he's some weak, emotionally stunted, needy creature. Haha, no. He's a man. Men are more simple than women. They are either "there", or not. Don't try to speculate why a behavior is happening. They don't understand us. We don't understand them.
I don't think your naive. I think your judging the situation from your own perceptive, which has no vantage. You think he's vulnerable, has low self-esteem, guilty and humiliated. Why are you perceiving him this way? Try this, when you find yourself judging him, replace his name with "I". Repeat what ever judgement you had from first person; does it resonate with you? Do YOU really feel those things?
Friendships don't start this way. Friendships aren't based on pity. You maybe setting yourself up for codependency. He doesn't need you. You need you. You're turning your back on yourself if you submit to this.
Absolutely do not reward him. Waste of time. Waste of money. Get yourself a gift.
Thank you! I'm definitely not giving him the present now. What you've wrote is true guidance. Once again, thank you.
I'm left feeling extremely uncertain of how to make my peace with him. This is something that NEEDS to happen. It's extremely important that we are friends, because we are together in a small ensemble, working in a professional theatre. The nature of our work is intimate, and cannot be impaired by emotional conflict.
This is what I don't understand.
He was having an apparently deep relationship with a girl on the course, who graduated the year I arrived. I know nothing about how it ended between them, but they split up. He has a son with her, and I have heard they were going to get married. My guess is that SHE left HIM.
He KNEW when we first met that we were going to be working together for a year. How could he be so reckless and selfish? I'm really struggling to understand that.
I have been very strong in all this, but I am wounded in my heart. I feel I need to tell him how I feel so I can move on properly, especially in view of the fact that we've started talking again 9after such a long time of ignoring each other). Sometimes he's so rude to me, and I have sat there keeping my cool, refusing to give him a reaction. But what I really want to do is turn to him and say "Who the fuck are you to be rude to me you ass hole? You know what you've done, now be a man and deal with it!!"
Believe it or not, he isn't rejecting you. What people seemingly "do" to you has nothing to do with you. It's just who they are being. On the flip side, what you feel has nothing to do with what's happening "to" you. It's just how you feel about **the way** you perceive things that are happening. Do you ever notice how the things that you don't care about effect you? They don't effect you. He isn't rejecting you. It's not personal. He is just being who he is, and who he is (for whatever reason) hurts you.
Anyway, don't try to understand. It's okay to not understand. You will never, ever, ever, truly understand anyone but yourself, because you'll never live in their body. You won't see life through their experiences. Many of us don't even understand ourselves...most of us don't. haha.
Being confused, hurt, anxious, angry (fucking anger) is okay. Dude. It's okay to feel the way you do. It's okay if you are never friends with him. You can be productive associates without a friendship.
This is becoming less about him and more about you. [I almost inserted a personal story but it was too long lol]. The moral of my would be anecdote is that: we allow people to treat us the way we treat ourselves and feel we deserve to be treated. You may THINK you don't deserve what *seems to* have happened , but in all honestly, it appears that you're trying to hold on. I don't think you FEEL that you deserve better than him. No one can explore what's going on a deeper level, in you. Only you can. I can preach so much self-help gospel but, it means nothing if it's not truly heard.
I think you should stop struggling to understand. I think you should listen to yourself. I think you should verbalize (out loud) what you wanted him to give/do/be in your life (attention, protection, listening, laughter, etc). THEN, direct that statement from yourself towards yourself. Hear yourself, and DO THOSE THINGS. I developed this technique recently, trying to get over a crush.
I guarantee that when you become less emotionally invested (less confused) you'll want to puke because of the all time wasted on this. That's a joke. Accept what's come to be because it's another story in your life that will shape and mold, so that you can *level up*.
Girl. You're currently dodging a bullet. A torpedo, even. He put his cock in something that he couldn't sustain. His son has a mother that makes bad decisions, and a father that is emotionally unavailable (if even physically available). Why are your expectations so high? YOU. ARE. TOO. YOUNG. FOR. BABY. MAMA. DRAMA. He is a little problem in your life. You'll move on from this. His life is riddled with major issues that won't go away. You are not anywhere on his priority list, in light of this new information. I would be thankful not to be on his radar. You think he's giving you shit but...imagine at all the REAL shit he gave his baby mama.
You. Pat yourself on the back and be grateful and thankful you didn't sign yourself up for eternity with him. It could have been you. It can always be you.
Oh god. I can't believe how long this is. I don't know. You'll realize soon that this is a non-problem and you have a big life in front of you.
Believe it or not, he isn't rejecting you. What people seemingly "do" to you has nothing to do with you. It's just who they are being. On the flip side, what you feel has nothing to do with what's happening "to" you. It's just how you feel about **the way** you perceive things that are happening. Do you ever notice how the things that you don't care about effect you? They don't effect you. He isn't rejecting you. It's not personal. He is just being who he is, and who he is (for whatever reason) hurts you.
Anyway, don't try to understand. It's okay to not understand. You will never, ever, ever, truly understand anyone but yourself, because you'll never live in their body. You won't see life through their experiences. Many of us don't even understand ourselves...most of us don't. haha.
Being confused, hurt, anxious, angry (fucking anger) is okay. Dude. It's okay to feel the way you do. It's okay if you are never friends with him. You can be productive associates without a friendship.
This is becoming less about him and more about you. [I almost inserted a personal story but it was too long lol]. The moral of my would be anecdote is that: we allow people to treat us the way we treat ourselves and feel we deserve to be treated. You may THINK you don't deserve what *seems to* have happened , but in all honestly, it appears that you're trying to hold on. I don't think you FEEL that you deserve better than him. No one can explore what's going on a deeper level, in you. Only you can. I can preach so much self-help gospel but, it means nothing if it's not truly heard.
I think you should stop struggling to understand. I think you should listen to yourself. I think you should verbalize (out loud) what you wanted him to give/do/be in your life (attention, protection, listening, laughter, etc). THEN, direct that statement from yourself towards yourself. Hear yourself, and DO THOSE THINGS. I developed this technique recently, trying to get over a crush.
But...I'm going to get concrete with you.
Girl. You're currently dodging a bullet. A torpedo, even. He put his cock in something that he couldn't sustain. His son has a mother that makes bad decisions, and a father that is emotionally unavailable (if even physically available). Why are your expectations so high? YOU. ARE. TOO. YOUNG. FOR. BABY. MAMA. DRAMA. He is a little problem in your life. You'll move on from this. His life is riddled with major issues that won't go away. You are not anywhere on his priority list, in light of this new information. I would be thankful not to be on his radar. You think he's giving you shit but...imagine at all the REAL shit he gave his baby mama.
You. Pat yourself on the back and be grateful and thankful you didn't sign yourself up for eternity with him. It could have been you. It can always be you.
Oh god. I can't believe how long this is. I don't know. You'll realize soon that this is a non-problem and you have a big life in front of you.
Once again, great advice and I thank you sincerely. You're by far the most intelligent and helpful person on this post (I need not mention the very bizarre, abusive "Dragon Queen" who has accused me of hating men and having a case of the blue pussy). Returning to the point, I agree I'm not his priority. I don't believe I ever was. It felt as if he was serious about me for a while, but now I'm not so sure. I do ABSOLUTELY deserve better.
It's difficult for me to have to accept that it may have all been, for him, some sort of catharsis without any genuine feeling for me. And you're right, the truth is I am holding on, but not for love or even a deep bond. It's just who I am. I'm either somebody's friend or somebody's enemy, I can't seem to go half way. I guess it's my way of forgiving him his wrongs, and myself my lack of caution. Because I was as reckless as he was. He told me at the very beginning that he had a son, and that he was terrified of having genuine feelings for a woman again. I was warned, by none other then him himself. Don't get me wrong, it's not as if I didn't listen. But my feelings for him had 99.9% of my attention then.
Still...he is 27 and after having a child, he ought to have some sense of responsibility and maturity. I'll never forget some of things he and I spoke about. I really can't believe he was being insincere. He just doesn't seem an insincere person-totally and completely fucked up, yes, but not insincere.
Everything you've said is 100% true, and I'm very grateful for the advice you've given me. It's amazing that somebody I've never even met, and who I know nothing about, can be so compassionate and benign to a stranger. I imagine you're an extremely decent human being. I'm rambling, it's all a long way round to saying thank you!
Yeah, he was very serious about pounding through the stages of emotional intimacy. You can only trust what people do consistently, over time.
I trust that you will learn from this. Just...start being friendly with more guys. A lot more guys. You need some perspective. Only men know the minds of men; male friends will inadvertently disclose information about their nature. He may not be insincere. He is just a vortex of confusion. There's nothing you can do except avoid being pulled into the chaos. He warned you. And, what he meant when he said that he is afraid is that...he is unavailable. He's not going to magically open up to you. It's not your place to judge what someone should or shouldn't be or do. You can only control yourself. If someone pushes your boundaries, you assert and desist. Letting go is an act of love. (I'm not really convinced you have solid boundaries yet)
The human ego...is a very fragile creature. So, you fall down, scrape your knee, and cry a little. How long do you intend being down there, thinking about how it happened, what happened, or why it happened to you? The ego can be down there for decades. Decades spent rationalizing, rejecting, judging, revisiting, protecting, etc.
Is it normal that he's treating me this way?
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Oh. If your experience was awkward, then I can see why he would pretend like it didn't happen, or whatever. But, what about the build up, prior to, and the let down afterwards?
He has gained something if you're thinking, worrying, confused, and/or feel sorry for him. That's what manipulation is. He has your attention. It's your energy expenditure. If you aren't spending it positively, why do you want to keep spending it?
You are thinking too hard. You are thinking from your own emotional perspective (we women do that). I can guarantee you, he doesn't perceive himself the way you perceive him. You view him like he's some weak, emotionally stunted, needy creature. Haha, no. He's a man. Men are more simple than women. They are either "there", or not. Don't try to speculate why a behavior is happening. They don't understand us. We don't understand them.
I don't think your naive. I think your judging the situation from your own perceptive, which has no vantage. You think he's vulnerable, has low self-esteem, guilty and humiliated. Why are you perceiving him this way? Try this, when you find yourself judging him, replace his name with "I". Repeat what ever judgement you had from first person; does it resonate with you? Do YOU really feel those things?
Friendships don't start this way. Friendships aren't based on pity. You maybe setting yourself up for codependency. He doesn't need you. You need you. You're turning your back on yourself if you submit to this.
Absolutely do not reward him. Waste of time. Waste of money. Get yourself a gift.
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PsycheSlang
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Thank you! I'm definitely not giving him the present now. What you've wrote is true guidance. Once again, thank you.
I'm left feeling extremely uncertain of how to make my peace with him. This is something that NEEDS to happen. It's extremely important that we are friends, because we are together in a small ensemble, working in a professional theatre. The nature of our work is intimate, and cannot be impaired by emotional conflict.
This is what I don't understand.
He was having an apparently deep relationship with a girl on the course, who graduated the year I arrived. I know nothing about how it ended between them, but they split up. He has a son with her, and I have heard they were going to get married. My guess is that SHE left HIM.
He KNEW when we first met that we were going to be working together for a year. How could he be so reckless and selfish? I'm really struggling to understand that.
I have been very strong in all this, but I am wounded in my heart. I feel I need to tell him how I feel so I can move on properly, especially in view of the fact that we've started talking again 9after such a long time of ignoring each other). Sometimes he's so rude to me, and I have sat there keeping my cool, refusing to give him a reaction. But what I really want to do is turn to him and say "Who the fuck are you to be rude to me you ass hole? You know what you've done, now be a man and deal with it!!"
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youareaghost
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PsycheSlang
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He doesn't want your idiotic present. He want's your flat boyish ass! You barbaric fool!
I know that feel, bro.
Believe it or not, he isn't rejecting you. What people seemingly "do" to you has nothing to do with you. It's just who they are being. On the flip side, what you feel has nothing to do with what's happening "to" you. It's just how you feel about **the way** you perceive things that are happening. Do you ever notice how the things that you don't care about effect you? They don't effect you. He isn't rejecting you. It's not personal. He is just being who he is, and who he is (for whatever reason) hurts you.
Anyway, don't try to understand. It's okay to not understand. You will never, ever, ever, truly understand anyone but yourself, because you'll never live in their body. You won't see life through their experiences. Many of us don't even understand ourselves...most of us don't. haha.
Being confused, hurt, anxious, angry (fucking anger) is okay. Dude. It's okay to feel the way you do. It's okay if you are never friends with him. You can be productive associates without a friendship.
This is becoming less about him and more about you. [I almost inserted a personal story but it was too long lol]. The moral of my would be anecdote is that: we allow people to treat us the way we treat ourselves and feel we deserve to be treated. You may THINK you don't deserve what *seems to* have happened , but in all honestly, it appears that you're trying to hold on. I don't think you FEEL that you deserve better than him. No one can explore what's going on a deeper level, in you. Only you can. I can preach so much self-help gospel but, it means nothing if it's not truly heard.
I think you should stop struggling to understand. I think you should listen to yourself. I think you should verbalize (out loud) what you wanted him to give/do/be in your life (attention, protection, listening, laughter, etc). THEN, direct that statement from yourself towards yourself. Hear yourself, and DO THOSE THINGS. I developed this technique recently, trying to get over a crush.
I guarantee that when you become less emotionally invested (less confused) you'll want to puke because of the all time wasted on this. That's a joke. Accept what's come to be because it's another story in your life that will shape and mold, so that you can *level up*.
Girl. You're currently dodging a bullet. A torpedo, even. He put his cock in something that he couldn't sustain. His son has a mother that makes bad decisions, and a father that is emotionally unavailable (if even physically available). Why are your expectations so high? YOU. ARE. TOO. YOUNG. FOR. BABY. MAMA. DRAMA. He is a little problem in your life. You'll move on from this. His life is riddled with major issues that won't go away. You are not anywhere on his priority list, in light of this new information. I would be thankful not to be on his radar. You think he's giving you shit but...imagine at all the REAL shit he gave his baby mama.
You. Pat yourself on the back and be grateful and thankful you didn't sign yourself up for eternity with him. It could have been you. It can always be you.
Oh god. I can't believe how long this is. I don't know. You'll realize soon that this is a non-problem and you have a big life in front of you.
I know that feel, bro.
Believe it or not, he isn't rejecting you. What people seemingly "do" to you has nothing to do with you. It's just who they are being. On the flip side, what you feel has nothing to do with what's happening "to" you. It's just how you feel about **the way** you perceive things that are happening. Do you ever notice how the things that you don't care about effect you? They don't effect you. He isn't rejecting you. It's not personal. He is just being who he is, and who he is (for whatever reason) hurts you.
Anyway, don't try to understand. It's okay to not understand. You will never, ever, ever, truly understand anyone but yourself, because you'll never live in their body. You won't see life through their experiences. Many of us don't even understand ourselves...most of us don't. haha.
Being confused, hurt, anxious, angry (fucking anger) is okay. Dude. It's okay to feel the way you do. It's okay if you are never friends with him. You can be productive associates without a friendship.
This is becoming less about him and more about you. [I almost inserted a personal story but it was too long lol]. The moral of my would be anecdote is that: we allow people to treat us the way we treat ourselves and feel we deserve to be treated. You may THINK you don't deserve what *seems to* have happened , but in all honestly, it appears that you're trying to hold on. I don't think you FEEL that you deserve better than him. No one can explore what's going on a deeper level, in you. Only you can. I can preach so much self-help gospel but, it means nothing if it's not truly heard.
I think you should stop struggling to understand. I think you should listen to yourself. I think you should verbalize (out loud) what you wanted him to give/do/be in your life (attention, protection, listening, laughter, etc). THEN, direct that statement from yourself towards yourself. Hear yourself, and DO THOSE THINGS. I developed this technique recently, trying to get over a crush.
But...I'm going to get concrete with you.
Girl. You're currently dodging a bullet. A torpedo, even. He put his cock in something that he couldn't sustain. His son has a mother that makes bad decisions, and a father that is emotionally unavailable (if even physically available). Why are your expectations so high? YOU. ARE. TOO. YOUNG. FOR. BABY. MAMA. DRAMA. He is a little problem in your life. You'll move on from this. His life is riddled with major issues that won't go away. You are not anywhere on his priority list, in light of this new information. I would be thankful not to be on his radar. You think he's giving you shit but...imagine at all the REAL shit he gave his baby mama.
You. Pat yourself on the back and be grateful and thankful you didn't sign yourself up for eternity with him. It could have been you. It can always be you.
Oh god. I can't believe how long this is. I don't know. You'll realize soon that this is a non-problem and you have a big life in front of you.
--
PsycheSlang
9 years ago
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Once again, great advice and I thank you sincerely. You're by far the most intelligent and helpful person on this post (I need not mention the very bizarre, abusive "Dragon Queen" who has accused me of hating men and having a case of the blue pussy). Returning to the point, I agree I'm not his priority. I don't believe I ever was. It felt as if he was serious about me for a while, but now I'm not so sure. I do ABSOLUTELY deserve better.
It's difficult for me to have to accept that it may have all been, for him, some sort of catharsis without any genuine feeling for me. And you're right, the truth is I am holding on, but not for love or even a deep bond. It's just who I am. I'm either somebody's friend or somebody's enemy, I can't seem to go half way. I guess it's my way of forgiving him his wrongs, and myself my lack of caution. Because I was as reckless as he was. He told me at the very beginning that he had a son, and that he was terrified of having genuine feelings for a woman again. I was warned, by none other then him himself. Don't get me wrong, it's not as if I didn't listen. But my feelings for him had 99.9% of my attention then.
Still...he is 27 and after having a child, he ought to have some sense of responsibility and maturity. I'll never forget some of things he and I spoke about. I really can't believe he was being insincere. He just doesn't seem an insincere person-totally and completely fucked up, yes, but not insincere.
Everything you've said is 100% true, and I'm very grateful for the advice you've given me. It's amazing that somebody I've never even met, and who I know nothing about, can be so compassionate and benign to a stranger. I imagine you're an extremely decent human being. I'm rambling, it's all a long way round to saying thank you!
Any more tips for dealing with this?
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youareaghost
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They are just trolling.
Yeah, he was very serious about pounding through the stages of emotional intimacy. You can only trust what people do consistently, over time.
I trust that you will learn from this. Just...start being friendly with more guys. A lot more guys. You need some perspective. Only men know the minds of men; male friends will inadvertently disclose information about their nature. He may not be insincere. He is just a vortex of confusion. There's nothing you can do except avoid being pulled into the chaos. He warned you. And, what he meant when he said that he is afraid is that...he is unavailable. He's not going to magically open up to you. It's not your place to judge what someone should or shouldn't be or do. You can only control yourself. If someone pushes your boundaries, you assert and desist. Letting go is an act of love. (I'm not really convinced you have solid boundaries yet)
The human ego...is a very fragile creature. So, you fall down, scrape your knee, and cry a little. How long do you intend being down there, thinking about how it happened, what happened, or why it happened to you? The ego can be down there for decades. Decades spent rationalizing, rejecting, judging, revisiting, protecting, etc.
You have the master control. Good luck.
'Scuse my grammar mistakes!