Is it normal not to want to have sex as a 23-yo virgin guy?

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I've fallen for three girls since 19, and each time the experience has gotten more and more intense. I met a girl last summer and realize now I fell in love at first sight. I stopped sleeping, doing work, woke up shouting in the night , had heart palpitations, high blood pressure, unable to concentrate, dry heaving when I thought she didn't like me. I even charged $1200 to my credit card for fast food as a way to drown out the pain. The feelings are almost undiminished 18 months later.

I have no real interest in having sex with anyone outside the context of a romantic relationship. Many of my friends think I'm either gay or asexual because I don't have any interest in girls that I don't love. There's something gross and impure about casual sex even if it's with a really hot girl. For me the desire isn't even there; I don't even get crushes: it's like my personality is all-or-nothing. Without love I probably couldnt even get aroused. Even when I masturbate to porn there's something depraved about the act and something empty about the images (i.e., lack of affection, brutalization of sex, like the guy is using the girl's body to masturbate).

I have no interest in casual dating either because somehow I know instantly whether I love someone or not. I am disturbed by some of my peers' ability to have sex with someone they don't love or sometimes even know, as if you asked them to pass the salt. Some of them change relationships like they change shirts and believe romantic love was something invented by the Troubadors in 15th Century France. They think my experiences are exaggerations and embellishments. They have no problem sleeping with someone who loves them but doesn't love in return. In essence, they don't have any problem breaking someones heart.

I was thinking that perhaps a person's appetite for sex evolves once they become sexually active, in the same way you don't automatically know how to masturbate, but discover a nice sensation and finds ways to make the experience better through experimentation. This is the only way I can explain the motivations for high schoolers having sex.

Are my feelings normal?

Is It Normal?
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  • zenji
    11 years ago | pl

    I tried to look up the term for the way you describe yourself, but couldn't find it. There really is one, I've seen it somewhere. A person incapable of casual sex. What a nice way to be. You connect your sexuality with love and affection, and nothing else, it seems. What's wrong with that?? NOTHING. My understanding of sexual orientations and preferences, are that they're pretty much set early in life, or some, like straightness, or gayness, are often a 'born that way' scenario.. I hope you find someone, you could socialize without dating, certainly, and meet someone just right for you.

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  • iwannaanswerquestions
    11 years ago | pl

    Oh my god dude you're just like me! I feel the same way as you man, I've considered casual sex, but something about the first time not really being romantic feels... empty ya know? In short, you're completely normal. In fact a lot of girls find it sweet (: just wait for your time. When you feel it you feel it ya know? Just don't put pressure on yourself, I'd suggest going on dates though. You can't find miss right if you're not willing to look. Good luck to you (:

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