Please don't feel guilty or afraid for having feelings. They are what they are, and with time and therapy, I hope you will be able to access them.
I'm also really sorry to hear that you may develop schizophrenia; I know that it can be an awful mental illness to suffer from. What's good is that you're getting help. The first part in making progress is being honest with yourself and seeking out others who are able to support you as you need. It takes a lot of courage, especially for someone who has had so much difficulty expressing their feelings as you, to even talk to someone about it. For this, I admire you strongly. You're on the road to progress, and even though schizophrenia is your worst fear, you can fight against it.
IIN my greatest fear is becoming a reality and I don't know what to do
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Please don't feel guilty or afraid for having feelings. They are what they are, and with time and therapy, I hope you will be able to access them.
I'm also really sorry to hear that you may develop schizophrenia; I know that it can be an awful mental illness to suffer from. What's good is that you're getting help. The first part in making progress is being honest with yourself and seeking out others who are able to support you as you need. It takes a lot of courage, especially for someone who has had so much difficulty expressing their feelings as you, to even talk to someone about it. For this, I admire you strongly. You're on the road to progress, and even though schizophrenia is your worst fear, you can fight against it.