Is it normal my boyfriend is always distracted & always wants time alone?

Hi guys. My boyfriend is almost constantly busy/distracted doing his projects etc. I get it, I am very busy too, but I make time for ones I love. He WILL text me goodnight daily, & sometimes updates throughout day, but when we finally get together there’s no additional affection, just assumes I’ll come over etc. We sit & look at his projects & there is no “leisure” time.

If I come watch his projects, he’ll tolerate seeing me for 2-3 times a week. If it’s anything else, dinner etc., we’ll spend one evening together then he won’t ask to see me for another week. He is genuinely busy & distracted on projects.

I will ask him to come do stuff on weekends but he never wants to come, he is too distracted/busy. When I come with him places, we are just running his errands.

There’s not MUCH affection & im always getting him gifts, saying thoughtful things about his projects, but feel like he is always distracted & I’m not getting anything in return. I always look nice & ive never been complimented once.

It’s getting to the point where I feel so incredibly distant from him. He will go on vacations w/out me but I find out he was working the whole time. My trust/affection is pretty much broken & it’s hard. I stoped trying recently & got distant & he brought up that I haven’t been as affectionate

Am I being way too emotional or are most guys like this? I know guys are the “workhorses”. How can I get reciprocal affection?

Is It Normal?
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  • This is just how he is. It probably won't change. You don't come first in his world.

    My husband did one those degrees that you devote your life too, and now his job is very all consuming. He has to work very hard and doesn't have much free time. He still makes a huge effort to spend time with me and the children, and he doesn't need prompting to do this. He wants to. He has other hobbies and interests but he has reduced the amount of time that he spends on them because he misses his family. I didn't push him to do that. It's what he wants.

    I remember when my husband and I were just dating and we both had to go away for work, as we often did. We realised I had to leave the day that he got back, so we wouldn't see each other for almost a month. We timed our flights so that he could wait for me at the airport train station. He had a bunch of cheap station flowers for me. We had nasty cheap coffee and kissed a lot. Then I jumped on the train to get my flight.

    People make choices. Anybody can make some quality time for you, if they really want to.

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  • He sounds introverted and workaholic. You need to communicate and find some middle ground, maybe try couples counseling. You should find a shared hobby as well, something you're both willing to try to get invested in together as a couple. If he is not willing to make any adjustments what so ever then i'm afraid it's not going to last.

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  • Maybe, just maybe he's not the the one for you. Fuck his stupid projects! Perhaps it would do you a world of good if you found your own projects to work on instead of wasting your time pretending to be interested in his bullshit. It sounds to me like this so called relationship you are involved in is a one way street, and that's no good. Start out small, and tell him the next time he wants you to to checkout his projects, or whatever that you can't come, because you're doing a girls' night with a friend, or attending a lecture at a local community college, or whatever. Don't waste your money buying presents for him when it isn't his birthday, or Christmas. Don't put so much effort into him, he doesn't deserve you effort, and energy, because it isn't reciprocal.

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  • Communicate with him. You've got to tell him all of this.

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    • Thanks. I did. Not much has changed seems we are both introverts or he doesn’t know what to do. Maybe I wasn’t direct enough. This is really hard for me

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      • I'm kinda the same way, though I do try to make sure my girlfriend feels loved by me. I'm not too good at human affection but I try. I'm not saying you are in the wrong. I'm just saying that guys like that might be focusing too much on the bigger picture rather than the relationships you have to constantly maintain.

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        • I tootally agree. Thanks for this comment. This is also his first real relationship too, so I think he's still real focused on his life/being a young man. It's def hard to explain to him, but I'm trying not to nag. I'll try to be clearer. Thanks again lol.

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  • In most situations like this he feels that he is adequately communicating with you... and you feel that you are adequately communicating with him; and you are both wrong.

    Thus your love tanks never properly fill up or are refilled.

    I suggest that you get 2 copies of "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.

    You both need to read it, and determine each of your love languages. Then learn how to please the other.

    This book has saved more relationships than almost all of the other books combined. Gary Chapman really discovered a fundamental truth about relationships.

    The book will also likely tell you why many of your past relationships failed (assuming there was not a basic dishonesty issue).

    Now each of you will likely read the book at different rates. That is fine, as long as each of you gets though it within a couple weeks.

    If he refuses to read the book... I suggest that you move on. Find someone who will read the book.

    When I shared the book with the Lady who became my wife her reaction was: Wow! There's a real chance at making this work (we've been married 9.5 years now and are very much in love with full love tanks).

    I wish you the best with this,

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    • Ahh, this is great! I feel it is too late to give him this ;'((( I truly feel so bad. I am so shy so I wish I could easily suggest this.

      The tank metaphor...is the most accurate thing I've heard! This is truly the situation

      Thank you so much. I'm going to try.. Thanks for your blessings! <3

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      • Please let me know what you think of the book after you've read it and if it helped the situation and your future.

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      • Your welcome.

        It's never to late to try to fix a relationship...

        Learn to truly love, have fun, and become prosperous!

        I believe in you,

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  • he got something else on the side

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  • He should be paying you back for all the gifts he got you, but other than that, normal.

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  • I don't think that relationship is gonna last and its not ideal to stay if you constantly feel like there is missing something from it and maybe feel its unfair you are always doing more. I can get that he is busy and maybe also tired so he doesn't feel like being social, but without actually spending quality time together from time to time, there just isn't much foundation for a relationship. If I was actually too busy for that I would just conclude a relationship doesn't fit into my life.

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    • This was absolutely incredible. No I completely agree. The foundation is needed. I feel like I only know him on a surface level. He, on the other hand, says he feels we spend plenty of time together. I think the key word is quality, feels surface level to me.
      Thank you for this answer it really helped me. I agree

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  • Im married and also work a lot it causes arguments sometimes we have had the same issues. It must be worse since you dont live with him. If you lived with him you'd atleast get to see him inbetween his work and before he sleeps. If my wife didnt live with me we would only be able to see eachother on the weekends.

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