What stands out to me is your positivity. You've been through more than anyone should reasonably go through, and it would be understandable for you to go under. But look at the language of your post. You describe your relationship as wonderful for the most part. You talk about your issues and say that in dealing with them, you've been getting worlds better.
Of the negative traits, you are self-aware, you don't delude yourself, you are frank and open. Even in these dark things, you deal with them the right way. You acknowledge them and never pretend they don't exist.
Do they present a challenge to someone who wants to be in a relationship with you? Yes, of course. I'd be lying if I said otherwise. But the way you deal with things, the way your mind works, the openness you espouse means that while you may need someone who understands you, that person stands to benefit very greatly from being in a relationship with you, because of your qualities. You're not a horrible person, or worthless, or ugly. You're a person who has suffered and who is surviving it.
The relationship you were in doesn't sound all bad. He sounds decent most of the time. But you shouldn't feel scared and you shouldn't *ever* be the subject of anything physical. While there's always an element of dealing with the problems of our partners, it's okay when the problems are challenging, it's less okay when the problems are threatening.
I understand why you would equate your anxiety and his temper as failings which could be seen as similar, but your anxiety isn't making him feel scared and that's where the difference is. Anxiety is inward (towards ourself) and temper is outward (towards others). I feel that you're suffering twice over both by punishing yourself and also by being punished.
Finally, one alarm bell for me is you being told he wants you to be scared, by the way. That doesn't sound good at all.
Yeah... I think one of the biggest things that's bothered me about the whole situation is he's usually such a sweet and caring person... until you make him angry. People can have such dichotomous natures it can really be quite confusing.
Even with me... the way I see when my anxiety attacks happen, I feel like there are two sides to me in a way. The rational, more wise side that feels old, and the more emotional side that just feels hurt, or afraid. A big thing is when I don't have control of a situation, which as far as I can reason probably stems back to times in my life when I had little to no control.. the assaults, crazy roomates, the bad trip.. XD And then when one of those triggers occur the more rational part of me just kind of clams up. :x
Because of this I was more than willing to try to work with him, at least when he seemed like he wanted to make an actual effort to change. I don't know if he doesn't see his own fault or if he's just so stuck in the pattern that he falls back into it simply by dint of getting upset. Because in the past we would fight, he would get mad, yell, maybe punch a wall or slam some doors... then come back out in an hour or so and be so apologetic and we would talk it out, just like we would when I had a problem.
When he told me he wanted me to be scared on friday that was one of the biggest dealbreakers. We went and had our last weekend festival together then we were supposed to take a break. Texted him monday saying at some point we should probably sit down and discuss again what we need to be working on if we want to get back... and his response was something along the lines of "I just can't take it anymore, you need to work on your own fuckin issues".
Like, okay. You can't even fess up to your own responsibility? That I will not accept.
Is it normal my anxiety scared my boyfriend away?
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What stands out to me is your positivity. You've been through more than anyone should reasonably go through, and it would be understandable for you to go under. But look at the language of your post. You describe your relationship as wonderful for the most part. You talk about your issues and say that in dealing with them, you've been getting worlds better.
Of the negative traits, you are self-aware, you don't delude yourself, you are frank and open. Even in these dark things, you deal with them the right way. You acknowledge them and never pretend they don't exist.
Do they present a challenge to someone who wants to be in a relationship with you? Yes, of course. I'd be lying if I said otherwise. But the way you deal with things, the way your mind works, the openness you espouse means that while you may need someone who understands you, that person stands to benefit very greatly from being in a relationship with you, because of your qualities. You're not a horrible person, or worthless, or ugly. You're a person who has suffered and who is surviving it.
The relationship you were in doesn't sound all bad. He sounds decent most of the time. But you shouldn't feel scared and you shouldn't *ever* be the subject of anything physical. While there's always an element of dealing with the problems of our partners, it's okay when the problems are challenging, it's less okay when the problems are threatening.
I understand why you would equate your anxiety and his temper as failings which could be seen as similar, but your anxiety isn't making him feel scared and that's where the difference is. Anxiety is inward (towards ourself) and temper is outward (towards others). I feel that you're suffering twice over both by punishing yourself and also by being punished.
Finally, one alarm bell for me is you being told he wants you to be scared, by the way. That doesn't sound good at all.
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shade_ilmaendu
10 years ago
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Yeah... I think one of the biggest things that's bothered me about the whole situation is he's usually such a sweet and caring person... until you make him angry. People can have such dichotomous natures it can really be quite confusing.
Even with me... the way I see when my anxiety attacks happen, I feel like there are two sides to me in a way. The rational, more wise side that feels old, and the more emotional side that just feels hurt, or afraid. A big thing is when I don't have control of a situation, which as far as I can reason probably stems back to times in my life when I had little to no control.. the assaults, crazy roomates, the bad trip.. XD And then when one of those triggers occur the more rational part of me just kind of clams up. :x
Because of this I was more than willing to try to work with him, at least when he seemed like he wanted to make an actual effort to change. I don't know if he doesn't see his own fault or if he's just so stuck in the pattern that he falls back into it simply by dint of getting upset. Because in the past we would fight, he would get mad, yell, maybe punch a wall or slam some doors... then come back out in an hour or so and be so apologetic and we would talk it out, just like we would when I had a problem.
When he told me he wanted me to be scared on friday that was one of the biggest dealbreakers. We went and had our last weekend festival together then we were supposed to take a break. Texted him monday saying at some point we should probably sit down and discuss again what we need to be working on if we want to get back... and his response was something along the lines of "I just can't take it anymore, you need to work on your own fuckin issues".
Like, okay. You can't even fess up to your own responsibility? That I will not accept.