I've been clinically depressed before(just not suicidal), it makes you feel terrible but feeling terrible is not an excuse for committing suicide.
Like in the song "I rather have pain than nothing at all". After you die you have exactly that, nothing. How can anyone ever want that? I accept the fact that I will die someday but I would jump on the chance for immortality and believed that even when I was depressed.
And this wasn't mild depression. I was not only depressed but perceived myself to have been depressed my whole life while I was depressed(even though I was not always depressed). I would sometimes lie in bed for days. I would spend hours thinking furiously to try and find out how to fix "my lifelong problem of unhappiness". I nearly flunked out of college because of this. Still I never wanted to kill myself. Nothingness isn't happiness and I desperately wanted to be happy. Even though I often thought it would never happen I still saw no point in throwing away my only chance at happiness(continuing to live).
I did entertain another crazy idea to "escape" my depression. I thought of trying to structure my thoughts in a way that would yield a euphoric and absolute psychosis so I could have the happy reality I wanted and ignore the real world. But the logistics were too much. I didn't want to half-ass it. I literally wanted to forget the entirety of reality and live in my head, not live mostly in reality with a couple of delusions. I wanted to be able to experience a world of joy and bliss as I lay in a hospital bed in a psych ward, completely unaware of the hospital, the bed, the walls in the room, only aware of the pretend reality in my head. Regardless I no longer desire this since reality is nice now. Or maybe I succeeded and this is my fantasyworld. Oh well. Either way I win.
As crazy as that idea was it makes loads more sense trying to escape from life's problems that way than death. Death=experience nothing forever. Fake reality=Still get an experience.
IIN If I Have No Sympathy For People Who Commit Suicide
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I've been clinically depressed before(just not suicidal), it makes you feel terrible but feeling terrible is not an excuse for committing suicide.
Like in the song "I rather have pain than nothing at all". After you die you have exactly that, nothing. How can anyone ever want that? I accept the fact that I will die someday but I would jump on the chance for immortality and believed that even when I was depressed.
And this wasn't mild depression. I was not only depressed but perceived myself to have been depressed my whole life while I was depressed(even though I was not always depressed). I would sometimes lie in bed for days. I would spend hours thinking furiously to try and find out how to fix "my lifelong problem of unhappiness". I nearly flunked out of college because of this. Still I never wanted to kill myself. Nothingness isn't happiness and I desperately wanted to be happy. Even though I often thought it would never happen I still saw no point in throwing away my only chance at happiness(continuing to live).
I did entertain another crazy idea to "escape" my depression. I thought of trying to structure my thoughts in a way that would yield a euphoric and absolute psychosis so I could have the happy reality I wanted and ignore the real world. But the logistics were too much. I didn't want to half-ass it. I literally wanted to forget the entirety of reality and live in my head, not live mostly in reality with a couple of delusions. I wanted to be able to experience a world of joy and bliss as I lay in a hospital bed in a psych ward, completely unaware of the hospital, the bed, the walls in the room, only aware of the pretend reality in my head. Regardless I no longer desire this since reality is nice now. Or maybe I succeeded and this is my fantasyworld. Oh well. Either way I win.
As crazy as that idea was it makes loads more sense trying to escape from life's problems that way than death. Death=experience nothing forever. Fake reality=Still get an experience.