Is it normal i've become sexually sadistically turned on by rape

62% Normal
6 Comments

I am 18 years old and never had a girlfriend. Ever since I moved to an all boys school in 2004 (grade 4) I hardly was EVER around girls or had a conversation with them. I developed depression when I hit puberty and others around me were having girlfriends.

Other reasons involving the fear of death, disease, illness, anxiety and stress has been upon my shoulder for many years now. I hardly have any friends neither had any lover and the internet is where I have looked (you know to porn and lustful wise).

Although despite that I am a pacifist and hate seeing others hurt since I was bullied and felt the pain and HATE to see others push another around.. for SOME reason over the last few months I have developed a sexual interest into rape porn and it had gotten worse when I found sites like BestGore and even reading and seeing pictures of REAL rape cases has turned me on which I definitely think of myself as an evil monster!!

Perhaps my loneliness, depression, anxiety and fear has caused me to be sexually sadistically turned on - which would make sense considering I have NO self esteem around girls.

I started a college course this year and the girls in my class I try to stay away from them and have such social anxiety around females - nothing to do with the rape fantasies here but is to do I believe with my fear of rejection, of me being a loner and my anxieties which has caused me to be on medication and think of life as really dull.

When I thought suicidal; I had an interest in reading and watching movies that involved others suffering and I did develop feelings for others who had gone through hell.. BUT now my lustful fantasies and my anxiety has caused me to be turned on to something that I have hated which is rape and now I find myself living 2 lives like a multi-personality disorder hypocrite!!

So yes me being turned on by watching girls being raped may be due to my loneliness, depression and fear where when I put those things aside, my evil sexual selfish side becomes active..

Thanks for reading my psychotic weird frustrated emotions.

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Comments ( 6 ) Sort: best | oldest
  • quentari
    10 years ago | pl

    I'd see a therapist about the depression and anxiety, and maybe cut back on the rape porn for now. Watching that kind of porn doesn't make you a monster (although completely stop watching the real rape vids asap) and it doesn't mean you'd ever rape anyone

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  • MistakeMaker
    9 years ago | pl

    i think its the force of rape that makes you wanna watch it because u wanna force your way into some puum puum cus ur so backed up, poor guy. once you get over your fear and find a girl to fuck, you'll be fine.

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  • Jfdp
    9 years ago | pl

    Just not on- because some day the fantasy might not be enough anymore and you might want to experience it yourself - try to wean yourself off it gradually, like say wating porn that is gradually less and less violent, and maybe making an effort to socially connect with people? I know its tough, but if theres anything that gets you out of a weird obsession or troubling mental fixation its having normal day to day convos with your friends just to "Ground" you - best of luck

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  • Terence_the_viking
    10 years ago | pl

    You are broken and need to be re coded.

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  • Short4Words
    10 years ago | pl

    You don't have to be that way. You can choose not to watch those things, because every time you do you feed that part of you. I am sick of being a hypocrite as well. You can't live two lives, one of them has to die. I realize this more than ever, and kicking the habit isn't easy, God is the only one truly helping me here, but if you just start and try to be true to who you are, before all this, you might be happier with yourself. I'm scared of girls too. I have my own reasons, I don't know yours, but if you want to talk I'm here.

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    • Natural-Animal-Beast77
      10 years ago | pl

      I've tried to find God but my loneliness, weakness and depression ALWAYS forces me to watch it again and again and break my promise over and over.. the internet can be such a demon

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