What you went through was certainly hellish and I'm incredibly impressed at your ability to openly write about it - especially to a bunch of anonymous IIN users, that's a tremendous step in the right direction.
Guilt is a difficult thing to process. As much as you can logically sit there and say that it makes sense and is understandable, given what you were going through, it isn't really going to magically make the emotions of guilt disappear.
A big problem with how we're taught to think about things is that we have a fixation on things being black and white, good and evil, right and wrong. What you did to your sister may have been understandable, but it's pretty clear that you feel it was "wrong". The thing is, that doesn't mean that you are in the wrong, it just means that the situation really sucked and produced a lot of negative outcomes. As hard as it might be, the next step in your recovery will be learning how to forgive yourself. You'll have to learn that what happened... happened, and dwelling on your guilt won't change it or make it better.
It's wonderful that you want to make amends with your sister, and I think you've come a LONG ways in how you're coping, for that I truly commend you. There are still some things you're holding on to that you feel guilty for, though, and you absolutely need to forgive yourself for them.
You did NOT break up your Mom and Dad, no matter how guilty you feel, it was NOT your fault. That is not something a child has the power to cause OR prevent. The sad part is that almost all of us that come from divorced homes feel guilty and responsible (myself included). You're not. That was entirely up to your parents. (cont.)
In absolutely no way are you responsible for breaking up your parents, OR for believing that your Dad could somehow "make it better". You were a kid, you did nothing wrong. You are not the abusive Father and you are not the cheating Mother. Those actions were taken by your parents, and your parents alone. Again with the black and white, though, this doesn't mean they're all bad, it just means it's something they did and are responsible for, and it led to divorce.
In nooooooo way should you feel like you would have deserved to die. I know it seems difficult to hear, and you might think that I have no right to tell you that... I didn't go through what you did, so really I *don't* but I mean it only as a human being relating to another human being - you deserve the right to live. Nothing you did, nothing you feel responsible for regarding your parents, nothing you are carrying around guilt for, can take away that right.
You are making leaps and bounds in recovering from your abusive past, and you'll make many more. You're doing the right thing, you're not at fault, you don't need to feel guilty, and you can beat this and take on the world on your own terms without it weighing you down. You're strong.
I would suggest possibly finding a therapist or counselor on your own terms, if you're able to. Someone who your Father can't influence that will hear the TRUTH of what you say, and help you work things out. I wish you nothing but the best of luck, and much love.
Thanks, and you're right. Nothing will magically make the guilt go away but I see how the past still affects her personality and I still feel ashamed for that. Thank you for your advice though. It's very reassuring and I regret putting so much importance onto my childhood, it seems so cheesy but I'm happy to hear someone I'm not paying say all of this.
Is it normal I still feel guilt for abusing my sister?
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What you went through was certainly hellish and I'm incredibly impressed at your ability to openly write about it - especially to a bunch of anonymous IIN users, that's a tremendous step in the right direction.
Guilt is a difficult thing to process. As much as you can logically sit there and say that it makes sense and is understandable, given what you were going through, it isn't really going to magically make the emotions of guilt disappear.
A big problem with how we're taught to think about things is that we have a fixation on things being black and white, good and evil, right and wrong. What you did to your sister may have been understandable, but it's pretty clear that you feel it was "wrong". The thing is, that doesn't mean that you are in the wrong, it just means that the situation really sucked and produced a lot of negative outcomes. As hard as it might be, the next step in your recovery will be learning how to forgive yourself. You'll have to learn that what happened... happened, and dwelling on your guilt won't change it or make it better.
It's wonderful that you want to make amends with your sister, and I think you've come a LONG ways in how you're coping, for that I truly commend you. There are still some things you're holding on to that you feel guilty for, though, and you absolutely need to forgive yourself for them.
You did NOT break up your Mom and Dad, no matter how guilty you feel, it was NOT your fault. That is not something a child has the power to cause OR prevent. The sad part is that almost all of us that come from divorced homes feel guilty and responsible (myself included). You're not. That was entirely up to your parents. (cont.)
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PumpkinKate
11 years ago
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In absolutely no way are you responsible for breaking up your parents, OR for believing that your Dad could somehow "make it better". You were a kid, you did nothing wrong. You are not the abusive Father and you are not the cheating Mother. Those actions were taken by your parents, and your parents alone. Again with the black and white, though, this doesn't mean they're all bad, it just means it's something they did and are responsible for, and it led to divorce.
In nooooooo way should you feel like you would have deserved to die. I know it seems difficult to hear, and you might think that I have no right to tell you that... I didn't go through what you did, so really I *don't* but I mean it only as a human being relating to another human being - you deserve the right to live. Nothing you did, nothing you feel responsible for regarding your parents, nothing you are carrying around guilt for, can take away that right.
You are making leaps and bounds in recovering from your abusive past, and you'll make many more. You're doing the right thing, you're not at fault, you don't need to feel guilty, and you can beat this and take on the world on your own terms without it weighing you down. You're strong.
I would suggest possibly finding a therapist or counselor on your own terms, if you're able to. Someone who your Father can't influence that will hear the TRUTH of what you say, and help you work things out. I wish you nothing but the best of luck, and much love.
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Anonymous Post Author
11 years ago
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Thanks, and you're right. Nothing will magically make the guilt go away but I see how the past still affects her personality and I still feel ashamed for that. Thank you for your advice though. It's very reassuring and I regret putting so much importance onto my childhood, it seems so cheesy but I'm happy to hear someone I'm not paying say all of this.