Is it normal for wife to think she doesn't need to initiate intimacy?

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10 Comments

My question isn't about why my wife is the way she is, it is "is it normal for me to think that a hug given conveys a message, or an intent, or a desire more than the hug given as a response from another hug?" and "does my wife think she doesn't need to initiate affection when it has been explained to her what it means to her husband?"

Is it normal for me to think that there is a big difference in affection given as compared to affection received? Like, ok, if i give my wife a hug, to me that show of affection says "i love you, i want you, you are awesome, and i am so glad that i found someone like you". Now after my wife receives said hug she will hug me back. Ok now enter my problem...So like a lot of men I have read about on the net, My wife and I are having trouble with intimacy in our marriage. We have two kids and I am aware of the stress, and hormonale changes that kids make. Please no comments like "maybe you should wash the dishes or clean more." this may sound harsh but that is a load of crap...at least in my case. We are very much a team in our marriage and nothing is tackled alone if we can help it. We have come along way in our struggle but it is still there.

One thing that is still an issue is initiation. My wife doesn't not initiate affection (hugging, kissing,holding hands, touching, sex).I won't say never, but that is also an issue. It does come, but it is so rare, like maybe 10 times a year, and only hugs are initiated. But this is still not the issue in question.

Ok so now that you know my story a little better you can imagine the talks we share. One is me asking "sweetheart, why do you so rarely hug me?" with her replying "I hug you all the time!". Ten times a year is all the time? So finally to the issue. She claims that the hugs she gives me when I give her the initial hug should say the same thing to me as I think mine do to her. I have tried to explain to her that to me the hug given in response to my hug is telling me "thank you for the hug, yeah I love you too" and depending on how quickly the embrace ends it could also say "thanks, luv u2, gotta go jump back on facebook, or world of Warcraft, no time for you as you pour your heart into our relationship" I have also explained to her that the returned hugs are great, but that I also need to feel that she is thinking of me without having to be reminded by a hug.

Is It Normal?
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Comments ( 10 ) Sort: best | oldest
  • ComeFlyWithMe
    13 years ago | pl

    Maybe you should not hug or kiss her for a while and see if she notices. Maybe if you don't initiate as often she will compensate for that and initiate herself.

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  • xxxbeautifullybrokenxxx
    13 years ago | pl

    Ok well it's obvious that the reason for the intimacy problem is that your wife (and maybe u too) is consumed by the media. If she is on facebook/ playing WOW... It's time to grow up. My bf n I enjoy media together and it is very limited. For example we play Mario together or watch our fav. shows together. If I was busy with kids that would be even more reason to set aside some alone time. ----- the reason she may not hug u or initiate intimacy could be cause she likes getting attention from u. She may feel that as the guy it's your job.

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  • 8Serene8
    13 years ago | pl

    It sounds like she doesn't see the problem here. I'm not sure what advice I can give for this. Have you tried getting her to open up about what stresses her out or maybe some problems she may be having? I know it's you with the issues but maybe there are things about the relationship that bother her and she might not want to bring them up and create conflict. Maybe sit her down and talk to her and see. How long has the intimacy problems been going on? Maybe start the convo by saying "Hey (insert pet name), I've noticed for the past (however long this has been going on) you have seemed a little stressed and/or distant. Is there anything bothering you? Are you okay?" Let her talk, don't bring up what bothers you unless she outright asks about it or you think it's proper.

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  • bleach_baby
    13 years ago | pl

    You sound kind of clingy

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    • deadeyeken
      13 years ago | pl

      Yes I agree, I am totally clingy. We were both this way when it all started but I didn't receive the hormone changes and what not from our babies, so i never really changed. Also she is a stay at home mom and i work out of the home, so she gets to deal with a lot more stress than me, I won't kid myself on that one. However my wife and I have pretty much gotten to the root of the intimacy problem, its a combination of low self-esteem and stress on her part and me being to pushy. A little restraint on my part, along with lots of positive reinforcement, and exercise for the both of us was what the doctor ordered. She looks better than she ever has, which does wonders for her self esteem, all of this went a long way to towards increasing the intimacy she is comfortable with. We have come to a point in our relationship where we are both fairly comfortable with the level of intimacy. I would love more but I am happy, and have learned to be appreciate the little things more, life is to short. I would like someone to comment on whether or not I am justified in believing that theres is a difference in meanings between a hug given out of the blue and a hug given in response to the hug given out of the blue. This was my main question when I wrote this post. :D

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  • Conyn21
    13 years ago | pl

    Like comeflywithme said; the way relation therapists solve these kinds of problems:
    They tell you to absolutely have no sex at all for month while they actually tell you to TRY not to have sex for one month! If you don't give her affection, while in your case it seems like she does love you but if you initiate the whole time, theres no need for her to initiate at all! Then if she does hug you, then hug back ofxourse with all your love, but not more! Try to let her make all the initiate steps (up to a certain level ofcourse)! Hope this helps, good luck

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  • unmarkedbeauty
    13 years ago | pl

    I never initiate affection towards anyone because I don't want to feel rejected, like the ugly girl that is spreading ugly germs.

    But with my ex-partner, he was depressed so I have been in your shoes. It's heartbreaking to initiate, and more so uncomfortable because I am a female and it didn't sit well, I felt like the man in the relationship. :\ But I tried for two years, he just got worse and worse, so it ended.

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    • deadeyeken
      13 years ago | pl

      I hear ya, its not easy. I feel like I am the only one that is putting effort into the relationship but that is simply not true. My wife and I just speak different languages when it comes to affection. I like most men am a physical lover, she's a hang out with and do things for each other lover. Its tough but we are doing pretty good trying to translate the given affection, and trying to speak the others language. Yeah so...its just that even though we can talk, actually talk about this problem now without it turning into an argument she still refuses to even see my side of the initiated hug vs. response hug battle. So naturally I have to wonder if perhaps I am wrong. I'm not so worried about changing her mind about them. Just want to feel justification with my own feelings. If she never sees it from my point of view no biggie. But since she is the only one I have ever discussed this issue with, and is adamant that I am dead wrong, I needed outside opinions. You guys have been great :D So dig down and tell me what you feel when you give a hug back compared to when you give a hug. Guh Night :)

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  • 8Serene8
    13 years ago | pl

    Lol oh guess we all didn't see the point of the question lol. So what I think I understand is, you want to know if we understand the difference between a response hug, or one given just because you want to? I can tell the difference.

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    • deadeyeken
      13 years ago | pl

      I think i did a poor job of explaining it but thats is what was on my mind when i did all the writing :) Yes am I unjust to think that I think that my hug out of the blue shows more thought and emotion than the response hug. Response hugs are pretty much what I've been living off of. They are great in they're own right but...well ya know, wouldn't mind knowing that shes thinking about me without me first putting the thought there.

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