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I have this guy 'friend' (he likes me, I think? he's said that at least. and I kind of like him but he's scared of commitment and is a total fuckboy.) and he constantly says things like "you're stupid." or "you're ugly." but when i agree he's like "no you're supposed to react." he's only truly nice to me when we are alone but then he mostly wants to fool around. Is this a normal thing or am I right and this toxic af?
How old are ya'll? He sounds pretty toxic. It's not like ya'll are little elementary school kids in some old movie, and he's trying to stick your ponytail in an inkwell, because if you're here I assume ya'll are way too old for that bullshit.
Honestly, that bit about calling you stupid, and ugly, then saying that you're supposed to react is fucked up behavior. He sounds quite toxic indeed, and he's probably also pretty codependent too with his passive-aggressive shitty behavior. Why waste time with a person who wants to play mind games with you? Life is too short to waste with people who want to mess around with your head.
If I were you I wouldn't waste my time on him.
I'm going to leave you link to The Patterns and Characteristics of Codependency, and you can read it, and see how much of it he matches up to in his behavior.
http://coda.org/index.cfm/meeting-materials1/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/
Read it, and please respond to me if you feel so inclined. I bet he matches most of it, huh?
Good point here. If the parties involved in the name calling agree and understand that the names are said in jest, it is one thing.
Kind of like a couple friends I used to work with - we call each other bitch, hoebag, slut bucket, among other things. But it is understood it is in good fun.
It sounds like with your B/F, this is not the case. Might ask him to back off the rude names.
I don't know the guy or the situation in detail, so I can only give you an educated guess.
You say he doesn't act like this when you two are alone, which implies that he does this around others. It sounds like he's insecure and doesn't know how to properly express his feelings, and is resorting to grade-school 'I mess with you because I like you' tactics. I wouldn't say he's toxic necessarily, just a bit of an idiot. Obviously he needs to work on himself.
If I were you, I'd take him aside and tell him how I feel about it. Not necessarily in a hostile way, just to let him know that it isn't appreciated or necessary. If he continues to act like an ass, then I'd consider him toxic.
Toxic.
1. Not ready for commitment = I just want to use you as a sex toy.
2. When men and women make terrible comments or call their partner horrible names and say it's just a joke, it's not. It's a gateway into controlling your emotions, so the more you react and get upset the more he'll feel comfortable saying it to you then swooping in to be the hero that calms you down with, "Baby it's just a joke, I'm sorry," all while chuckling at your anger. It's like a firefighter starting his own fires and then being the hero that extenquish it.
Think about it, you probably already asked why and for him to stop, yet hes still doing it and even telling you how to react. It's a tactic toxic people do. Sadly, I fell for it in my experiences.
However, you playing along was pretty smart, just do that, keep saying no to his sexual advances, and distance yourself. He'll either get so mad that his teasing isn't working and do it more harshly (nice excuse to end the friendship) or he'll get bored and move on (hopefully), or he'll become so sexually presistent to the point you can't be alone with him.