Im a guy with a rape fantasy that has nothing to do with hurting girls
I've heard a lot about female rape fantasy's being okay because they aren't actually about rape. Well I'm a guy with a rape fantasy. That said, I don't want to have sex with any woman who doesn't want to have sex with me. My fantasy isn't about hurting women and the few times I've gone too far with a girl have made me really tense and jittery around women for some time after, I tend to err on the side of caution because I'm already physically intimidating. I think it still is a power trip though. Here it is, the bare bones of it at least, a caricature of the rape fantasy I don't feel the least bit ashamed of but which is almost impossible to act out safely.
A girl I've been wanting to have sex with has been flirting with me for some time now, it's been building up for a while and we're both clearly interested. She comes over to my place or invites me over to hers. However it happens, booze conversation, whatever we end up kissing and it escalates. She wants it but for whatever mental reason feels she should say no. May be she's afraid of being shamed, maybe she is afraid I just want to hit and quit, whatever the reason the point is that she has an internal mental conflict and she's on the edge decision-wise. This is the point. Here I'm supposed to back away or just not elevate it to sex,but in the fantasy I do. I don't say anything, kiss her and go for it. She's startled and wide eyed at first but soon STARTS TO ENJOY IT. That's critical, I'm not so much making her decision as I am making her experience what she really wanted the whole time. From there it's all consensual and she leaves of happy that I did what I did.
I've analysed myself and figured out where this fantasy comes from. I lost my virginity pretty late, 20. I had a few chances to have sex prior to that where I was alone in the room with the girl who was obviously attracted to me. I'd just act friendly and over think myself into paralysis; "does she want to or not?", "am I reading this wrong?", "I don't want her to get the wrong impression, I'm not a douche bag". All the while all of their signals would become unintelligible to me until I'm leaving their room hours later confused and still a virgin. Happened 3 times and those girls never seemed interested in me afterwards, it was one shot and done.
The fantasy comes part from me wanting to be able to make a clear sexual decision confidently where everything just goes well without all the needless over thinking and hyper awareness on my end and part from a projection of my past conflicted self onto her. When I was in those situations I remember thinking, god I wish she would just DO SOMETHING sexual so I'll know. I took the consent thing pretty seriously at the time and while I knew straight up asking if they wanted to have sex would be weird I hoped there would be some other sort of obvious confirmation, which there never was. I was also very aware that there was no "point of no return" and that no matter how good things were going I should pay attention because "Stop" could come at any moment.
So what do you think? Am I a creepy rapist or nah? P.S. I've managed to get past this and have sex a few times since. Sometimes I've gone a little too far with girls (unwanted second base while kissing) but far more often I've backed off perhaps a bit early (stopping a sexy massage when she asked me to and having her stare at me dissapointedly), I've just accepted that either may happen and that's that. The fantasy persists though.